life

New Wife Surprised to Learn of Husband's Family Secret

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 28th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for a few months and are expecting our first child. His father passed away about a year ago. His parents had been married 33 years when he died.

A few weeks ago, we told my mother-in-law we were expecting our first child. After a joyous moment and some conversation later about children, she brought up my husband's half-brother, someone I didn't know existed! My husband then said, "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about him." She told him my father-in-law had reached out to the half-brother before his death to make amends (she'd had no knowledge they were in contact), but while she was cleaning out his wallet she found a picture of him.

Abby, I'm confused now about how to discuss this with my husband because I would love to know more details about his half-brother. I don't know how old he is, or what happened (i.e., infidelity). Evidently, he lives close to us. We might have met before. My husband nor anyone in his family mentioned this person, ever! Should I just leave it alone, or should I probe some more to see if I can get more information? -- PERPLEXED IN INDIANA

DEAR PERPLEXED: It appears the existence of this half-sibling is the skeleton in your husband's family closet. If I were you, I'd be careful about rattling it. Ask your husband if he's willing to share what he knows. If he is interested in pursuing more information, offer to help him. But unless he is, I do not advise starting to dig.

P.S. Because the father reached out to make amends, the half-brother may try to contact his siblings. But don't count on it.

Family & Parenting
life

Newlywed Worries She May Never Overcome Fear of Sex

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 28th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for four months. My husband and I love each other very much. Although he has asked me multiple times for sex, we have only made love twice.

My problem is, sex doesn't interest me. In fact, the thought of it terrifies me. I hate saying no because I know it hurts him, but I'm always scared that I won't enjoy it. Or that if I do say yes, I'll feel like it's a chore just to make him happy. I know that's the wrong mindset to have going into it.

I have apologized almost every time I turn him down. He always says I don't need to be sorry and we'll only do it when I'm comfortable, but I'm scared I might not ever be comfortable with it. Plus I have doubts that I've ever had an orgasm. How should I approach this? -- SCARED NEWLYWED

DEAR SCARED: If you had experienced an orgasm, I assure you that you would not have forgotten the experience. You need to have at least two honest conversations -- the first with your husband, the second with your gynecologist. Your problem may be physical, emotional or a combination of the two.

A licensed psychologist can help you figure out the reason for your feelings and resolve them, or refer you and your husband to a sex therapist. The only thing you should not do is wait any longer to deal with this.

Marriage & DivorceSex & Gender
life

Only Child Senses Time Has Come to Leave Widowed Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 27th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am an only child who has lived at home all her life -- 44 years. My father recently passed away, so now it is just Mom and me. She has become extremely clingy. She is jealous of my friends and feels I must be with her for almost everything. What can I do?

I think I should move out, but she will take it badly. Also, I'm concerned about her health. She's 71, diabetic and has a heart condition. Is this a lost cause or is there hope? -- HOPING IN FLORIDA

DEAR HOPING: I agree that you should move. It would have been better had you cut the umbilical cord while your father was still alive, but better late than never.

Are there relatives or friends who can look in on your mother regularly? If there are, enlist their help. She should not be allowed to become isolated and solely dependent on one person. Look into grief support groups and other programs for seniors in your community.

If your mother needs a companion and your family finances allow it, hire someone to stay with her. It's time you had a life of your own. Consider it the price of your freedom.

DeathFamily & Parenting
life

Infidelity Among Friends Is Hard to Handle From the Sidelines

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 27th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, one of my best friends was dumped by his long-term boyfriend. I was shocked because everyone thought they were an ideal couple, and theirs was a relationship to model all of ours after.

A few days ago, my friend finally felt comfortable enough to confide that his ex had cheated on him with another friend of ours, which was another shock. Since then, I have been conflicted about how to act around the ex, whom I considered to be a good friend until this happened. I am tempted to lash out at him for hurting someone we care about, but I don't want to add more drama.

We all are in undergrad together, so we see each other every day. It's getting harder not to stick up for my friend at this point. How do I suppress my anger in order to be a friend to both of them, even if the ex may not deserve it? -- ANGRY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ANGRY: A way to do that would be to remind yourself that there are usually two sides to a story. Bide your time and wait to see what happens. Whether you want to remain friends with the "cad" will become apparent with time. Remaining quiet may be the better choice, particularly if the "ideal couple" decides to reunite.

Love & DatingFriends & Neighbors
life

Widow Ready to Date Again Fears Health May Work Against Her

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 27th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 60-year-old widow who wants to begin dating. I have some health problems, although they are neither fatal nor limit my energy. I have excellent insurance and the monetary resources for the needed treatment.

I'm concerned that these conditions might scare off any suitors. How upfront must I be about them? I don't intend to lie, but must I give an extensive medical disclosure on the first few dates? -- WANTS TO BE UPFRONT

DEAR WANTS: I don't think your first conversations should include an "organ recital." However, if a relationship appears to be blossoming into something more than social, the honest thing to do would be to disclose.

Love & DatingHealth & SafetyDeath
life

Despite Their Divorce, Ex-Wife Treats Man Like a Best Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 26th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I were married for 29 years. Then she had an affair with a co-worker's husband. Now that we're divorced, she thinks we should be the best of friends!

If she has car, money or any other type of problems, she thinks I should help her. In the divorce, I kept the home, the furnishings, etc. She left with only a few things that were her mother's and her clothing.

She drops by unannounced, and wants to visit or watch television. I'm baffled. If she wanted out of the marriage and to have nothing to do with me, why is she still in my life? Granted, we have two daughters. One is 22, and the other, who is 10, lives with her.

She texts me about how her day has been, or if she's having problems at work or in life in general. I have been kind to her, not wanting to put too much stress on my youngest child. What should I do? -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: Your ex is no longer your life companion. She shouldn't be acting as if you are.

Have an honest conversation with her and create some boundaries. She should not assume she can drop by unannounced and expect you to solve her problems or comment on her day. Tell her you need your space and not to drop by without calling first because you may be busy or going out.

You can still be a loving and involved father to your 10-year-old without doing anything more than co-parenting with your ex, but only if you draw the line.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Girl Not Allowed to Date Is Stuck in Social Dilemma

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 26th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13 and I have a boyfriend, "Donald." We have a strong relationship for someone our age. My friends all say they can't see us breaking up. I'm not sure about this though.

The problem is, his mom recently invited me to dinner. And I had to turn the offer down. You see, I'm not allowed to date, and if my parents knew, I'd be switched to an all-girls boarding school. I always feel like I'm letting Donald down because his mom has made this offer more than once. He has never once complained, but I have no clue what to do. -- CLUELESS TEEN

DEAR CLUELESS TEEN: Here's what you do. Be totally truthful. Ask Donald to explain to his mother that as much as you would like to come to dinner, you cannot do that because your parents feel you are too young to date. Then take a rain check until your parents meet Donald and agree that it's all right for you to see him and accept his mother's invitation.

Love & DatingTeensFamily & Parenting
life

Do Rules of Etiquette Apply to Facebook Invitations?

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 26th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: The world is changing quickly thanks to the digital technology available to us. We all understand the importance of an RSVP, attendance at a celebration and a gift to the host on a mailed-out invitation. What do you think about Facebook invitations to wedding receptions, graduation parties, etc.? Most are sent out to masses of friends on the person's friends list. Do you consider those to be official invitations, requiring an RSVP, attendance and gift? -- WAITING FOR MY SNAIL MAIL

DEAR WAITING: Regardless of how the invitation is delivered, the polite response is to accept or refuse and not keep the sender hanging. If you choose to attend, a gift would be in order if the occasion requires one.

Etiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations

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