life

Wife of Man With Parkinson's Wants to Start Dating Others

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 72-year-old married woman. My husband has atypical Parkinson's and can no longer talk or walk.

I exercise six days a week, but I need someone to talk to, to share life with. I tell my husband what I do each day, but of course, there is no feedback. He's at home, and we have 24-hour care.

Can I date? If I explained to him how I need companionship, he might agree. But am I being selfish? This has been going on for six years. I figure I have only 10 productive years left -- maybe fewer. I feel like my life is over. Please help me. I feel like I'm dying. -- REQUIRES COMPANIONSHIP

DEAR REQUIRES COMPANIONSHIP: I think it would be not only selfish but cruel to tell your husband you need companionship and want to seek another relationship. How would you feel if you were in his position, unable to walk or talk, and he said that to you?

If ever I heard of a person who needs to join a support group, it is you. The American Parkinson Disease Association (apdaparkinson.org) can help you locate one. The toll-free phone number is (800) 223-2732.

As to my giving you permission to date, that's something that should be between you and your conscience or higher power, not Dear Abby.

P.S. Couples who face this kind of diagnosis should have this conversation in advance.

Marriage & DivorceEtiquette & EthicsLove & DatingHealth & Safety
life

Husband's New Interest in Church Gets Wife's Attention

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 35 years, and I'm not sure how to respond to some recent developments in our relationship.

Ever since our wedding, I have tried to persuade him to attend church with me, but he always declined, preferring instead to stay home and catch up on his sleep. Both of us are Protestants, so I don't think my denomination was an issue. However, when his older brother moved back to our area a few months ago, my husband decided to attend church services regularly with him and his family. On top of that, he now wants us to have separate Facebook accounts and separate email addresses.

For the most part, I have kept my feelings to myself, but I am worried that my needs are no longer important to him. Do you think I have a reason to be concerned? -- WORRIED WIFE IN WICHITA

DEAR WIFE: Yes, I do. Any drastic change in a spouse's behavior is cause for concern, and his sudden desire to separate his internet activity from yours is another red flag.

Stop keeping your feelings to yourself and speak up. He may be doing something on Sunday mornings besides going to church with his brother.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Dad Who's Done His Time Tries to Reconnect With Daughter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 7th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was convicted of a crime and did three years on a six-year sentence. My daughter was 2 when I was incarcerated. I was released last year and am currently on parole.

I tried contacting my ex-wife about seeing our daughter and being a part of her life, but I only made things worse. Now she's trying to hide my girl from me. I'm trying my best, but she refuses to put me on child support. What do I do? -- TROUBLED FATHER

DEAR TROUBLED: You may have to take your ex-wife to court. If you're able to afford it, seek advice from an attorney about your options.

Family & Parenting
life

Dad of Twins Fears Wife Is Suffering From Depression

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My wife gave birth to our twin girls almost a year ago, and for the most part, things have been great. They are happy and healthy, but I'm not sure how happy my wife is. I'm afraid she may be suffering from postpartum depression, but she won't see anyone about it.

She's always putting the girls first and is stressed out because there's never enough time in the day to do everything. From day one, I have made sure that I'm doing my part. I help cook and clean and change poopy diapers. I feel I'm very hands-on, and she agrees. I know twins can be stressful, but I'm pretty relaxed about the process and go with the flow.

I have begged her to talk to someone, but she thinks if she does she will have to take antidepressants and won't be able to breastfeed. It's starting to affect our marriage because she takes out her frustration on me. I get yelled at for stuff that doesn't make sense or hasn't really happened.

Would it be wrong to tell her we are going to lunch and take her to see someone instead -- like a mental health intervention? Or should I let her figure this out on her own? -- BABY BLUES IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BABY BLUES: To shanghai your wife into a mental health intervention would be a mistake. Be honest with your wife. Tell her you are deeply concerned, and that her stress level is affecting your marriage. Then tell her you will be making an appointment for her with her OB-GYN and accompanying her. The doctor can tell her what the alternatives are for treatment, if she needs it. Her fears may be groundless, and medication may not be necessary, but it is important that her doctor evaluate her.

Marriage & DivorceMental Health
life

Man Drags Whole Family Into Every Disagreement With Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 6th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 10 years. Things are great, except for one major issue. Every time we get into a spat, he feels the need to air all of our dirty laundry to his family, which is now my family.

I am a private person. I don't like having other people in the middle of our drama. He tells his relatives his side of the story, and because they don't hear my side, they automatically assume he is some sort of victim. I then start receiving phone calls and text messages from everyone wanting to know what's going on and trying to give me advice. When I politely turn them down, they get angry and start lecturing me about how wrong I am.

This happens often, no matter how small the argument. What do I do? How can I get him to see how much it bothers me? I don't want the world to know what goes on in our home. Nothing I say gets through to him. -- BETRAYED AND ALONE

DEAR BETRAYED: Your husband knows how much what he's doing bothers you. He just doesn't care. He knows that when he runs to his family he will have automatic allies.

It will take work on both your parts with the help of an unbiased licensed marriage and family therapist for your marriage to improve. If your husband won't go with you -- and he may not -- you should go without him. Because of his level of immaturity, it's a wonder your marriage has made it this long without intervention.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Family Splinters in Response to Transgender In-Law

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Joan," and her husband, "Frank," have been married 19 years. Their only child will be 4 next month. A year and a half ago, Frank came out as a transgender female. Joan is handling this exceptionally well. Our son, "Alex," is not.

Our family will never have the traditional holidays again because Alex doesn't want his daughters, ages 13 and 10, around Frank. We are heartbroken, worried for our children and confused about how to handle this new family dynamic. Joan plans on remaining in her marriage. Frank is legally changing his name to "Anissa," taking hormones and excited to live her "real life."

In the meantime, we feel like outsiders looking in. These individuals, all in their 40s, are able to do what they want with their lives -- yet they're our children. We have enjoyed so many years of what we thought was a normal life. The thought of never having our family all together in our home again is upsetting. I suppose this scenario happens often, but how do you suggest we cope? -- OUT OF SORTS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR OUT OF SORTS: Cope by taking it day by day and making adjustments as necessary. You are not on the outside looking in. You are full-fledged participants in this scenario.

Your new daughter-in-law is the same person she has always been. She's not a danger to anyone's daughters. If your son can't accept that, there is nothing you can do about it. Let him know he is always welcome -- as is Anissa -- at family celebrations. If he can't bring himself to attend, see him and the girls separately.

If I have learned one thing in my lifetime, it is to take each day as it comes and make the most of it. Do not look back, pining for days gone by, and do not obsess about things you can't control. Think positive and you will get through this.

Family & ParentingSex & GenderHolidays & Celebrations
life

Couple Balks at Accepting Payment for Helping a Neighbor in Need

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 5th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Our neighbor has been hospitalized for six months because of a serious accident that left him paralyzed. His wife has been staying in the city near the hospital so she can be with him. My husband and I have been keeping an eye on their house and, at their request, moving their truck in the driveway so it appears someone is home.

The husband returned home a few weeks ago. We received a thank-you card from his wife. Inside was $50 in gift cards. We appreciate the thought behind the gift, but would like to return the gift cards. We helped them out with no expectation of anything in return. How do we go about returning them without offending our neighbors? -- GOOD DEED NEIGHBORS

DEAR NEIGHBORS: I don't think you should return them. To not accept them in the spirit in which they were given would be doing the couple a disservice. Sometimes the burden of gratitude weighs heavy. This is your neighbors' way of showing you how much your efforts meant to them, so accept the gesture graciously.

Friends & NeighborsMoney

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