DEAR ABBY: My husband, who is retired, now prefers to talk exclusively to people under 21. He says he is "mentoring" them, though I haven't seen any indication of this.

He says he has no interest in talking to people our age, so when we get together with our friends, who are mostly our age, he says practically nothing. When I asked why, he said he prefers to impart his knowledge to younger people. I have suggested that he volunteer with younger people, but he wasn't interested -- he just wants to hang out with them.

I'm not sure what to do. He seems depressed if they don't respond to him in the way he would like. Mostly they show little interest in being with him. What, if anything, should I do about this? It has been going on for more than two years now. -- CONCERNED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CONCERNED: I feel sorry for your husband. He may avoid companions his own age because they remind him that he, too, is getting older. It's no wonder young people don't respond to him. I can imagine few pastimes less appetizing than socializing with someone who "imparts knowledge" by talking down to them. They might find him more appealing if he asked them questions and listened to what they had to say.

Consider talking to him about your concern that he is socially isolating himself from contemporaries, because the longer he continues, the less welcome he will find himself. However, until he comes to that realization and decides to fix it, do not expect anything to change.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are proud parents of two adult daughters. They both graduated from a local university. Our rule was if they were to complete their education locally, they had to continue to live at home.

Now, our goddaughter "Justine" is in community college and planning to transfer to a four-year college next semester. I was told recently that she's been trying to convince her boyfriend to get a place together. Justine's parents would prefer she remain at home, but won't fight her if she moves in with her boyfriend. I'm pretty sure they'll continue to fund her education as best they can until she graduates.

We have been contributing financially toward our goddaughter's education. My husband and I feel that it's a waste of money just so they can "play house." She has a good relationship with her family and can come and go as she pleases. I'm afraid they will run into money issues and use the money we give her to live on instead of for school, which is not OK with me. Plus, I don't think I should do any different for her than I did for my own children.

I'm afraid if I let her know how I feel, it will strain our relationship -- perhaps even the one we have with her parents. Should this be my concern or should I let it go? -- HER GODMOTHER

DEAR GODMOTHER: It's time for an honest conversation with your goddaughter, and it wouldn't be a bad idea if you included her parents. Explain that you would be uncomfortable subsidizing her if she lives with her boyfriend because it's not how you raised your children. You have already contributed generously to her education.

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: It is time for the breaking of the Ramadan fast. Happy Eid al-Fitr. -- ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We are planning on moving to California together in a few months.

I flew to Monterey to job hunt, and he is supposed to be flying in soon. However, last night I found out he and his buddy went to a strip club. My boyfriend knows I'm uncomfortable with him going to strip clubs, and he assured me that they would not be going when we spoke on the phone earlier in the evening.

He says I'm controlling and childish for being angry at him. I told him it's either me or the strip clubs -- mostly just to see how he would react. His response was that freedom of choice is very important to him. I even went as far as to say if he feels the need to go to strip clubs, then I would start stripping on the side to spite him.

I'm tempted to cancel his ticket to California. I don't want him flying here if we are just going to fight. Is this situation worth the cost of a relationship? How do I deal with someone so stubborn to the point he can't see when he's in the wrong? Abby, he is in the wrong, isn't he? -- CHOICE IS CLEAR

DEAR CHOICE: A wise woman chooses her battles carefully. If your boyfriend spent more than an occasional evening hanging out in strip clubs, I can see why it would be a deal breaker. But unless you left something important out of your letter -- like the fact that he did more than look -- it doesn't appear that he does.

You escalated the situation and you shouldn't have. However, if you feel so strongly about strip clubs, perhaps you should consider finding another man to spend your life with because it really isn't possible to control the actions of another adult.

DEAR ABBY: My 33-year-old daughter recently moved back home after failing to finish a graduate program. I discovered she was an alcoholic a few years ago and encouraged her to get treatment. She was in an outpatient recovery program and making progress, but recently relapsed.

Before her relapse, her dad and I helped her to buy a business, which is not doing well. Her employees quit, and she lost a lot of income. She started going to AA meetings, and hired some people she met who attend and live in a halfway house.

I regret helping her, and I now realize I must stop all interactions with her. She has a huge sense of entitlement and does not appreciate my help. I feel I have failed as a parent and hope I can move past this and work through my depression. Any advice you can offer is welcome. -- BEST MOM I CAN BE

DEAR BEST MOM: You have not "failed" as a parent. Your daughter has an addiction. Her addiction is not your fault. Substance abusers have been known to fall off the wagon on their road to sobriety, and this is what happened to your daughter.

It would be helpful for you to talk about your depression with a licensed mental health professional who is familiar with addictions, and to attend some Al-Anon meetings. Because you feel your relationship with your daughter has reached the point that she can no longer live with you, tell her she must make other living arrangements and set a date for her to move out. Do not do it in anger. In fact, it may be better for both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm turning 17 and live with my dad and his girlfriend. They have broken up four times, causing my dad and me to retreat to the basement where we live the peaceful, happy life we did before he met her.

When they first started dating, she was very nice, and I liked her. However, because my mom is gone, she decided to assume the role of "mother" after they moved in together. I don't think she has the right to make decisions about me just because I no longer have a mother.

Dad has told me repeatedly that he doesn't want to continue a relationship with her, but she always manipulates him into getting back together. She treats him terribly, and it breaks my heart. I know he deserves better. His personality changes when he's with her. He gets mean and blames their problems on me because that's what she does.

I know I'm not responsible for this situation, but she makes me feel that way. I need stability, and I just want my dad back. What should I do? -- TEEN IN TURMOIL

DEAR TEEN: What's going on is not your fault. You should not assume responsibility for their problems because you can't fix them.

Talk with your father about how you are being made to feel. That he and this woman have broken up four times should have given him a clue that his relationship with her isn't a healthy one -- for him or for you. Your father is the adult in the family, and it is up to him to deal with this -- not you. Hiding in the basement isn't the answer.

DEAR ABBY: I have been having boundary issues with my neighbors and their children. We have different parenting styles. They are hands-off, free-range parents. I keep an eye on my daughter. They're all around the age of 5.

Problem is, every time I take my daughter outside their two children immediately run over to play with her. I'm seven months pregnant, and I do not want to be the neighborhood baby sitter! If any of those kids runs toward the road, I can't chase them down. I don't want to send my daughter to their yard to play because they have a pool, my daughter doesn't know how to swim and no one watches these kids.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I'd like to enjoy the nice weather alone with my daughter once in a while. She loves playing with them, but they just want to play with her toys -- not her -- and it almost always ends up with her in tears. What can I do? -- TEARS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR TEARS: Talk to the parents! Explain that you would like to spend time outdoors with your little girl, and you are not prepared to watch their children. You should also mention that when their children run over to play, it's not with your daughter but with her toys, which hurts her feelings.

P.S. If your neighbors' pool is not fenced and any of the neighborhood children should fall in, the legal liability would be theirs. There is something known as an "attractive nuisance." An unsecured swimming pool would be an example.

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