life

Revelations About Man's Past Cloud Hopes for Bright Future

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 24th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently started dating a man who, until now, has been everything I wanted -- respectful, kind, caring, funny, the list goes on. He's recently divorced, and from what I know, he was unfaithful to his wife with many long-term side partners. Later, he started having one-night stands.

He travels a lot for work, and because I had a relationship where I was cheated on, his travel already is a concern for me. Since we have decided to be an official couple, he has disclosed more detail about his one-night stands. They were with prostitutes.

He says he has found peace with himself and knows what a poor decision it was, and how much damage he did to his wife because of it. He claims redemption, that he has disclosed all this to his pastor and will never be that self-destructive man again. He told me because he didn't want to have any lies of omission walking into a new relationship.

I want to believe he's the man I thought he was and that he would never disrespect me, but this was a huge blow. Should I try to move past this by giving him credit for his honesty? -- DUMBSTRUCK IN CHICAGO

DEAR DUMBSTRUCK: I can't blame you for wanting to be cautious in light of this man's track record. Considering the number of women he has slept with, it's important you have a discussion with him about any STDs he may have contracted, as well as make an appointment with your OB/GYN to be checked for them because these days they are rampant.

After that, if you are really serious about each other, go as a couple for relationship counseling so you -- and he -- won't bring any baggage from the past into this current relationship.

Love & DatingSex & GenderHealth & Safety
life

Misunderstanding Damages Rekindled Friendship Between Old Colleagues

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 24th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A woman I worked with years ago recently moved to the city where I live. We are both in our mid-60s, retired and unattached. After she contacted me on a social website, we met and have continued seeing each other for lunch, movies, sporting events, etc.

I misinterpreted her attempts to become friends with me. I liked her very much and became attracted to her. Recently a situation arose in which a missed communication, an irrational act by me as well as an insensitive comment I made, upset her and now she no longer wants to talk with me. I understand her feelings.

I don't know how long I should wait to contact her to attempt to renew our friendship -- a month, two months, six months or more? Or should I just walk away and hope she has a change of heart, decides to let bygones be bygones and contacts me to renew the friendship? -- UNFRIENDED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR UNFRIENDED: If apologies are in order, do not wait to make them. When you do, make clear that you didn't mean to upset her or make her uncomfortable, and you would still like to be friends -- on her terms -- if she is willing. From there on, the ball is in her court.

Friends & NeighborsWork & School
life

Plans to Live Together Fall Apart as Boyfriend Backs Out

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 23rd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Chris," and I were planning on moving in together. We went apartment hunting and created a realistic budget we could both maintain. He was the one who brought up the idea and also the one who pushed it.

Chris is an only child. His parents love him so much I think they will do anything to keep him in their house for as long as they can. (He's 21.) I know I must respect his parents, but I also know Chris really wants to be out on his own but is afraid of them.

I want the best for him and for us. How should I handle this situation without harming the relationship between him and his parents, or me and his parents as well? -- WANTING IT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WANTING IT: Because Chris is an adult, asking him when he does think the two of you can live together would be a fair question. However, if it's one he can't answer, you must realize that he isn't independent enough to cut the umbilical cord, and you should plan for your future accordingly.

Love & DatingMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Kindness Turns to Cruelty as Happy Marriage Deteriorates

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 23rd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: The first 20 years of our marriage were wonderful. My husband was kind, sweet and generous. Now he is angry most of the time, and spews rude and hurtful things at me.

When I ask him what's wrong and suggest marriage counseling, he says I am too sensitive or I take things wrong, and there's nothing the matter with our marriage. All I know is, this is not the man I fell in love with, and I don't know how much longer I can tolerate the way he's treating me.

I love my husband. I don't want to divorce him, but I also don't want to continue living this way. Please help. -- GONE WRONG IN OHIO

DEAR GONE WRONG: What your husband is doing is cruel, and for him to tell you you're imagining it, frankly, irritates me. I can't fix what's gone wrong in your marriage, but I'm glad to point you in the right direction.

Visit a marriage and family therapist without him and describe what's been happening. Whether the insight you gain will save your marriage is anybody's guess. However, it may give you the strength to do what is best for you, in the present and in the long run.

Marriage & DivorceAbuse
life

Regular Readers Take Advantage of Store's Open Book Policy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 23rd, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I walk the mall most days, and our route usually takes us through a bookstore where we enjoy coffee in the coffee shop attached to it. Every time we go we see one particular couple sitting there reading the books and magazines but never bothering to buy anything.

The place is not a library. These bookstores are striving to stay alive and make a profit. I'm torn about whether to approach the couple, the management, or let them continue abusing the generosity of the store by never making a purchase. -- MALL PATROL

DEAR MALL PATROL: Do not take it upon yourselves to shame that couple, which could lead to an ugly argument. Your efforts would be better spent if you talk to the store manager about what you have observed and let that person handle it from there. (For all we know, the "offenders" may be Mr. Barnes and Ms. Noble.)

Etiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Mother-in-Law's Bragging Puts Pressure on College Candidate

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 22nd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: After a lot of talk and no action, I finally made the decision to further my education with a master's degree. At present, I have one more required undergraduate credit to complete at the local university. My husband and I are excited that I finally made the decision and am following through.

The problem is my mother-in-law. She has told everyone I have been accepted into the master's program at a prestigious school in my area -- one I am hoping to get into. Abby, we recently threw a surprise party for her mother and everyone was congratulating me. I was embarrassed and had to correct them, saying that was my hope, but I haven't yet applied.

I have asked her to please stop, but it continues. I know she's excited and proud of me, and for that I am thankful, but now I'm incredibly nervous that if I don't get in I'll look like a failure. Suggestions? -- NERVOUS IN THE EAST

DEAR NERVOUS: I am unsure why your mother-in-law would continue to spread information she knows isn't true. Perhaps it's wishful thinking. If you tell her that what she's doing only increases the pressure on you, she may pipe down, but don't count on it.

Because you can't control what comes out of her mouth -- and the cat is out of the bag, so to speak -- you have two choices. Gain admission to that master's program or, if that doesn't turn out to be possible, level with the people who prematurely congratulate you and explain that your MIL jumped the gun and acceptance wasn't a sure thing. The only thing you shouldn't do is allow yourself to be embarrassed about it.

Work & SchoolFamily & Parenting
life

Grief Is Real After Death of 'Best Friend'

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 22nd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A recent death in my family has affected me greatly. Her love for others was boundless; her enthusiasm for life unparalleled. Her sense of humor was remarkable. When my spirits were down, she greeted me with love every day and was a positive influence.

I'm speaking about my labradoodle, Molly. I was lucky enough to have her in my life for nine years. My problem is, people don't get it. Molly was family. I loved her, she died and I'm heartbroken. I'm being told to "get over it" -- she was "just a dog."

I understand that some people don't like dogs and that's OK. What I don't get is that they can't seem to grasp that I have experienced a great loss. Am I being silly? I feel like I have lost a child. Your input would be greatly appreciated. -- GRIEVING IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR GRIEVING: You are not being silly. Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your precious Molly.

Unless someone has experienced what you have, it can be difficult to empathize. Because you are grieving, I hope you will reach out to Molly's veterinarian and ask if he or she knows about a support group you can join to help you through this difficult period. Being able to discuss all of your feelings with people who have suffered the same loss can be healing.

Death

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