DEAR ABBY: My husband is a nice guy, but he's not particularly good at planning ahead. This means that special events, holidays and birthdays often go unmarked because he doesn't remember in time to get something sent.

In my parents' marriage, all family communications fell to my mom. It was her job to send the Christmas cards, birthday gifts for nieces and nephews and to remember her mother and her mother-in-law on Mother's Day. Our marriage is more egalitarian, and I don't want the job of communicator-in-chief.

My husband knows this and agrees that he should share some responsibility, but doesn't act on it, even after being reminded. I feel guilty when an important milestone in one of his parents' lives goes by and they receive no acknowledgement from our household. The source of my guilt is surely the nagging feeling that it's my job as the wife to make these connections and that I am judged when the things are not sent.

How do I let go of the guilt, or at least let my in-laws know I love them and their son is the one who is letting them down? I want absolution. -- NO CALENDAR GIRL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO CALENDAR GIRL: Not everyone excels at every task. That's why there is division of labor in partnerships, including marriage. If you think you will look better after explaining to your in-laws that the reason they haven't heard from the two of you is their son didn't remember, you are dreaming. Because you are better at planning ahead, deal with the chore. I'm sure he does things for you that are a pain in the neck (and even below). In this day of automation, sending "something" to relatives is practically a no-brainer. And it certainly beats feeling guilty because your husband isn't up to it.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are in their late 60s and suffer from multiple lifestyle-related illnesses. Although they had every opportunity to make healthy changes, they chose not to. I live on the other side of the country, and I am busy with my career and family.

I love my parents and accept our relationship for what it is. However, I do not feel obligated to disrupt my life and upset my children to be with them as they die slow, painful deaths. If their illnesses were not directly related to their own poor choices, I might feel and behave differently toward them. Knowing it won't change their behavior, should I tell them why I won't be with them for what appears will be prolonged and terrible deaths? -- SADDENED BY THEIR CHOICES

DEAR SADDENED: If your parents are as sick as you have indicated, they already feel terrible. I see nothing to be gained by adding emotional pain to their physical pain. Put aside your anger and find enough compassion to not say it unless asked directly.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together 21 years, married for 17. We recently did a short sale on our home and moved to Texas. It was a professional move for my husband.

At first I was wowed; then I grew homesick for my family, my job and my friends. My husband was not supportive of my emotional needs.

Three years later, my husband has announced his engagement to another woman via the internet. He has been seeing her all this time, while financially supporting my household and saying, "Goodbye, I love you," at the end of our phone calls and texts.

Needless to say, I have filed for divorce. His "cupcake" doesn't know he's still married and has large debts from our relationship as well as this new one, so she's in for a big financial surprise.

In the meantime, we'll communicate amicably. I still love him. I want to expose him to her. I don't think she'd be making wedding plans if she knew he was still married. Should I let them figure it out for themselves or maybe spend my lifetime with regrets? -- HEAVY HEART, NO REGRETS

DEAR HEAVY HEART: If you want to do the cupcake a "favor" and expose your almost-ex, I can't stop you. But if you do, you can bet your divorce will be anything but amicable, and I have serious doubts that you'll achieve your goal.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is always grabbing me in a sexual way. I find it demeaning and annoying. When I ask him to stop, he says it's normal and I should be glad he's still interested in me. He says it's my job to "take care of my man," even if it means being awakened in the middle of the night. Is this normal? -- MANHANDLED IN GEORGIA

DEAR MANHANDLED: When a man approaches a woman in a sexual way, it is supposed to be pleasurable for both parties. If one of them asks the other to stop and the person doesn't, it becomes more of an assault than foreplay. It is not your "job" to have sex with your husband when he wakes you up in the middle of the night demanding it. That borders on coercion, and it is not "normal."

DEAR ABBY: My younger brother smokes, but not cigarettes. Recently, he has been taking a pipe to school. I'm the one who drives him to the bus stop every morning, and I've told him to leave it at home, but he refuses to listen to me. I'm worried he's going to get caught by the campus police, get kicked out of our very nice school and develop a criminal record. I can't tell our parents because that will do more harm than good, and I can't make him listen to me. What do I do? -- SMOKING MAD OLDER SISTER

DEAR SISTER: Ask yourself which will do your brother more good -- telling your parents what he has been up to so they can intervene, or remaining silent and letting him get kicked out of school for being stoned in class? Tell your parents!

DEAR ABBY: Last year I had a baby with one of my college professors. He left me 10 days before our daughter was born and has never met her. I chased him through family court, and he gives me the bare minimum in state-ordered support.

Recently, I spotted him advertising himself on a dating website as a loving man and describing how he loves his first daughter with no mention of ours (he has two other children, a girl and a boy). How do I move past this? A part of me is angry for her, but I'm also angry for myself. I'm in therapy, but seeing him on a dating website describing himself as a good person, when in truth he's a sociopath, has reopened wounds I thought had closed months ago. -- OPEN WOUNDS

DEAR OPEN WOUNDS: Thank you for writing to me, but this is a question you should be addressing with your psychotherapist. Sometimes it takes multiple doses of "medicine" to cure an ailment, but the longer you allow this man to occupy real estate in your head, the harder it will be for you to get on with your life. Call your therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I love my fiance with all my heart. We have good friends and family. The problem is, my fiance loves to talk. He talks a lot.

I've known this since I met him, but because I don't talk much, it doesn't bother me. I like listening to his stories. However, I can see our friends getting annoyed because of his constant talking. It also happens when we are around his family -- and they usually end up treating him badly for it.

Is there any way I can gently talk to him about this so he's aware that he is irritating people? I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want him to annoy people. I'm also afraid it may affect his employment. His co-workers get that same look on their faces when he's talking that his family members do when they are annoyed with him. -- ENGAGED TO A BIG TALKER

DEAR ENGAGED: Your fiance may have difficulty picking up on social cues, which is why he doesn't notice that others become annoyed as he drones on and on. You should absolutely point out to him what you have noticed, and tell him you are concerned that it may affect his employment. Then suggest he discuss his compulsive talking with a licensed mental health professional. This is not to imply there is anything "wrong" with him, but rather that he may benefit from professional help in recognizing the social cues he is missing.

A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight is the night when wee witches and goblins will be out trick-or-treating. Please supervise them so they'll be safe. Happy Halloween, everyone! -- Love, ABBY