life

Parents Fall Short on Promises to Help Their Ailing Daughter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 23rd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I suffer from a debilitating, rare, chronic illness. Two years ago, my parents convinced me to move across the country to live with them in a city I've never lived in. They promised it would be "only for a year," they'd pay the cost of moving and finance a "year of wellness." I was to receive acupuncture, massage therapy, physical therapy, help from doctors, a personal trainer, etc.

They paid to move me, but have not followed through with any of their promises to help treat my disorder. What's more, I have had to fit an entire apartment's worth of furniture and other items into a small bedroom, and I'm not allowed to use the rest of the house.

Now that I am here, I can't afford to pay to move back east or possibly find a place to live or work without being established in this new city. Is there a way to address the predicament I am now in and the fact that they relocated me without keeping their promises? I'm extremely shy and have made no friends in this town these past two years. -- DESPERATE DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: You should not be isolated the way you are. And you need more help than I can give you in a letter. From your description, you are a prisoner in your parents' home. Contact your doctor back east about what has been going on. Of course, if you have friends there, you should alert them, too.

You will not get better living as you are. For your parents to have promised help and reneged is inexcusable. If there is an organization that supports your rare illness, it should be contacted too. Please do not wait.

MoneyHealth & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Boyfriend Measures Up in Every Way Except Height

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 23rd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm 22 and I'm dating this amazing guy a couple of years older than me. He really checks off so many things on my "list," I can't help but be attracted to and appreciate him. He is a good guy, good looking, real smart and our values match up. We also have a really good vibe together.

Here's the issue: He is not as tall as I would prefer. He's not super short, but we are the same height and when I wear shoes with a small heel, he's slightly shorter.

I don't know why I'm still thinking about the height thing when I could really see us together long term. Am I being superficial? What should I do? -- UNSURE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNSURE: Ask yourself this: Is your self-confidence so lacking that you would seriously allow his height to bother you? If the fact that you would be self-conscious wearing heels with him could deter you from a long-term relationship, you should let him go because your values are not as alike as you would like to think.

Love & Dating
life

Invitation to Date Produces Guilty Feelings for Widow

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 23rd, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away nine months ago at the age of 52. I miss him every day.

Recently, a man who was a friend of ours asked me out on a date. I must be honest -- the last nine months have been very sad and lonely, so when he asked me, I experienced a mixed bag of emotions. Would it be wrong to accept his invitation? And how do I deal with the guilt I'm feeling because I would like to go out with him? -- MUST BE MOVING AHEAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MUST BE MOVING AHEAD: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. It's not surprising that the period since his passing has been difficult for you. There is no set timetable for grieving the loss of a loved one. If you feel the time is right to have companionship again, you should not feel guilty about it. Go, girl, go.

Love & DatingDeath
life

Message Left on Voicemail Embarrasses Bulimia Patient

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 22nd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My psychiatrist's office called and left a very sensitive voicemail about my bulimia on a message machine shared with other individuals. Our voicemails are sent transcribed to everyone's email accounts.

Since my complaint (which was an argument during which the nurse who left the private information hung up on me), human resources and the office manager have contacted me to try to alleviate the tension, but I have received no apology from anyone for violating HIPAA or embarrassing me. Should I throw in the towel and find a new doctor or revoke my contact information from their files? I don't know how to proceed from here. -- PERSONAL TO PUBLIC

DEAR PERSONAL: If you provided a shared phone number as your point of contact, you should not have blamed the person who left the message for using it. I see no reason to change doctors, but you should definitely alter your client information so this doesn't happen in the future.

That said, does your psychiatrist know one of his/her employees hung up on you? If not, the doctor should be informed, and you should be offered an apology.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety
life

Off-and-on Dad Is Better Than No Dad at All

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 22nd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: As guardians of our 5-year-old grandson, we have been given all rights, no terms. He has a father who is "on again, off again" and makes zero financial contribution. I want to cut him off because consistency and effort are important to me, and he shows none.

My husband, on the other hand, says the boy is young, and I should give his father some time because contact once every other month is better than none at all. Our grandson enjoys him when he is here, but he doesn't miss him or ask for him once he's left. Should I allow this inconsistency and instability to continue? -- PARENTS AGAIN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PARENTS AGAIN: I think your husband is right. While the father's presence may be sporadic, at least your grandson knows that he is cared about. As he grows older, he may or may not start asking why his dad isn't around more. Deal with it then. The boy's stability is coming from the home you and your husband are providing for him, and that should be your focus.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Kindhearted Brother May Be Target for Woman With Designs

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 22nd, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm close to my brother and his wife. My friend "Dotty"-- who is estranged from her husband -- thinks my brother is hot, so when she sees him (without his wife) she greets him with a quick kiss on the lips. I have told her I don't think my sister-in-law would like it if she saw her do that.

Since then, Dotty has asked him to do repair work at her house (without pay) and he agreed because he is kindhearted. I told her subtly that I didn't think that was a good idea. Is her behavior toward married men normal? -- TOO FRIENDLY IN HAWAII

DEAR TOO FRIENDLY: It is, for a woman who is friendly, outgoing and on the prowl. You may be dropping hints about what Dotty is doing to the wrong person. The next time you talk to your brother, tell him what you think about your friend's behavior, and ask him what he thinks his wife would think about it.

Friends & NeighborsFamily & Parenting
life

Mother Fears Past Abuser Has Now Targeted Her Son

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 21st, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a son from a previous relationship, and have been in a relationship with a man I'll call Bryan for a year. Not long ago, Bryan confided to me that he and his brother had been molested by a female relative. I don't know her. I have only met his parents.

This female relative has been asking about my son on social media because she has seen him in pictures with Bryan's family. I want to tell her to back off, but so far, I have held off. I'm afraid if I do, I will cause problems because his parents don't know what I know.

My protective instinct has become very alert. I may be wrong, but I feel like she sees my son as a future target. What should I do? -- MAMA BEAR

DEAR MAMA BEAR: Listen to your protective instinct. Talk with Bryan and tell him the woman's questions are of concern to you, that you don't want her to have any information about or contact with your child, and then make sure your wishes are respected. If she receives any message to back off, it should come from him, not you.

AbuseFamily & ParentingLove & Dating
life

New Mom Peeved by Strangers' Presumptuous Questions About Breastfeeding

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 21st, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: On behalf of all new moms, please help with this question. Why does every woman in the world, it seems, feel entitled to ask new moms if they are breastfeeding their babies? How should new moms respond politely to this question? If you say yes, you may or may not be lying. If you say no, you will be judged. If you give an evasive answer, people will assume you are not and you will be judged as well. It seems to me that all substances excreted by the body should be off limits in social situations. -- MY BUSINESS IN TEXAS

DEAR MY BUSINESS: Judgmental people can get to you only if you allow it. While there are valid reasons why babies should be breastfed, it isn't always possible, and women should not be quizzed by strangers about whether they are.

My mother used to advise readers who were put off by prying questions to say, "If you will forgive me for not answering that question, I'll forgive you for asking." Even though you asked for a polite retort, in a situation like this, my response would be, "If that were any of your business, you would already know the answer!"

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

New Home With More Privacy Is Clothing Optional for Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 21st, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A couple years ago, when we moved to a home with more privacy than our previous home, my husband decided to walk around naked all the time. It's not that I'm a prude, but I don't find his furry 60-year-old body attractive in broad daylight. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I have asked him many times to please put something on, and he either ignores me or gets mad. I avert my eyes when he's sashaying by me. Is there anything else I can do to reason with him? -- SEEN ENOUGH ALREADY

DEAR SEEN ENOUGH: Probably not. Since you can't change him, why not join him one day a week? You have nothing to lose but your clothes -- and it might solve the problem.

Marriage & Divorce

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