DEAR ABBY: My son "Jeff" is wealthy and lives in another state with his wife and family. His wife has now moved her mother to where they live and she works for my son. Jeff and his family take vacations several times a year in the U.S. and out of it, and always include her mother or her father and his wife.

Two months ago, he invited his sister and niece to go with them. They were very excited, but a few days later he called them and said his wife wanted her mother to go, so the invitation was withdrawn.

My son and his wife don't think they did anything wrong, but there have been bad feelings ever since, and they continue to take her family everywhere. How would you handle this? Would you keep silent or speak to them? -- NOT INVITED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR NOT INVITED: It appears your son's wife rules the roost. I don't blame your daughter for feeling hurt, because what your son did was insensitive and rude.

The problem with keeping silent is that hurt feelings fester and grow. If it were I, I wouldn't fume in silence. Your daughter should talk to her brother about what happened, and point out how hurtful rescinding the invitation was to her and her daughter. Getting it off her chest may make her feel better.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 69-year-old woman. I look my age because, unlike most of my friends, I don't color my hair. Sometimes when I'm shopping -- such as in a grocery store -- employees call me "young lady," as in "How are you today, young lady?" I find it condescending. Why is it necessary to make reference to my age? Obviously, they don't think I'm young at all. What would you say in these situations? -- IRRITATED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR IRRITATED: You are asking a question I receive often. Older women not only resent being called "young lady," they also dislike being called "honey" and "sweetie" by someone who doesn't know them well. Because it bothers you, tell the person, "I know you're trying to be nice, but in the future, please use my name or call me 'ma'am.'" This is something you might also mention to the store manager, so he or she can remind the staff that not everyone appreciates the over-familiarity.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, on an airline flight, the passenger next to me put her feet (with shoes on) onto the headrest in front of her. No one was in the seat. Since she had her headphones on, I tapped her on the shoulder and indicated that it was unsanitary to put one's feet where normally a passenger's head should be. I got a dirty look for my efforts, and the young woman made quite a scene.

Should I have ignored the situation, or said something to the flight attendants? What do you recommend? -- UNSANITARY IN THE EAST

DEAR UNSANITARY: If you had quietly alerted the flight attendants and let them handle it, you would have spared yourself the unpleasantness you experienced. That's what I would recommend.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter, "Emily," is 13. I have been very involved with her all her life. My daughter, "Ginger," is divorced and has had a boyfriend, "Greg," for about three years, but there has been no talk of marriage.

Greg's mother has told Emily to call her "Grandma." Emily is OK with that, but it hurt my feelings, Abby.

I feel that Greg's mother should realize she's using a title that's not hers. I realize she's trying to make Emily feel like part of their family, but to me, this is my title, not hers. She has known Emily for three years, and while she's nice to her, I'm the one who has been doing grandma duties for 12 years -- not her. To me, she should be called something special but not "Grandma."

How do I cope with this? Shouldn't the other "grandma" have realized she's pushing herself into the position of the real grandma? -- HURT GRANDMA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HURT: You are taking this too personally. If Greg's mother wasn't hoping her son would marry your daughter, she would not be "embracing" Emily the way she has.

Your granddaughter does not love this woman more than she does you. Whether Greg's mother "should" realize she's treading on thin ice is something I cannot conjecture. However, I'm sure she didn't do this to annoy you. If you bring this up with her, you will annoy her, which will likely annoy her son and your daughter, so I advise against it. I'm betting that eventually she will become an official grandma -- however, if that doesn't happen, your problem will be solved because she'll be history.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's horrible sisters have invited themselves to our home in Florida. They hate me. One's husband sexually assaulted me five years ago. When I had her come and get him (he was drunk), she accused me of making it up! (Abby, she saw it happen.)

The other sister has never invited us over for dinners or special events. She's extremely obese and will break our furniture if she sits on it.

We are in our 70s, live modestly and can't afford this selfish intrusion. My husband says, "But they're my sisters!" Please help me get out of this. -- LOOKING FOR PEACE

DEAR LOOKING: I'll try. You and your husband are not joined at the hip. No law says you must be there. Yes, they are his sisters, so he can visit them in their homes, without you. 'Nuff said?

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whose father recently passed away. Her mother passed away eight years ago. Everything was paid for -- all funeral arrangements and anything else you can think of.

She's wondering what to do with the money she received in the cards people sent her. Have masses? Donate it to charity? Her sibling took some of the cards from her mom's funeral and applied the money toward a vacation. My friend just wants to do the right thing. What is the right thing? -- WANTS TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT

DEAR WANTS: If the money isn't needed for expenses, it is the recipient's to do with as she (or he) wishes. However, a thoughtful and respectful thing to do would be for your friend to donate it to a charity her father supported, or toward research into a cure for the disease that took his life.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have two beautiful children. I recently found out that for the last two years, he has been having an affair, and his mistress is now three months pregnant.

When I confronted him about the situation, he claimed he doesn't know what to do. I have told him I'm willing to work things out and be supportive of the child, but the affair has to stop. The problem is, he's having a hard time letting go. He says he's in love with both of us.

I love my husband deeply and do not want to throw it all away for a mistake that I, too, once made. I know his mistress wants to be with him and has been slowly working her way into his life. Please give me some advice. -- LOST IN LOVE IN HOUSTON

DEAR LOST: Insist that you and your husband talk with a licensed marriage and family therapist to see if you can get your marriage back on track. While it may be possible to be in love with two women at the same time, here in the USA plural marriage is frowned upon.

Texas, thank the Lord, is a community property state, so it's important that you understand what that will mean to you and your children financially should a divorce become necessary. Discuss this with a lawyer, so you know your options.

Your husband knows what he should do; he just doesn't want to do it. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 53-year-old man, twice divorced, raising a 16-year-old son as a single parent. I have been dating a woman with the same history, but her children are grown. Both of us are alcoholics. We are best friends, or at least drinking buddies. At least, we were.

Recently, she has experienced the deaths of a sibling and her ex-husband. Now she feels I don't give her enough attention. How can I convince her that I love her more than ever, but my free time needs to go to my son? In the past, our bar time would suffice, but lately she needs more. What should I do? -- SHE WANTS MORE IN OHIO

DEAR SHE WANTS: I understand your drinking buddy wants more, but your first responsibility must be to your teenaged son. She may not like what I have to say, but I hope you will take it to heart. You would be a better father -- and a better partner, if you're so inclined -- if you were sober. Alcoholics Anonymous can help you achieve sobriety if you reach out to them. You can find a meeting online at aa.org. Then, be a "best friend" to your lady by telling her she could find the support and companionship she's desperate to experience by attending meetings at AA herself. Perhaps you could attend together instead of going to the bar. It would be a win-win for all three of you.