DEAR ABBY: My son and I are very close. He joined the Marine Corps (a decision I fully support) and shipped out recently.

I had read on a Marine family site that frequent letters from home are encouraged, so I had letters written even before I got his mailing address. I sent off three letters the day I got his address and another one three days later.

They always start off with a supportive declaration ("I'm proud of you. You can do this.") before moving on to what I hope are amusing anecdotes about what's going on at home. I avoid topics that would make him homesick. I sign the letter with the initials of my son's nickname for me.

Last night, another family member told me I'm writing too often (that person has written one letter so far, and plans to wait at least a week before sending another). That family member said that the drill instructors and other recruits will notice and label my son a "mama's boy."

This has caused me significant distress. Please tell me which is right: the website that recommends frequent letters, or my family member who advocates cutting back drastically? -- MOM OF A MARINE

DEAR MOM: Unless the family member is speaking from firsthand experience, trust the military family website. However, because you are concerned, ask your son how he feels about the fact that you write so often, and ask him to be honest.

DEAR ABBY: In view of all the recent tragic events that have happened, you would do a great service to remind everyone to be careful when donating. A lot of the money that was donated for 9/11 and other tragedies never got to the victims.

Unfortunately, when tragedies occur, scammers view them as an opportunity to line their pockets. I'm not sure how to make sure the money gets to the right people, so I haven't donated at all. Can you help with some information on this? -- DIANA IN TEXAS

DEAR DIANA: Some appeals are, indeed, scams. That's why it's important for kindhearted people to be able to tell the difference. A way to verify that a charity is legit would be to visit charitynavigator.org. It will tell you what percentage of the money you donate will go toward overhead, and how much actually reaches those who need it.

Charity Navigator also publishes "donor advisories" -- typically within a week of the event -- to ensure that those searching the site for an organization can see if it isn't a legitimate nonprofit entity.

DEAR ABBY: I have a super-sensitive adult child who calls me regularly to criticize another sibling. Mothers do not like to hear their children being criticized by anyone -- including their siblings. It's hurtful, no matter who does it.

I'm an old lady, and I don't need this stress. I love all my children. They all are successful people with friends who seem to admire them. I suspect there may be some jealousy involved in these complaints. Suggesting counseling would make me the "bad guy."

I need a miracle and a prayer because I have gone to my knees over this. Any advice for me, Abby? -- STILL THEIR MOM

DEAR STILL: I sure do. Your mistake has been allowing yourself to be a dumping ground for your disgruntled adult child. The next time it happens, tell him or her you no longer want to hear those criticisms because they are so painful that they drive you to your knees.

If your "child" doesn't stop the critical comments, be the bad guy and suggest either counseling or that the complainer address those comments directly to the target. And when you do, point out that we can't change other people, but we can change the way we react to them.

DEAR ABBY: Halloween is approaching. Years ago, when my sons were in preschool, their teacher told parents about the "Candy Witch." She said most kids -- especially little ones -- like wearing costumes and going trick-or-treating. However, getting the candy is not as important.

She suggested parents have their kids pick out 10 pieces of candy and leave the rest out for the Candy Witch. In return, the next morning they would find a little toy (or a new book or school supply) left for them. It would be up to the parents to decide what to do with the leftover candy.

We did this for many years, and there was never an argument over how much candy our kids would eat. I hope you agree this is a helpful suggestion. -- LOVES THE CANDY WITCH IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR LOVES: Not only do I agree, but I'm also sure any parent whose child has overdosed on sugar will too. Thanks for sharing it.

DEAR ABBY: Please let your readers know that it's not OK to floss their teeth after eating at their office desk, or in front of others while making conversation. It's disgusting! Their keyboards are covered with the debris. I'm sure you will agree with me. -- GROSSED OUT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR GROSSED OUT: You bet I do. Oral hygiene should be taken care of in the restroom, not while standing in front of other people and conversing. And the sink should be rinsed and wiped out afterward. To floss while talking to someone could result in particles of food hitting the other person.

One would think common sense would discourage individuals from flossing at their computers, but if common sense is in short supply, perhaps your supervisor or your employer could "remind" the offenders that the equipment belongs to the company and needs to be treated with respect.

DEAR ABBY: Please help with some advice regarding my children. My almost-ex-wife filed for divorce while asking me to "work on myself." She refused counseling despite our 17 years of marriage and two children, ages 12 and 10. While I was out of our family home -- at her request -- she was dating a married (unemployed) man who has a child of his own. Our daughter eventually told me what was going on, which was very hard for her.

My wife then moved into a rental house. She and the boyfriend are still legally married because the divorces aren't final. Now she's imposing him on our children at the rental house. She also brings him to their sporting events even though it makes the children and other team parents uncomfortable. Is it appropriate that she expose our kids to her dating situation? -- STAY CLASSY IN THE WEST

DEAR STAY CLASSY: Nothing you or I can say to your almost-ex is going to change what she's doing. And no, what has been going on with her and her lover is not "appropriate."

Please continue to be as supportive of your children as you can be. You should also talk to your lawyer about their custody, because your wife is going to have her hands full supporting this new man in her life, which may mean she has less time to spend with them.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an 11-year-old girl. I just started middle school (sixth grade). The girls in my class have been together since pre-K.

Although I'm new to the school, I knew two of the girls from before. They are very nice and have accepted me. The problem is that they are the "leaders" of two separate groups. During my lunch/recess they each want me to sit with them. How do I do this without hurting any feelings? -- NEW KID AT SCHOOL

DEAR NEW KID: As you said, you are new to the school. For the time being, alternate sitting with each group. Be friendly to everyone, regardless of which group they belong to. And while you're at it, do the same with classmates who aren't members of either group. In time, you will figure out where you are more comfortable.

DEAR ABBY: I have a set of china I inherited from my mother. I don't have children, and my niece and nephew (brother's side) are estranged from the family. My brother has been raising his now 14-year-old granddaughter from infancy. Have you any ideas on what to do with the dishes? -- UNSURE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNSURE: Yes, I do. In the past I have received letters from frustrated readers telling me they offered treasured family items -- china, crystal, antique furniture -- to young relatives, only to have them refused because "they weren't their style." Because the china has sentimental value for you, why don't you start using it? However, if it isn't your style either, consider selling or donating it.