life

Age Is a Barrier to Daughter Joining Mom's Social Club

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 20th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am part of a small social ladies group. The eight of us range in age from mid-50s to late-60s. We get together once a month for lunch, a movie, dinner, shopping, etc. I look forward to it, and we always have a good time.

Recently, we lost a few members due to relocating, and the subject came up about trying to get a few more women interested in joining us. When I mentioned it to my daughter, who is in her early 30s, she got very excited and wants to join. When I approached the group about it, they were dead set against it, which surprised me. They feel it would change the atmosphere of the group because of the age difference.

I haven't told my daughter yet because I know her feelings will be hurt. Now I'm torn about whether to continue with this group of ladies, since I'm upset that my daughter will be excluded for a reason I consider to be trivial. Some of the ladies have never even met her. There have never been any "rules" discussed about who wouldn't be accepted.

I don't know how to proceed with this. Our next get-together is coming up soon, and I'm stressed as to how to handle it. Help! -- SOCIAL LADY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SOCIAL LADY: The way to handle it is to explain to your daughter that the other members of the group prefer socializing with women their own age, which is why she won't be invited to join them. Explain that it isn't personal, that they might not feel comfortable discussing issues in front of her that she has yet to face.

Because your daughter has time on her hands, encourage her to consider volunteering or joining a social group of contemporaries, and if you still feel as upset as you do about this group, ask if she'd mind if you joined her.

Family & ParentingFriends & Neighbors
life

Questions of Concern Sound Like Prying to Widowed Man

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 20th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: "Russ," my partner of 33 years, passed away nine months ago. Needless to say, it has been a tough time for me. I had a close relationship with his sister, who lives down the street. She and her husband were very supportive after Russ' death.

Russ' sister knows me only within the context of being her brother's husband. Now that he's gone, and I'm back to being a single gay man, how do I set boundaries without offending her? She's always asking where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I have been doing and who I'm going with. It's making me very uncomfortable because I don't think it's any of her business.

I refrain from discussing my private life with her, but she doesn't seem to be getting the message. I don't want to offend her since she's been so good to me, but at the same time, I need my privacy. -- SINGLE AGAIN

DEAR SINGLE: Could you be feeling guilty for deciding to start a new phase in your life? (You shouldn't, because it's normal and natural.) Russ' sister isn't some stranger who is trying to pry. She probably regards you as her surrogate brother. These are questions she would ask Russ if he had lived and you had passed away.

Please try to be less sensitive when she shows an interest. However, if that's not possible, you will have to level with her about how her questions make you feel.

Family & ParentingDeath
life

Brother's Fiancee Is Unaware of His Hidden Opiate Addiction

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 19th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My divorced 38-year-old brother is addicted to opiates. My wealthy, enabling mother constantly bails him out financially. My brother is engaged to a very kind woman -- a mother of three he met four months ago. She's not aware of his lies, manipulations, debt and pill addiction.

My brother has already destroyed a previous marriage with his actions, and I'm finding it difficult to sit back and let this happen to yet another innocent woman. I am tired of lying for him, and I know that eventually this will come to a head. Do I come forward with the truth now and possibly harm their relationship, or watch them go through with this marriage and hope for the best? -- UNSURE IN NASHVILLE, TENN.

DEAR UNSURE: Be prepared for the eruption that is sure to follow, but for the sake of those children, let the woman know what she will be dealing with if she goes through with the marriage. Whether she heeds your warning will be up to her, but at least she will know what she's in for.

MoneyMarriage & DivorceAddictionFamily & Parenting
life

Uncle Steps in to Protect Niece From Dangerous Choices

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 19th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My teenage son and daughter confided to me that their younger cousin (15) has been posting on social media that she's hanging out with men who are five years older and taking her mother's car without her knowledge. My teens have both warned her that she's making poor choices, but she won't listen.

It doesn't help that there is no father around, and her mother doesn't know how to say "no." My teens are very concerned. As the girl's uncle, I need advice on how to intervene. -- PRIVY TO A BAD SITUATION

DEAR PRIVY: It's definitely time for some adult intervention. If you are at all close with your niece, talk with her about how dangerous what she's doing is -- not only to herself, but also the men she's been seeing because they could land in jail. While you're at it, tell her mother what you know so she can hide her car keys before her daughter gets into a serious accident and hurts herself or someone else.

TeensHealth & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Man Feels Pigeonholed by Wife's Introductions

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 19th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: When my wife introduces me at a company event and/or party, she says, "This is my husband, 'Philip'; he's a teacher." I am uncomfortable being introduced that way because people have the preconceived notion that being a teacher defines who I am (which it does not).

I have pointed out that people are not usually introduced with their careers, unless they are doctors. My wife says I'm "overreacting." I have asked her to stop doing it, but she thinks I'm just being silly. Your thoughts/comments on our discussion would be greatly appreciated. -- MORE THAN A TEACHER IN ARIZONA

DEAR MORE: You and your wife have a bigger problem than how she introduces you. You are married to someone who dismisses and belittles your feelings. Whether you are overreacting is beside the point. If you prefer not to be introduced the way she is doing it, she should have enough respect for you to comply with your request.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Marriage Loses Intimacy After Accident Disables Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 18th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, my husband of 20 years was in a serious accident. He was placed on disability because of it. Because of the accident, he can't perform sexually because his "goods" don't work.

I am many years younger than he is and still in my prime. I need and want the cuddling and intimacy I'm not getting and haven't gotten for years. I have thought about finding a friend with benefits, but that's risky. I can't talk to him because he flips out and says, "Then leave!"

I feel our marriage has become just a living arrangement. Talking to a counselor or a doctor is out because he will refuse. Please help. -- LOST AND LONELY

DEAR LOST AND LONELY: Your marriage doesn't have to be "just a living arrangement." Although sex may no longer be possible with your husband, there's no reason why there can't be cuddling, intimacy and affection. Talking to a licensed marriage and family therapist will be helpful for you, whether or not your husband agrees to go with you.

Health & SafetySex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Wife Refuses to Retire From Housecleaning Chores

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 18th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Cheryl," and I have been married for 47 years. We are both over 70 and retired. Cheryl is a wonderful mother, grandmother, cook and more. We love to travel, dance, go to movies and play with our grandchildren.

The issue is, she's very picky with the housekeeping and refuses to hire any help because she says nobody can do the job she does. I feel it's affecting our marriage because after she spends a full day once a week cleaning, she ends up exhausted and in a bad mood. I also feel guilty while she's doing all that work.

I don't think either one of us should have to do it. We are well-off and can easily pay someone to come for a full day of cleaning once a week. I keep telling her, to no avail, that she can't keep doing it forever. I welcome your suggestions. -- NEEDING HELP IN TEXAS

DEAR NEEDING HELP: Cheryl may think what she's doing is being a good old-fashioned housewife. Enlighten her to the fact that you feel her compulsiveness is detrimental to your marriage. Try this: Tell her again you want her to give a housekeeper a chance. Repeat that you can afford it. Explain that if she's not satisfied after the person has cleaned, you won't argue if she puts the "finishing touches" on what the cleaner may have missed. If you hire someone efficient, there won't be a lot left for her to do, and she won't be exhausted.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Girlfriend Balks at Sharing a Room With Man and Teenage Son

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 18th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Troy," takes it as a personal offense that I won't share a hotel room with him and his younger son (age 15) when we go out of town to see his older son play college sports. Troy wants me to go to all of the games, but I have said I will only go when it's the 15-year-old's weekend to be at his mom's (Troy's two sons have different mothers).

I am extremely uncomfortable sharing the same hotel room, and Troy refuses to get separate rooms. Do you agree that I'm unreasonable? -- "BAD SPORT" IN OHIO

DEAR "BAD SPORT": No, I do not. You should not be talked into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable, so stick to your guns.

TeensLove & Dating

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