DEAR ABBY: I have been married for three years to a woman who is very beautiful inside and out. (We have been together for six years.) Recently, I found out she is addicted to pain meds -- and two months ago she confided that she had gotten hooked on heroin.

I set up an intervention to get her into rehab. But when the time came to go, she kept putting it off. She said she wanted to get high "one more time," so I told her OK, as long as she did it at home, so I'd know she was safe. After she injected herself, she went limp, so I called 911 and got her into the hospital.

It is now two months later, and she is back. I love her dearly, but I no longer desire to be intimate with her. How do I tell her I will always stand by her, but no longer want to be intimate? She's younger and still has a strong sex drive. -- LOST THAT PART IN THE EAST

DEAR LOST: The news should be conveyed in the office of a licensed marriage and family therapist. While your sexual problem may result from the shock of seeing your wife nearly die in front of you, there may be more to it. You say she is "younger and still has a strong sex drive." This suggests that you are older and your lack of desire might to some extent be age- or hormone-related.

The two of you have a lot of talking to do about your feelings and your future. It would be better if it's done with the help of a trained moderator.

Also, if your wife was sharing needles, you both need to be tested for any diseases she may have contracted.

DEAR ABBY: My parents and my wife's parents both live 20 minutes from us. Both sets of parents purposely moved to be close to us. The problem is both sets of parents tell people the few times we are together how often they see their grandkids -- which is simply not true.

Mom talks as if she sees them multiple times a week, although she generally sees them less than once a month. She does watch my niece three days a week, but to hear her tell it, all her grandkids fall into that category. My wife's parents see me, my wife and our two kids about twice a month, but also tell others it's "all the time." Then, when we do meet, they ignore the kids!

I am bothered about it for two reasons: They are taking undue credit for "helping us out," and second, I'm sick of having heard for the last 12 years how "lucky" my kids are to have such wonderful grandparents. It caused us to miss out on help from extended family because they thought my wife and I were already receiving so much.

Is there a nice way to say to my parents/in-laws that the story they are selling is fiction? We do love them. All we would like is for them to help out the way they claim to. -- SICK OF THE FICTION

DEAR SICK OF THE FICTION: I find it strange that both sets of in-laws would relocate to be close, and then not follow through on trying to BE close. I also don't know why your parents would loudly take credit for the things they haven't been doing. If you want to end the fiction, tell the extended family the truth and explain that you really do need their help and why. You should have done it years ago.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years and have two wonderful kids, ages 14 and 12. Ten months ago, my husband said to me, "I told you I would divorce you if you ever got fat." I was shocked! Yes, I have gained some weight over the years, but at 5 feet 5 inches tall and 150 pounds, I was not exactly obese.

I was frightened by what he said, so I took off 25 pounds. He didn't appear to notice, so I asked him, "Now what do you think?" He said, "You have no muscle tone"!

Abby, nothing I do is good enough. I work part-time and take care of our kids and the house. I go out of my way to cook and bake interesting things for them. Any appreciation? His praise is, "Not bad."

Abby, what should I do? -- BIGGEST LOSER IN NEW YORK

DEAR "LOSER": Before I answer your question, I should point out that the way some abusers maintain control is by withholding approval, love, money, etc.

According to the National Institutes of Health, a woman who is 5 feet 5 inches tall should weigh between 114 and 144 pounds to be considered a normal weight. For your husband to threaten you with divorce if you didn't lose weight was brutal. Nothing you do is good enough because keeping you insecure and always trying to gain his approval is how he maintains the upper hand in your marriage. Losing weight is not easy. You should have been praised for your success.

Since you asked what to do, I'll tell you: Take him at his word. Your husband may have said your muscle tone is flabby, but from where I sit, what's sagging is your self-esteem. Go to the gym. Get into a training program. Improve that muscle tone, and along with it your image of yourself. Then, once you have achieved your goal and feel better about yourself, decide whether you want to remain married to a man who has such poor "muscle tone" between the ears.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 63-year-old widow. I have not been with a man since my husband died 10 years ago. I am now dating a 31- year-old man. I am deeply in love with him. He says he's in love with me, too, but his family says he doesn't know what love is. He was previously in a four-year relationship with someone his own age.

Am I crazy for dating a man who is 31? He's everything I have always wanted, and what I would consider the perfect man for me. He claims his only problem with dating me is that I will probably pass away in 20 years, and he will be alone and devastated. My concern is I feel I am preventing him from future children and a possible wife his own age. He says he doesn't want kids, but I'm not so sure. Please tell me what to do. I have never been in this situation before. -- HELP, PLEASE, IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HELP, PLEASE: As relationships evolve, couples learn more about each other. You didn't mention how long you and this man have been involved with each other, but if it has been less than a year, you would be wise to slow things down. It would be in your interest to know why his family thinks he doesn't know what love is. The answer to that question could be enlightening.

As to your not being certain that he doesn't want to be a father, in spite of the fact that he says he doesn't, not everyone wants children. If you aren't sure that everything he's telling you is the truth, I suggest you wait a few more innings before swinging for a home run.

DEAR ABBY: I'm at a loss as to how to stay in my 21-year marriage. In August, when our twin daughters leave for college, my wife and I will become empty nesters. We haven't had sex in more than 2 1/2 years, and before that it didn't happen more than a couple of times a year.

My wife says she "doesn't feel a connection with me anymore" (or perhaps never really did). We have seen a counselor a couple of times over the last 12 years, but the most he has to offer now is that I will have to decide whether or not to accept this as my new normal. We don't fight, but we live like roommates, although we continue to share a bed.

We are on opposite sides of the political spectrum, and I suspect that may have something to do with her sense of disconnect. The little affection progress we were making died the night of the presidential election. She seems content to continue like this. I hate the notion of divorce, both for what it would mean spiritually and for what it would do to our families and friends. Can you help? -- IS THIS MY NEW NORMAL?

DEAR "IS": Couples on opposite sides of the political spectrum can still have successful marriages if they respect their mates and can discuss their differences intelligently and calmly. However, you state that your sex life has been the way it is for 21 years -- which makes me wonder whether the chemistry was strong to begin with.

I do think you and your wife are overdue for a series of honest conversations, and the first should start with whether the difference in your political beliefs has affected the way she feels about you.

The next should start with asking her whether she was ever satisfied in the bedroom with you. If you can get her to talk about it, you may be able to find out where the two of you went off track and fix it. However, if you can't, then your counselor was correct.

DEAR ABBY: I've been single for more than a year and playing the field, having casual relationships, but never anything I was too invested in. That changed recently when I met someone I'll call "Eve." We have hit it off spectacularly and are very much into each other.

The only issue is she has a kid. I'm only 23, and I'm not in a position to be any kind of father figure. That being said, I would still love to be with Eve and occasionally help out with her little one, but I don't know how to open up and tell her directly that I'm not prepared for the pressures of being a "dad" to a newborn. How do I express this to her? -- NO WHITE KNIGHT IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR NO WHITE KNIGHT: "Daddyhood" isn't a skill that every man is born with. Some men are naturals at it; others learn gradually through experience. Tell Eve that you care about her, but that at 23 you are not in a position to be a dad to her baby. In time, things may change -- gradually -- but not right now. It may or may not cause the end of the relationship. Her first responsibility must be to her child, and a romance right out of the delivery room is too soon, "white knight" or no white knight.