life

Visiting Is a One-Way Street for Sisters Refusing to Travel

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 26th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have three sisters who won't come to visit me. I am older and their only brother. We are all in our 50s. We all get along great and have no issues.

Seven years ago, I moved away from our hometown in Pennsylvania and bought houses in vacation towns in Colorado and Arizona. I would never see my sisters if I didn't make the trip back home. The problem is, I have an injury that makes traveling very difficult.

Over the last seven years, I have gone back twice. I have offered to pay gas or airfare for them if they'll come visit me, but they always refuse. I have now given up and quit offering.

They are able to travel to see each other on occasion, but not me. I know they enjoy my company as we go jeeping and kayaking, etc. Their kids love me. It's a shame I may never see them again. What should I do? -- BAFFLED BROTHER IN PHOENIX

DEAR BROTHER: I agree it's a shame their reluctance to come to you may mean that you won't see them again. I think the time has come to ask your sisters to level with you about why they manage to visit one another, but won't do the same for you. When you do, "remind" them that although you love them, your health no longer permits you to do all the traveling.

You can't force them to make the effort, and if they are unwilling after that, you may have to accept that this is the way things are and this is how they will remain.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Family Plans Ahead for Two Different Funerals

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 26th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My elderly parents are opposites. Dad is a self-absorbed narcissist with no moral compass. Mom is a Christian woman who is loved by many. When they die, Mom will be missed. When Dad goes, we will mostly feel relief.

Would it be acceptable to have a large, lovely funeral for Mom, giving others the chance to pay their final respects, but for Dad, just a small family service? -- PLANNING AHEAD

DEAR PLANNING: Not only would it be acceptable, it would also be practical since few people pay respects to someone who isn't worthy of respect.

DeathFamily & Parenting
life

Secrets Aren't Safe With Chatterbox Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 26th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for 57 years. He has been a good provider and helps me often with errands. However, he has one serious failing. He can't keep a secret.

If I tell him something personal and ask him to keep it private, he invariably tells his friends during coffee dates or phone calls. Can you give me any insight about why he does this? I have decided that from now on I'll keep anything I don't want broadcast to myself. -- BLABBERMOUTH'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: Not knowing your husband, I can't guess why he would betray your confidence. But I do think you have arrived at a wise solution to your problem. He can't shoot off his mouth if he doesn't have the ammunition.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Husband Invites Wife to Join Him Watching Internet Porn

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 25th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband is retired. Except for golf a few times a week, he's home all the time. He has taken to looking at porn a lot when he is home, including pictures and reading racy stories.

When I come home from work, he's on the computer. I'm very uncomfortable with it, and I have told him so. He says I should join him looking at the pictures and reading the stories. Am I a prude or is this behavior unusual? -- TURNED OFF IN HOUSTON

DEAR TURNED OFF: I'm reluctant to label either of you with only the sketchy facts you have presented. Much would depend upon the kind of pictures and stories your husband is viewing, because one person's porn can be another person's erotica. Many couples enjoy viewing it together and consider it to be a marital aid. Perhaps you should look over his shoulder a time or two and see if it works for you. Also, encourage your husband to get out and do other things, so his porn-watching time is not so excessive.

Sex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Mom Fears for Her Safety in Demanding Daughter's House

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 25th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 71-year-old woman living with my 49-year-old single daughter in her house. She works during the day and I stay at home. She expects me to clean the house, walk the dog, work in the garden, do the laundry, make dinner, etc. I am willing to help with these things, but she doesn't seem to appreciate what I do, as is often demonstrated by her comments concerning the amount of noise I make when I eat, my bedroom not being clean enough and my activity level.

She says she's doing this "for my own good," and that I am lazy and unmotivated to do anything but play on my computer (she unplugged the internet because she thought I spent too much time on it). She claims she loves me and wants me to live with her, but I feel I should move out before this gets physical and she hurts more than my feelings. What should I do? -- BOARDER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR BOARDER: Move if you can afford to do it. Your daughter may love you, as I am sure you love her, but the situation you describe isn't healthy for either of you. You are being treated like a servant, not a mother. You are right to be concerned that your daughter's verbal abuse may escalate, because it very well could.

Health & SafetyAbuseMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Dream of Vegas Wedding Would Exclude Extended Families

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 25th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married. We agree that we would like to be married in Las Vegas. However, it would mean excluding our extended families as most of them would not travel. We thought about having a wedding and reception in our state, then traveling to Vegas to be married there as well. Are there any etiquette breaches with this idea? -- VEGAS WEDDING

DEAR VEGAS WEDDING: By the time you get to Vegas you'll be married. While I don't think there would be any etiquette breaches if you want another ceremony, it seems to me that it would be more accurate to call it a "renewal of vows" rather than a second wedding.

MoneyEtiquette & EthicsFamily & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Revelations About Man's Past Cloud Hopes for Bright Future

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 24th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently started dating a man who, until now, has been everything I wanted -- respectful, kind, caring, funny, the list goes on. He's recently divorced, and from what I know, he was unfaithful to his wife with many long-term side partners. Later, he started having one-night stands.

He travels a lot for work, and because I had a relationship where I was cheated on, his travel already is a concern for me. Since we have decided to be an official couple, he has disclosed more detail about his one-night stands. They were with prostitutes.

He says he has found peace with himself and knows what a poor decision it was, and how much damage he did to his wife because of it. He claims redemption, that he has disclosed all this to his pastor and will never be that self-destructive man again. He told me because he didn't want to have any lies of omission walking into a new relationship.

I want to believe he's the man I thought he was and that he would never disrespect me, but this was a huge blow. Should I try to move past this by giving him credit for his honesty? -- DUMBSTRUCK IN CHICAGO

DEAR DUMBSTRUCK: I can't blame you for wanting to be cautious in light of this man's track record. Considering the number of women he has slept with, it's important you have a discussion with him about any STDs he may have contracted, as well as make an appointment with your OB/GYN to be checked for them because these days they are rampant.

After that, if you are really serious about each other, go as a couple for relationship counseling so you -- and he -- won't bring any baggage from the past into this current relationship.

Health & SafetySex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Misunderstanding Damages Rekindled Friendship Between Old Colleagues

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 24th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A woman I worked with years ago recently moved to the city where I live. We are both in our mid-60s, retired and unattached. After she contacted me on a social website, we met and have continued seeing each other for lunch, movies, sporting events, etc.

I misinterpreted her attempts to become friends with me. I liked her very much and became attracted to her. Recently a situation arose in which a missed communication, an irrational act by me as well as an insensitive comment I made, upset her and now she no longer wants to talk with me. I understand her feelings.

I don't know how long I should wait to contact her to attempt to renew our friendship -- a month, two months, six months or more? Or should I just walk away and hope she has a change of heart, decides to let bygones be bygones and contacts me to renew the friendship? -- UNFRIENDED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR UNFRIENDED: If apologies are in order, do not wait to make them. When you do, make clear that you didn't mean to upset her or make her uncomfortable, and you would still like to be friends -- on her terms -- if she is willing. From there on, the ball is in her court.

Work & SchoolFriends & Neighbors

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