DEAR ABBY: I dearly love my husband. We've been married 33 years. We have raised three productive citizens, have five beautiful grandchildren and live in the heartland of America.

Like most couples, we've had our ups and downs. My problem is my husband is a slob. He always has been, but it's getting worse.

He works. I stayed home and raised our kids and made the house a home. He brings home the bacon, does the yard work, takes out the trash and fixes things (on his own terms). I pay the bills, clean the house, cook dinner, and do anything else that needs doing (schedule doctor's appointments, etc.).

He thinks that because he doesn't beat me, we have a good marriage. I have a serious issue with his messiness. I am just about ready to chuck him to the door.

I've tried talking to him about it, but we always end up arguing. He says I treat him like a child (well ... truth be told, he's acting like one). I have explained to him why I need him to pick up after himself, but he takes it as a personal affront and storms off. I'm at my wits' end. What can I do to fix this? -- TIDY SPOUSE IN OHIO

DEAR TIDY: To be honest, I'm not sure that at this point you can "fix this." You and your husband have had an unwritten contract for 33 years, in which his job was to bring home the bacon, do yard work, take out the trash and fix things when he gets around to it. Yours was to perform the duties of a traditional housewife by doing all the things you described.

Your husband's sloppiness may be the legacy of a mother who never taught him to keep his room clean, and your own failure to put your foot down during the first years of your marriage. Of course, you could always stop picking up after him. But if you do, I'm afraid the mess will reach proportions you -- not he -- will be unable to tolerate.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old woman who has just learned that my first boyfriend, "John," was killed in a freak shooting accident shortly after he graduated from our high school more than 30 years ago. He was 18 and I was 16 when we dated. After graduation he moved away to attend college. John was killed when his friend dropped a rifle that discharged.

I have just learned that John's parents are alive and still live in the same home. Should I send some kind of sympathy card to them now? I truly cared for John and thought he had lost interest in me when I didn't hear from him any longer.

My mother says I shouldn't remind his parents of his death, but I think they'd like to know how fondly I remember him. What should I do? -- NEVER KNEW IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEVER KNEW: Write John's parents a short note telling them exactly what you told me. Do not worry about reminding them about their son's death. They are aware of it every single day, and I am sure that knowing you took the time to write will touch their hearts.

DEAR ABBY: I am a bridesmaid for my brother's upcoming wedding. However, his fiancee is throwing out some crazy mandates for the big day.

1. All family members must wear contact lenses. Glasses will not be allowed because they look ugly in pictures. (Both her mom and my parents wear glasses.)

2. She made my father get dental work to "improve his smile."

3. I recently tore my ACL, and she says I can't bring crutches to the ceremony because she doesn't want them in the pictures.

How much more of this should our family put up with? I love her as my niece's mother, but not as my future sister-in-law. Would it be better to tell them I won't be a bridesmaid? I am afraid to speak up because I want a relationship with my niece. -- AFRAID OF BRIDEZILLA

DEAR AFRAID: Your brother's fiancee appears to have gone off the deep end. Weddings are supposed to be about love, commitment and the joining together of two families, not the photo album.

While I sympathize with her desire for a "perfect" wedding, the idea that your parents and her mother must invest in contact lenses or miss seeing the ceremony and reception because glasses aren't "allowed" is ludicrous. And the suggestion that you leave your crutches and risk further damaging your ACL is off the charts.

Talk to your brother. Perhaps he can make his ladylove see the light. If not, I wouldn't blame you -- and your parents and her mother, by the way -- if you decided to skip the "show."

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jason," and I have a 19-year-old daughter, "Laurie," who finished her freshman year of college with a 4.0 GPA. She has always been a great student and is interested in theater, music and dance. She has never given us any trouble.

My husband is very conservative and opinionated about politics. Our daughter has become much more politically liberal over the last couple of years. Jason thinks it is disrespectful of her to not want to listen to him try to influence her to think like he does (he has tried before). I have told Jason she needs to work out her own political beliefs and, as she matures and sees how the business world works, she'll probably become more moderate.

Jason is now insisting that we set a time when "the three of us can talk," which means he will lecture her about where she is wrong. What can I do as a mother and wife to mediate this meeting? I think both of them are pretty dug in. -- LOVE THEM BOTH IN ARKANSAS

DEAR LOVE: I see no way that what your husband has in mind will be either pleasant or productive. However, because he is her father, Laurie owes him the respect of hearing him out. When the conversation becomes heated -- as it very well may -- suggest a timeout until they both cool down. Or leave the room if it becomes too stressful for you.

DEAR ABBY: Suggesting that an older couple ("Upset in Washington," June 13) move to a community for people over age 55 because they're bothered by the neighbors' children playing outside early in the morning is just one more example of how we have ended up living in a world of intolerance and division.

I'm the mother of a lively 6-year-old boy, and I would suggest that what really needs to happen is a kind and thoughtful discussion about how the kids can be taught to respect their neighbors and play more quietly in the mornings. There's no reason why a compromise can't be reached.

Communities for older adults are, in my opinion, beneficial when they provide long-term care and are integrated into the larger community and society. Places that amount to self-contained towns populated only by people over 55 are the product of a society unwilling to be compassionate about different needs and priorities, and unaware of the benefits of shared intergenerational wisdom and enthusiasms. -- MASSACHUSETTS MOMMY

DEAR MOMMY: Like you, many readers were against the idea of the couple being forced to move because of the noise. They offered suggestions for coping, as well as opinions about the parenting of the neighbor children. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When people move into a neighborhood, they need to try to fit in rather than demand the neighbors accommodate them. That young mom and her kids are the newbies. The older couple has lived there a long, long time.

I say yes to getting soundproof windows. And perhaps "Upset's" husband should have a talk with his doctor about his health-related sleep problems. However, ultimately, the parents must take responsibility for their young kids instead of shoving them outside for the neighbors and unlucky drivers to deal with. Let the kids play inside at 8 a.m.

P.S. Sometimes, being nice to the neighbor kids and getting to know them one-on-one can make a challenging situation better. It did for me. -- ALSO IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: In my neighborhood, the landscapers arrive at 7 a.m. to mow, blow and edge. The racket wakes everyone. The answer for us was the white noise machine our daughter got us. During a nap I use it because garbage trucks and delivery vans make more noise than kids playing or the school bus. -- ANN FROM SUN CITY

DEAR ABBY: I called the police because of screaming children. After they came, I never heard the screaming again. Years earlier in another neighborhood, cops came to make kids stop the noise. I'll repeat what the officer told me: "Everyone is entitled to peace." -- MICHIGAN READER

DEAR ABBY: There may be a local ordinance that there must be no noise before 9 a.m. "Upset" should check into this. -- CLAIRE IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: Indulgent parents who fail to teach their children respect for others breed young adults who feel they're never wrong about anything. You should have suggested the children be confined to their backyard to burn off their energy.

I'm relatively certain other neighbors have been disturbed but are afraid to say anything. The retirees should ask around. Maybe if others share their annoyance, they can approach the mom as a group. -- DIFFERENT OPINION IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: Children have a right to play outside before school, but playing unsupervised in the street is a tragedy waiting to happen. Also, why should people who have lived in their home for 31 years have to move? It doesn't appear they had problems with other neighbors until that young family moved in. That mother should comprehend that this is not just about noise, but also about her children's safety. -- CAREFUL IN CONNECTICUT