life

Visits With Parents Bring Tears to Daughter's Eyes

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My parents live a simple life, enjoying their days as retirees. They invite me to join them for special occasions at their house (my childhood home) and although the house is organized and tidy, I become ill when I spend more than a few hours under their roof.

Their cleaning practices are questionable. They simply rinse plates and utensils after use, as opposed to using the dishwasher. Within an hour of arriving, the dust makes my allergies and asthma flare up. They prefer to launder clothes, sheets, blankets, etc. only occasionally out of concern about "wasting water" and money. Their dog and cat have urinated throughout the house, and my parents claim to not be able to smell it.

I don't want to hurt their feelings by declining their invitations, but I can't stand to get sick every time I walk through their door. Help! -- SNEEZING IN THE SUBURBS

DEAR SNEEZING: You're right, you can't. That's why it's time to speak up and tell your parents your allergies flare up when you visit their house. If you're expected to spend the night there, tell them that from now on you'll sleep at a hotel/motel nearby. And before using them, either wash their eating utensils or take your parents out for meals, which will make it easier on all of you.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Dad Objects to Son's Attendance at Gay Pride Parade

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife took my 8-year-old son to a gay pride parade last week. She snapped a picture of him holding a rainbow flag and posted it to social media.

I don't feel comfortable with my son attending gay pride parades. I think he's too young to be exposed to this kind of thing. I'm not concerned about him being gay, that's not the issue. Some attendees of these parades can be sexually provocative.

I want my son to be a kid and have a happy childhood. What's a good way to talk to his mother about this? -- HAPPY CHILDHOOD IN THE EAST

DEAR HAPPY: Children exposed to adult activities should be prepared beforehand. Of course, much depends on the maturity level of the child.

The police usually keep a close watch on these gatherings to ensure public safety. Children younger than 8 have attended these parades with their parents or other loved ones with no unpleasant aftereffects. If anything obscene had happened at the event your ex-wife took the boy to, you would have heard about it. Feeling as you do, you should absolutely raise this subject with your ex -- if only so she can reassure you.

Sex & GenderFamily & Parenting
life

Man's Refusal to Wear Wedding Ring Gets Under Wife's Skin

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will soon celebrate our 32nd wedding anniversary. It bothers me increasingly that he doesn't wear a wedding ring. He says a ring bothers him when he is working, but he has been retired for most of our marriage. He wears a chain with two pendants as well as a large gold bracelet every day.

When I bring it up, he says he tells everyone he meets that he's married or mentions me in conversation. I'm not worried about him being unfaithful. I just like the way a ring looks and makes me feel. Advice? -- SYMBOLIC IN FLORIDA

DEAR SYMBOLIC: You have been married -- I presume happily -- for 32 years. Not every man is comfortable wearing a ring. (My husband happens to be one of them.) My advice is to stop obsessing, let it go and let him be himself.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Photo of Naked Stepsister Is No Longer a Laughing Matter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 25th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I don't like my stepsister, and when she stays with us, I'm forced to share a room with her. The last time she was here I got so mad at her I pretended to send a text message on my cell and secretly took a picture of her as she got out of the shower. I knew it was wrong, but it seemed funny at the time.

I sent it to my boyfriend because he doesn't like her either, even though he thinks she has a "hot body." I thought it would be a joke just between us, but he sent it to some of his friends, and now it's making the rounds. Luckily, she goes to a different school, so nobody has recognized her, but I'm scared someone will. I'd give anything to take back what I did. What should I do? -- SCARED STEPSISTER

DEAR SCARED STEPSISTER: You should be scared. What you did was shameful and dangerous. Not only was it an invasion of privacy, it is also a crime -- distribution of a pornographic image of a minor. Now that photo is on the internet, you will not be able to take it back.

Pray that no one in your family finds out, or you may be grounded, like, forever, and your boyfriend will be history. If the news does get back to your family, prepare yourself for a punishment like no other.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Affair Ends When Woman Hears Wife's Side of the Story

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 25th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 20 years and recently had an affair with a woman I'll call "Susan" I care very much about. My marriage was already in the final stages of failure by the time we met.

Over the last two weeks, I stayed at Susan's house on the nights I worked. Two days ago, without telling me, she went to talk to my wife to "get her side of the story." She believed everything my wife said and broke up with me. Susan has now blocked my phone number and told me to leave her alone.

Is it worth trying to reach out to her? Susan knew when I met her that I was married and continued seeing me. I told her the wife and I were separating but living in the same house until the lease ends. She thinks I lied to her, which I never did. I was always honest with her. What do you think happened? -- DUMPED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DUMPED: It appears that your side of the story wasn't enough for Susan. She identified with whatever she was told and accepted it lock, stock and barrel. Because she wasn't mature enough to discuss it with you, she decided to cut and run instead.

Lesson for you: Move out before you start dating again. It's not going to be forever -- just until the lease ends.

Love & DatingMarriage & Divorce
life

Boss's Personal Conversations Are Too Public

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 25th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My desk is situated right outside my boss's office. Her elderly father is in failing health, and while I'm not unsympathetic, each day for 30 to 40 minutes she takes personal phone calls with his daytime caregiver. The calls are always on her speakerphone with her office door wide open. I'm in a cubicle, so I have no door to close. Is there a polite way to encourage her to rectify this? -- NOT DEAF IN SEATTLE

DEAR NOT DEAF: Yes. As tactfully as you can, ask your boss if she would mind if you close her door for the duration of those conversations because they distract you from doing your work.

Work & School
life

Man Loses Focus on Life After Close Friend's Death

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 24th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A lifelong friend of mine has died unexpectedly. Because he was my age, this brought up issues of my own mortality. We'd had our ups and downs over 25 years, but he moved cross-country to the same city as I'm in and was there for many happy and sad life events, including the deaths of my remaining immediate family and his parents.

I have a wonderful wife and amazing children. We are pretty active and have stressful jobs, so there is little time to be engaged, which leaves me feeling guilty about being less than 100 percent for her and the kids. We have a newborn, and he is a star among stars for me, so I feel even more need to be present at all times.

My friend's death has brought up painful feelings I thought I was over -- like the feeling of being an "orphan" (even though I have extended family, I have no immediate family left). Losing someone my age has hit me hard, which I honestly didn't anticipate. I know I'm focusing on the wrong things, like some missed opportunities, but I can't seem to move past them. I feel so drained and useless. Any help would be appreciated. -- MISSING MY FRIEND IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR MISSING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your good friend. The death of someone close can affect people in many different ways. For some, the reminder that life isn't infinite can trigger them to re-evaluate their relationships or how they have been living their lives.

Because you seem to be unable to move past your feelings of abandonment, which many people experience after the loss of their parents, consider joining a grief support group to help you to work through some of these thoughts you are experiencing. However, if that isn't enough, a licensed therapist may help you to regain your balance.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & ParentingFriends & NeighborsDeath
life

Suddenly Single Mom Needs Family's Help Getting Back on Her Feet

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 24th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's significant other fathered her two children and seemed dedicated to his family. He worked hard to support and care for them. Then, almost overnight, it all changed.

My daughter is now a single (unemployed) mom with two little ones under 4. She needs help, and I need advice about how to best help her. It appears they'll need to move in with us (an arrangement that will be stressful for all). Life is a bowl of lemons, and I need a good recipe for lemonade. Help, please! -- READY TO PITCH IN

DEAR READY: This would be my recipe: The first thing you adults should do is remind yourselves that this won't be forever -- only until your daughter is able to find a job, get back on her feet and the children are in day care. Repeat it to yourselves out loud when necessary, and it may help you retain your sanity when life becomes stressful.

Next, help your daughter ensure that the children's father continues to provide financially for them. If he is resistant, an attorney may be able to help, and so can government agencies in every state.

And last, give the new additions to your household all the love and understanding you can -- which I am sure you are already doing because you seem like a very nice person. This, too, will pass.

MoneyFamily & Parenting

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