DEAR ABBY: I had a brief affair with a married man 36 years ago. "Jerry" had left his wife after learning she was sleeping with his best friend. Our affair ended and we went on with our lives. Jerry stayed with his wife, and I married the man of my dreams.

After 45 years of marriage, Jerry's wife died. My husband died suddenly two months before she did. A few years ago, a mutual friend put us together. We enjoy each other's company and spend time together.

Jerry's two daughters are giving him a hard time about us dating. They told him they will never accept me because they know I was the one he had the affair with. They don't know about their mother's affair.

A month before she passed, she told her daughter, for whatever reason, that her father would go back to me. My family has welcomed him with open arms. Jerry's daughters are married, so he's alone most of the time.

How should we handle them? His son is OK with us. It hurts Jerry when his daughters tell him he's not to have me at his house or any gatherings they may have. Would really like your thought on this. -- BRIEF AFFAIR

DEAR B.A.: Not knowing Jerry's late wife, I can only guess why she told her daughter what she did. It's possible it was to prevent you and her husband from rekindling your relationship after her death.

The person to handle it might be the mutual friend. Because the "girls" know only half the story, that person could tell them the other side. Whether the information alters their view on your relationship is anybody's guess.

Jerry should also make clear to his daughters that he is now a single adult, who doesn't need anyone telling him who to entertain in his home and that he expects the woman in his life to be treated, at the very least, with civility. Unless he is prepared to draw the line, they will run his life for him as long as he's breathing.

DEAR ABBY: I recently suffered a heart attack. Everything's fine now except for some minor damage to my heart and some necessary lifestyle changes. Smoking is now out.

I live in a rural area. The only cath lab facility was 45 minutes away by helicopter. My boss and assistant supervisor both traveled 2 1/2 hours to visit me and, in addition, my boss and his director are coming here today to transport me back home. I would like to show my appreciation for their kindness, but I'm not sure what would be appropriate. Your advice would be appreciated. -- ON THE MEND

DEAR ON THE MEND: I'm pleased you are doing better. I'm sure anything you choose to give them would be appreciated. Consider taking them out to dinner. Alternatively, perhaps present them with coffee mugs with "hero" or "champion" on them -- they can be ordered online -- and a card explaining that the word reminded you of them.

DEAR ABBY: My adult son passed away two years ago at a young age. We were very close while he was growing up. He married young, and I maintained a great relationship with both him and his wife. They gave me the most precious grandchildren any woman could ask for, and I am extremely active in their little lives.

My daughter-in-law has moved on. She met a nice young man, and they are planning to be married in the near future. Do you think I would be out of line to request to have my son's ashes back home with me? We live near each other, I love her very much, and we still have a great relationship. I don't want to damage it by asking this if it's not appropriate.

I would pass his ashes on to his children when they grow up, of course, but for now, I'd love to have my son back home with me and his dad because she has started her new life. My husband is noncommittal about the subject. When I broach it, he says he "doesn't want to talk about it." I really have no one to ask or confide in about this. Your thoughts would be most appreciated. -- STILL BROKENHEARTED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR STILL BROKENHEARTED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your clearly dearly beloved son. If you would like to have his ashes after his widow remarries, I doubt she would be offended if you asked what her plans are for them and if you could have them or split them with her.

I can understand why you would want them, but I'm not at all certain your grandchildren would welcome that responsibility when they become adults. Your husband may be reluctant to discuss this because he is still grieving and hurting, too. However, because you are, as you say, still brokenhearted, please consider grief counseling and joining a grief support group.

DEAR ABBY: I have an elderly friend who complains nonstop when I phone her. She lives a three-hour drive from me and expects me to be the one to call. She doesn't carry long-distance on her home phone, and her sight is too poor to dial numbers, although she's able to see the TV.

I feel sad for her, but I dread calling her because of her negative attitude about life in general. It's a shame to end a 40-year friendship, but I don't believe I'm helping her or myself by listening to all her complaints. Should I write her and say I wish she'd try to be more positive? She has health issues, but I know many people who try to be pleasant in spite of poor health. -- FEELING BAD FOR HER, BUT ...

DEAR FEELING BAD: If the alternative to telling your elderly friend how her constant negativity affects you would be to drop her entirely, convey to her what you have written to me. The woman appears to be very isolated and possibly depressed. If she has family, suggest they involve her in activities for seniors in the community. Contact with other seniors might give her spirits and her outlook a much-needed boost.

DEAR ABBY: My parents were separated for most of my life and divorced 10 years ago. Dad and I don't talk much, but we do get together for special occasions and visits during vacations. Mom and I speak frequently and see each other as often as possible.

My problem is, when I talk about doing things with Dad, she makes me feel guilty for not inviting her -- even when my family is going to stay the night at Dad's. And every year on the date of their anniversary, Mom never fails to remind me how long they would have been married that year. It's uncomfortable, and I have told her that, but every year I get the call wondering why I haven't acknowledged their anniversary.

Am I wrong in thinking it's strange to wish someone happy anniversary when the couple is no longer together and hasn't been for a decade? Am I wrong for not inviting her along for the few visits with my dad? I'm at the point where I avoid talking about him, but I can't lie when I'm asked directly what our plans are. How can I stop these uncomfortable conversations? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Please stop letting your mother make you feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong. She is acting like she's still married to your father and their divorce is simply a "vacation" he has taken.

If she asks if she can come with you when you visit your dad, an appropriate response would be to suggest she ask him that question. And her expecting to be congratulated for the anniversary of a marriage that failed strikes me as bizarre. Because these conversations make you uncomfortable, change the subject or talk with her another time.

DEAR ABBY: My husband owns a restaurant. It's a demanding endeavor, and I help him out by running weekly errands, marketing, and occasionally fronting money for larger purchases or unplanned expenses. Generally, I don't mind. I have years of hospitality experience and some schooling in the field.

For the past few days, I have been fuming because my husband hired a man with whom we have a bad history. He dates my cousin and has been blatantly rude to my family. He has taken advantage of their kindness and turned my cousin into someone she was not before. (She's doing drugs.)

When I asked my husband if he really thought this was a smart choice, he said, "You don't own the restaurant. It's none of your business!" I disagree. Shouldn't I have a say when I help that place function week after week? Or is he right? -- MIFFED IN MISSOULA

DEAR MIFFED: When you asked your husband the question you did, it clearly hit a nerve or he wouldn't have become defensive. Because you have been putting money into the business to keep it going, you should be able to offer an opinion about how it is run and have it be respected.