DEAR ABBY: I am 19, and I have been smoking and drinking -- a lot -- ever since I was 14. I also sneak out and go to parties and hang out with a gang I'm in.

We get into a lot of fights. I know I have hurt quite a few people, and I want to set myself straight. I'm worried because I'm dealing with major anger issues and I don't want to hurt anyone else. Please help me. -- ANGER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ANGER: The gang life can be difficult and dangerous to escape. If you have relatives in a different city, a step in the right direction might be to ask if you can live with them for a while.

I'm sorry you didn't mention whether you managed to get your high school diploma. If the answer is no, your next step should be to see if you can take adult education classes and earn your GED. At the same time, inquire if there is counseling available through the school to help you with your anger issues.

Stay safe, remain focused and you will be surprised at what you can achieve.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I are still living in the same house for financial reasons. We speak to each other only regarding our kids and the house. Otherwise, we keep our lives as separate as possible. I haven't spoken to anyone from his family since our separation more than a year ago.

What would be expected of me if someone in his family falls ill or passes away? We were married 30-plus years. I don't think I'd feel comfortable inserting myself into their private time, yet I feel like maybe I should, considering our kids and the amount of time I've known them all. Thoughts or rules? -- DON'T KNOW MY PLACE IN THIS

DEAR DON'T KNOW: If your presence would provide comfort to the grieving family members, you should go to the viewing or funeral. If you feel it would prove stressful, then send a card or flowers expressing condolences.

DEAR ABBY: I donate to a number of good causes. But my mailbox and email are full of even more requests for donations. Now store clerks are asking for donations at the checkout counter, and if you don't donate, you are treated like a cheapskate.

I'm really tired of being strong-armed in stores. If they want store profits to go to these causes, fine, but customers don't shop there to have someone else choose their donations for them. I wish stores would stop doing this. We can't support every good cause. There are just too many. -- TOO MANY CAUSES

DEAR TOO MANY CAUSES: The adage "We can't change the behavior of others; we can only change the way we react" applies to your situation. If you feel you are being shamed or discriminated against because you are unwilling to donate to the cause du jour, shop elsewhere.

DEAR ABBY: I was divorced seven years ago. My ex-wife, "Annie," and I were married almost seven years and had what I thought was a great relationship. Then we bit off more than we could chew financially. I began working long hours to get us out of the pit, which created distance between us until divorce became inevitable. We tried working things out five years ago. It failed.

Since then, I have been in a handful of relationships that ultimately went down in flames. Three months ago, I rekindled one of those relationships, but it ended quickly because, in a moment of passion, I called her by Annie's name. I contacted Annie and shared it with her hoping for something.

A month later, I lost my mother to lymphoma and contacted Annie as a shoulder to lean on because I had no one else. She has a new fiance now, and when she told me, I was devastated.

I have started talking to someone new, and it's going well so far, but I find myself dreaming about Annie and longing for her and the good times. How do I get over her? I find myself looking at mutual friends' Facebook pictures just to get a glimpse of her. -- TORN APART IN TEXAS

DEAR TORN: Stalking your ex-wife on Facebook isn't going to get you what you want. It won't win her back or help you to get on with your life. What will help will be to start talking with a licensed mental health professional who can help you begin to reorient your thinking and start living in the present rather than the past. Please consider it, because your emotional dependence on your ex is neither helpful for you nor productive.

DEAR ABBY: I have a pet peeve with my husband's family and am wondering if I am wrong. My in-laws often pick up a toothpick and use it while we are still seated at the dinner table. This happens even in restaurants. When they dine in my home, they leave their used toothpicks lying around. It's disgusting.

My mother-in-law is now starting to floss her teeth in public. I believe these activities should be done in private. Is there any written protocol about the use of toothpicks? I know my mother-in-law reads your column, and I'm hoping she won't miss this. -- "PICKED" OFF

DEAR "PICKED": I agree that good manners dictate oral hygiene should be attended to away from the dinner table, and so does Emily Post. In Emily Post's "Etiquette" (18th edition), she writes, "Toothpicks should be used in private, not as you walk out of the restaurant or, worse still, at the table." The same is true of flossing, in order to avoid having one's dental detritus land on the table or, worse, on a dinner companion.

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DEAR ABBY: My mother is a narcissist and a user. She has never held down a job and blames everyone else. We rarely get along for more than 15 minutes at a time.

I used to blame myself, but have realized over the years that I'm not alone in how I feel about her. The problem is, she doesn't realize her behavior is unacceptable. If you try to address it, it causes an argument. She has no idea that she has alienated herself from our family and has no friends. She loves me and I love her, but I can't stand to be around her.

I'm an only child. Because of the way she is there is no one else in her life. I'm responsible for 99 percent of her social interactions outside of work. What do I do? She says that because she has no savings, she will be moving in with me when she's older. The idea of taking care of her until she dies keeps me up at night.

Part of me wants a relationship with my mother -- more for her sake than for mine -- but she's toxic. How do I handle her now and as she ages? I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way, but it's causing me increasing anxiety. -- DISTRESSED DAUGHTER IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DAUGHTER: You are responsible for your mother's social life because you have placed yourself in that position. The person responsible for her social life as well as her financial situation is her, not you.

It is time to tell your mother she had better start putting money away for her old age because she will not be moving in with you. To take care of yourself does not make you a terrible person, so do not allow anyone to tell you that it does.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice on how to approach a friend, "Sarah," about a sensitive topic. She's pretty, but she dresses sloppily. Her pants are so loose they slip off her waist, her shirts are too tight and short, and she never wears makeup or jewelry.

I'd like to take her shopping for clothes that fit her better, especially as she has started looking for a new job and will need appropriate clothes for an interview. However, Sarah's a bit on the large side and sensitive about it, so she doesn't like shopping with others and refuses our offers to help. She also gets offended if someone points out that her clothes don't fit.

I don't want her wardrobe to impede her interviews, and I think she could benefit from a new look. How can I gently offer to go clothes-shopping with her so I can help her find nice clothes without offending her? -- FASHIONISTA IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR FASHIONISTA: How is your friend doing in that job search? If she tells you it's not going well, that would be the time to offer your help. But do not approach the subject from a grooming perspective, which Sarah could regard as insulting. Instead, approach it from the job attire angle. Suggest she could make a better impression if she "dressed for success," and volunteer to help her pick out some things.