DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We are planning on moving to California together in a few months.

I flew to Monterey to job hunt, and he is supposed to be flying in soon. However, last night I found out he and his buddy went to a strip club. My boyfriend knows I'm uncomfortable with him going to strip clubs, and he assured me that they would not be going when we spoke on the phone earlier in the evening.

He says I'm controlling and childish for being angry at him. I told him it's either me or the strip clubs -- mostly just to see how he would react. His response was that freedom of choice is very important to him. I even went as far as to say if he feels the need to go to strip clubs, then I would start stripping on the side to spite him.

I'm tempted to cancel his ticket to California. I don't want him flying here if we are just going to fight. Is this situation worth the cost of a relationship? How do I deal with someone so stubborn to the point he can't see when he's in the wrong? Abby, he is in the wrong, isn't he? -- CHOICE IS CLEAR

DEAR CHOICE: A wise woman chooses her battles carefully. If your boyfriend spent more than an occasional evening hanging out in strip clubs, I can see why it would be a deal breaker. But unless you left something important out of your letter -- like the fact that he did more than look -- it doesn't appear that he does.

You escalated the situation and you shouldn't have. However, if you feel so strongly about strip clubs, perhaps you should consider finding another man to spend your life with because it really isn't possible to control the actions of another adult.

DEAR ABBY: My 33-year-old daughter recently moved back home after failing to finish a graduate program. I discovered she was an alcoholic a few years ago and encouraged her to get treatment. She was in an outpatient recovery program and making progress, but recently relapsed.

Before her relapse, her dad and I helped her to buy a business, which is not doing well. Her employees quit, and she lost a lot of income. She started going to AA meetings, and hired some people she met who attend and live in a halfway house.

I regret helping her, and I now realize I must stop all interactions with her. She has a huge sense of entitlement and does not appreciate my help. I feel I have failed as a parent and hope I can move past this and work through my depression. Any advice you can offer is welcome. -- BEST MOM I CAN BE

DEAR BEST MOM: You have not "failed" as a parent. Your daughter has an addiction. Her addiction is not your fault. Substance abusers have been known to fall off the wagon on their road to sobriety, and this is what happened to your daughter.

It would be helpful for you to talk about your depression with a licensed mental health professional who is familiar with addictions, and to attend some Al-Anon meetings. Because you feel your relationship with your daughter has reached the point that she can no longer live with you, tell her she must make other living arrangements and set a date for her to move out. Do not do it in anger. In fact, it may be better for both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm turning 17 and live with my dad and his girlfriend. They have broken up four times, causing my dad and me to retreat to the basement where we live the peaceful, happy life we did before he met her.

When they first started dating, she was very nice, and I liked her. However, because my mom is gone, she decided to assume the role of "mother" after they moved in together. I don't think she has the right to make decisions about me just because I no longer have a mother.

Dad has told me repeatedly that he doesn't want to continue a relationship with her, but she always manipulates him into getting back together. She treats him terribly, and it breaks my heart. I know he deserves better. His personality changes when he's with her. He gets mean and blames their problems on me because that's what she does.

I know I'm not responsible for this situation, but she makes me feel that way. I need stability, and I just want my dad back. What should I do? -- TEEN IN TURMOIL

DEAR TEEN: What's going on is not your fault. You should not assume responsibility for their problems because you can't fix them.

Talk with your father about how you are being made to feel. That he and this woman have broken up four times should have given him a clue that his relationship with her isn't a healthy one -- for him or for you. Your father is the adult in the family, and it is up to him to deal with this -- not you. Hiding in the basement isn't the answer.

DEAR ABBY: I have been having boundary issues with my neighbors and their children. We have different parenting styles. They are hands-off, free-range parents. I keep an eye on my daughter. They're all around the age of 5.

Problem is, every time I take my daughter outside their two children immediately run over to play with her. I'm seven months pregnant, and I do not want to be the neighborhood baby sitter! If any of those kids runs toward the road, I can't chase them down. I don't want to send my daughter to their yard to play because they have a pool, my daughter doesn't know how to swim and no one watches these kids.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I'd like to enjoy the nice weather alone with my daughter once in a while. She loves playing with them, but they just want to play with her toys -- not her -- and it almost always ends up with her in tears. What can I do? -- TEARS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR TEARS: Talk to the parents! Explain that you would like to spend time outdoors with your little girl, and you are not prepared to watch their children. You should also mention that when their children run over to play, it's not with your daughter but with her toys, which hurts her feelings.

P.S. If your neighbors' pool is not fenced and any of the neighborhood children should fall in, the legal liability would be theirs. There is something known as an "attractive nuisance." An unsecured swimming pool would be an example.

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DEAR ABBY: I have some suggestions for "Longing to Be a Mom" (Feb. 27), whose husband doesn't want a child. If you talk your husband into it, are you prepared to do all the parenting while he sits staring at the TV or starts working longer hours or worse? Are you prepared for the lack of connection that child might have with his/her father?

Grieve your loss. Losing the possibility for motherhood is a great loss. Find a support group or counselor who deals with loss. Believe me, I understand. My boyfriend told me he wanted children. Motherhood was my dream, and I lost my only child to an early miscarriage. Then my husband revealed he'd never really wanted children -- he only said he did because he wanted to marry me.

So I made a conscious decision to live a different life than I had planned, but a full and satisfying one. Thousands of children need someone to care. Explore opportunities to love a child who doesn't have your blood, but who could have your heart.

Help at a church's children's department, a Girl Scout troop, tutor children at a local school, offer to take a single mom's children to a park for an hour. The possibilities are endless.

No, it's not the same as bearing your own children. But even if one dream was dashed, take heart: You can still fulfill new ones. -- HELEN IN WASHINGTON

DEAR HELEN: Thank you for offering sensible advice to help "Longing" as well as other women in her situation. Readers suggested other ways to mother children who are already in the world: joining the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, volunteering at a day care facility or after-school program, contacting Boys and Girls Clubs of America, cuddling newborns at a hospital and becoming involved in a homeless shelter's Adopt-a-Family program.

DEAR ABBY: I love my husband very much. He's a very sweet and thoughtful man, but he's horrible at picking out gifts -- not just for me but for everybody. Occasionally he has given me something I liked, but usually his gifts are way off the mark, and I must pretend to like them to spare his feelings.

The last few years I've put together Christmas and birthday lists for him, hoping it would solve the problem, but he says he hates lists. He says it's better for someone to put "thought" behind a gift, which I agree with, but it's just not one of his talents.

Can you suggest a way to speak to him about this without hurting his feelings? It would be greatly appreciated. -- TIRED OF UGLY SWEATERS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TIRED: Choose a time between gift-giving occasions to point out that while it may be the thought that counts, he could be getting better value for his money if he asked the recipients what their color preferences or needs are. Because you have assembled lists of suggestions and he chooses to ignore them, understand that your husband may have his own agenda in gift selection. And if you have your eye on something for a special occasion -- buy it for yourself.