DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years and have two wonderful kids, ages 14 and 12. Ten months ago, my husband said to me, "I told you I would divorce you if you ever got fat." I was shocked! Yes, I have gained some weight over the years, but at 5 feet 5 inches tall and 150 pounds, I was not exactly obese.

I was frightened by what he said, so I took off 25 pounds. He didn't appear to notice, so I asked him, "Now what do you think?" He said, "You have no muscle tone"!

Abby, nothing I do is good enough. I work part-time and take care of our kids and the house. I go out of my way to cook and bake interesting things for them. Any appreciation? His praise is, "Not bad."

Abby, what should I do? -- BIGGEST LOSER IN NEW YORK

DEAR "LOSER": Before I answer your question, I should point out that the way some abusers maintain control is by withholding approval, love, money, etc.

According to the National Institutes of Health, a woman who is 5 feet 5 inches tall should weigh between 114 and 144 pounds to be considered a normal weight. For your husband to threaten you with divorce if you didn't lose weight was brutal. Nothing you do is good enough because keeping you insecure and always trying to gain his approval is how he maintains the upper hand in your marriage. Losing weight is not easy. You should have been praised for your success.

Since you asked what to do, I'll tell you: Take him at his word. Your husband may have said your muscle tone is flabby, but from where I sit, what's sagging is your self-esteem. Go to the gym. Get into a training program. Improve that muscle tone, and along with it your image of yourself. Then, once you have achieved your goal and feel better about yourself, decide whether you want to remain married to a man who has such poor "muscle tone" between the ears.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 63-year-old widow. I have not been with a man since my husband died 10 years ago. I am now dating a 31- year-old man. I am deeply in love with him. He says he's in love with me, too, but his family says he doesn't know what love is. He was previously in a four-year relationship with someone his own age.

Am I crazy for dating a man who is 31? He's everything I have always wanted, and what I would consider the perfect man for me. He claims his only problem with dating me is that I will probably pass away in 20 years, and he will be alone and devastated. My concern is I feel I am preventing him from future children and a possible wife his own age. He says he doesn't want kids, but I'm not so sure. Please tell me what to do. I have never been in this situation before. -- HELP, PLEASE, IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HELP, PLEASE: As relationships evolve, couples learn more about each other. You didn't mention how long you and this man have been involved with each other, but if it has been less than a year, you would be wise to slow things down. It would be in your interest to know why his family thinks he doesn't know what love is. The answer to that question could be enlightening.

As to your not being certain that he doesn't want to be a father, in spite of the fact that he says he doesn't, not everyone wants children. If you aren't sure that everything he's telling you is the truth, I suggest you wait a few more innings before swinging for a home run.

DEAR ABBY: I'm at a loss as to how to stay in my 21-year marriage. In August, when our twin daughters leave for college, my wife and I will become empty nesters. We haven't had sex in more than 2 1/2 years, and before that it didn't happen more than a couple of times a year.

My wife says she "doesn't feel a connection with me anymore" (or perhaps never really did). We have seen a counselor a couple of times over the last 12 years, but the most he has to offer now is that I will have to decide whether or not to accept this as my new normal. We don't fight, but we live like roommates, although we continue to share a bed.

We are on opposite sides of the political spectrum, and I suspect that may have something to do with her sense of disconnect. The little affection progress we were making died the night of the presidential election. She seems content to continue like this. I hate the notion of divorce, both for what it would mean spiritually and for what it would do to our families and friends. Can you help? -- IS THIS MY NEW NORMAL?

DEAR "IS": Couples on opposite sides of the political spectrum can still have successful marriages if they respect their mates and can discuss their differences intelligently and calmly. However, you state that your sex life has been the way it is for 21 years -- which makes me wonder whether the chemistry was strong to begin with.

I do think you and your wife are overdue for a series of honest conversations, and the first should start with whether the difference in your political beliefs has affected the way she feels about you.

The next should start with asking her whether she was ever satisfied in the bedroom with you. If you can get her to talk about it, you may be able to find out where the two of you went off track and fix it. However, if you can't, then your counselor was correct.

DEAR ABBY: I've been single for more than a year and playing the field, having casual relationships, but never anything I was too invested in. That changed recently when I met someone I'll call "Eve." We have hit it off spectacularly and are very much into each other.

The only issue is she has a kid. I'm only 23, and I'm not in a position to be any kind of father figure. That being said, I would still love to be with Eve and occasionally help out with her little one, but I don't know how to open up and tell her directly that I'm not prepared for the pressures of being a "dad" to a newborn. How do I express this to her? -- NO WHITE KNIGHT IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR NO WHITE KNIGHT: "Daddyhood" isn't a skill that every man is born with. Some men are naturals at it; others learn gradually through experience. Tell Eve that you care about her, but that at 23 you are not in a position to be a dad to her baby. In time, things may change -- gradually -- but not right now. It may or may not cause the end of the relationship. Her first responsibility must be to her child, and a romance right out of the delivery room is too soon, "white knight" or no white knight.

DEAR ABBY: Seventeen years ago, I had a (minor) tryst with my wife's sister. Months later, it came to light during an unfortunate phone conversation. Since then, my wife and I have gone through years of counseling.

Our family has recovered and all is well -- except with my wife's brother-in-law (the husband). He considers me "persona non grata," and I have been excluded from all family functions, at least those he is involved in.

I took my counselor's advice and sent him a written apology, delivered by my wife. My parents-in-law have forgiven me (as well as their daughter) for the errant behavior, but still a massive wedge remains in our family. My father-in-law is ailing now and is desperate for reconciliation. I've done what I can (I think). What now? What more? -- PERSONA NON GRATA IN ILLINOIS

DEAR P.N.G.: You have already apologized. You can't force your brother-in-law to accept it. Because your father-in-law is desperate for reconciliation, he is the one who should appeal to your brother-in-law to heal the breach.

DEAR ABBY: In a world so vast and beautiful, do you think one person could somehow see it all? I've often dreamed of doing so, but most of the time I sit in front of a computer doing schoolwork. So many days I have wanted to drop out and be a hippie or something, but in these times, there are so many requirements to get to where we want to be and have what we've always wanted or needed.

You know what, Abby? I've got a better question for you. Can you invent a time machine so I can go back to the '50s? Forever wondering ... -- GABRIELLA IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR GABRIELLA: I wish I could provide one, but if I did, I have a hunch it would become very crowded. Your yearning for the '50s may be happening because life in the 21st century has become stressful. It isn't just you -- for many people, the cycle of life seems to spin increasingly faster.

There's nothing wrong with dreaming about visiting faraway places. Once your studies are completed, you may be in a position to do that. In the meantime, make an effort to block out time to go to a gym, do yoga, meditate. If that's not possible, break up your routine with some other form of exercise. I can tell you from experience, it works.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a 15-year-old daughter who has a boyfriend her age. Her boyfriend visits our daughter in her bedroom, where they lock themselves in for hours. I object to them being alone in a bedroom, but my wife says she "knows" her daughter and that there's nothing to worry about. Who is right? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: YOU are! Your wife is dreaming! Tell your daughter that from now on, her door will remain open when anyone of the opposite sex is in there with her, or the lock will be removed. (Even better -- restrict their visits to the living room.) Do it now. Time may be of the essence.

TO MY READERS: A very merry Christmas to you all!