DEAR ABBY: I can't drive. It's not because I don't want to, but whenever I sit behind the wheel, I have panic attacks. I'm currently attending therapy for it, and progress is being made, albeit slowly.

The problem is, when I try to explain that I suffer from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), which affects my ability to learn to drive and sometimes just function day to day, I get a raised eyebrow and a "Well you look fine to me." I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation when the subject of my disability comes up. I'm not ashamed of it, but it's frustrating to be regarded as either lazy or a liar because I don't "look" disabled and I'm not "disabled enough" to apply for disability. How do I handle this? -- ELAINE IN COLORADO

DEAR ELAINE: You look fine because you have what is called a hidden disability. You do not have to discuss it in casual conversation. If someone asks you to drive, explain that you can't because panic attacks prevent it, but you are "working on getting it resolved." If someone implies that you are lazy or a liar, reveal that you are in therapy to address it if you choose. If that doesn't shut the ignorant person up, keep your distance.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl who has been having a hard time moving on since I was sexually assaulted. Although it was four years ago, it has conflicted with my current and past relationships because I tell guys I'm not ready for anything like that yet. They know what happened and keep trying to push me to move on from my fear. Please tell me what to do. -- NOT READY IN IDAHO

DEAR NOT READY: You are smart not to have allowed yourself to be "persuaded" into doing anything you don't feel ready for. I'm sorry you didn't mention whether you received counseling after the assault. If you didn't, you would benefit from discussing what happened to you with someone trained to help victims of the kind of trauma you have experienced. R.A.I.N.N. (the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) can help you to locate a rape treatment center in your area. Either call (800) 656-4673 or go to rainn.org and they will give you the information you need. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: You often publish letters from women who are upset that their boyfriends haven't proposed, sometimes after years of being together. These letters perplex me. We live in a time when women are told they can do anything, be anything. So why are they waiting for some guy to finally pop the question?

My suggestion to them: Ask him! And if he waffles or says he isn't ready to commit, you'll know there's probably no use waiting. Then find someone who recognizes you for the awesome person you are and can't wait to be with you. -- WISE WESTERNER

DEAR WESTERNER: I suspect that more women don't take the initiative because they are afraid of the response they'll receive. But you have offered wise advice. Time is precious. It shouldn't be wasted waiting for a commitment that may never come.

DEAR ABBY: I have really nice neighbors, and we are always pleasant to each other. We put up a large above-ground pool in our backyard, and they put up a trampoline.

I would like to enjoy our pool (how to put this delicately?) without tan lines. I do not want to offend them or expose myself to their teenage son when he's jumping on their trampoline. Is there a tactful way to ask them to move the trampoline since there is no other way to stay discreet in my own backyard? -- NO TAN LINES

DEAR NO TAN LINES: Have you not heard about "tan through" fabrics? They were invented years ago to help women achieve a "summertime glow" without the risk of being reported for indecent exposure. You can find more information about this type of swimwear online by searching "no tan line swimsuit."

One caveat: Dermatologists recommend avoiding the sun to prevent skin cancers. When using these garments, make sure to use sunscreen underneath the swimsuit so you will achieve an all-over tan instead of a nasty all-over sunburn.

DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered my wife was having an "emotional affair" with an also-married co-worker. She swears it wasn't physical, but their texts contain professions of love for each other and claims of "I can't wait to see you again." As I read them, my heart was pounding out of my chest, and I wasn't sure if I would survive the day.

My wife blames it on my emotional shortcomings. I agree that we have had issues. But I love her very much, and I don't want to see our marriage fail. No one forced her to have an affair. But she refuses to accept that. How can I get her to acknowledge that what she did has threatened our marriage and gutted me? -- HURTING IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR HURTING: Unless you and your wife are willing to deal with the issues that led to her having the emotional affair, she may continue to seek fulfillment elsewhere. Stop arguing and agree to go as a couple to a licensed marriage and family therapist. You both have work to do repairing your relationship, and doing so may take time and mediation.

DEAR ABBY: Our boy-and-girl twins are celebrating another birthday soon. They will be 5 and want a joint party. They have mutual friends, as well as other, individual friends.

What's the best way to word an invitation suggesting that the boy guests bring only a gift for him, and the girl guests bring only a gift for her without sounding tacky? We don't want to overburden people who may feel obligated to bring something for each child. Frankly, they have been blessed materially, and are in need of very little. -- PERPLEXED PARTY PLANNER

DEAR PERPLEXED: Why not send separate invitations for each twin? It may save their friends' parents some confusion. And consider including "If you have questions or need further information, call me" on the invitations as well.

DEAR ABBY: I am a working mother of three who may be battling postpartum depression. I feel like I am parenting alone. I get the kids out of the house by myself in the morning before my husband even drags himself out of bed. I drop the kids off. I go to work.

I teach, so my day is spent dealing with other people's kids, and then I pick my own kids up. I have no time to decompress or devote to myself.

When there are school functions, my husband makes me feel guilty that I'm not spending time with the kids. Now he's starting to make me feel guilty because the kids like him less than they do me. How do I get across to him that if he did more and was around them more, they would like him more?

I'm so tired from juggling all these balls. I feel like if something were to happen to me, he'd have no clue what to do. How can I fix this situation? I don't want to resent him, but I'm starting to. -- EXHAUSTED, HOT MESS MOM

DEAR MOM: Postpartum depression is more than being tired and overscheduled. It's a medical condition that, left untreated, can have serious consequences.

It might help to discuss what's going on with your physician, who can then help you explain to your husband that if he doesn't step up, he could indeed be left with the sole responsibility of taking care of the children. You're right. You shouldn't be carrying the whole load, and the bonus would be the likelihood that your husband's relationship with the children would improve.

DEAR ABBY: I have two daughters, and we don't always see eye to eye. I think one of them is emotionally abusive because she is so critical about everything having to do with me.

The problem is I have wonderful grandkids who are very young. I would love to see them grow up, but I'm able to see them only perhaps 24 days out of the year. I feel lonely knowing my daughter and her husband are so close yet so far because they're too busy with their lives to let me interact with my grandchildren.

I do have my own things to do and I am active, but I would love a change of scenery after two marriages. I would love to visit new places and make new friends and build a new life for myself. But I wonder if it would be abandoning my grandchildren. I could still visit them two to three times a year from wherever I end up.

I have sacrificed all my life doing the right things by putting others first, and I'm afraid that if I don't travel now or live somewhere else, I may not be well enough later on. What do you think is a good solution for me? -- AT A CROSSROADS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: I agree you should move. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but if it doesn't, at least you will have a chance to live your dream. Take it while you're young enough to enjoy it, and video chat with the grandkids.

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