life

Husband Gives Up Smoking, but His Drinking Persists

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am married to a great guy. We've been together 27 years, so I know him well. He recently stopped smoking after 30 years of nicotine addiction. He did it cold turkey, and he's been smoke-free for three months now. I'm proud of him and tell him so.

The problem is, when he drinks he gets drunk -- which I'm used to -- but then he starts saying (sometimes belligerently) that he wants a cigarette badly. I don't know how to respond to this. I continue praising him for quitting and point out the health benefits that are already obvious -- his breathing, returned senses, etc. -- but it's getting old.

Should I continue to say helpful things or just ignore him when he's drunk? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN DALLAS

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Try this. Tell him calmly that his craving for a cigarette is normal, particularly if he used to smoke while consuming alcohol. Reassure him that with time the craving will lessen, and continue to reinforce that he did himself a huge favor by mustering up the willpower to quit. Tell him you know it wasn't easy and that the longer he resists the urge for a nicotine fix, the easier it will be for him to stay smoke-free.

The fact that he becomes "belligerent" when he drinks should be a sign to you that he probably shouldn't be drinking either. Instead of keeping him company when he's in his cups, consider leaving to attend an Al-Anon meeting. It's a supportive organization created for friends and family members who are affected by a loved one's alcohol consumption. It isn't difficult to find a meeting. Just go to al-anon.org.

Addiction
life

Man Ends Relationship He Says Is Good, but Will Never Be Great

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship with a man for a year and a half. We got along great. We never argued, and we had a healthy sexual relationship.

You know the saying, "Actions speak louder than words"? All the actions were there -- he took me on amazing vacations, introduced me to all of his friends and family. But during all our time together, he never once expressed how he felt about me. He never even called me "Honey," or "Babe."

About a month ago, I told him how I felt. I came right out and asked if he loved me or had any kind of romantic feelings for me. He ignored my question! I guess he didn't want to hurt me more by saying no. Two weeks later, he broke up with me.

I have been divorced for five years, while he has never been married or had a live-in girlfriend. He said his reason for breaking up was he felt our relationship was good but not great (!) and he didn't think it ever would be. This is painful, but I can't help holding onto hope. Should I just give up and move on? -- GOOD, BUT NOT GREAT

DEAR G.B.N.G.: Yes, for your own sake, you must. Give him credit for having been honest with you, but if after a year and a half he wasn't able to summon up any romantic feelings for you, you must accept that it isn't going to happen. Moving on may be painful for a while, but you will be doing yourself a big favor. Start now.

Love & Dating
life

Nonagenarian Is Eager to Share a Long Lifetime of Experiences

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm 91. I have outlived many of my longtime friends. In my address book I counted 22 pals whose names I have crossed out after they died. These were people we danced, dined and traveled with. Only five members of the old gang are left, but they've all dispersed. Making new friends is difficult for people our age because we are not out and about as much.

Lonely? Yes, a bit. At holidays, some family members are good at extending themselves toward this old geezer, which I appreciate. When they look up from their cellphones, they discover I have something to contribute. I experienced the Depression, a variety of wars and many new inventions.

Abby, please remind your readers how much we appreciate those who engage us socially in some way. Many of us are past our warranty and won't be available to answer questions much longer. -- OLD GEEZER OUT WEST

DEAR OLD GEEZER: I'm pleased to put the word out. Readers, our senior citizens have much wisdom to offer. They can also be great fun to be around. However, they are a diminishing resource. "Geezer" is right. They won't be around forever, so engage with them while you can. For that matter, neither will some of you when you're their age. Because isolation isn't healthy for anyone, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Friends & NeighborsDeath
life

Man Makes No Effort to Tame His Wandering Eye

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: How can I get my husband to stop checking out other women in front of me? I have repeatedly told him it makes me feel bad. If I can refrain from looking at other men while I'm in his company, why can't he do the same for me? It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. -- SAD WIFE IN ARKANSAS

DEAR WIFE: Please accept my sympathy. Since you have made clear to your husband that what he's doing bothers you, perhaps it's time to accept that you married a disrespectful, classless boor. While many men look at women other than their wives, most of them do it discreetly to avoid hurt feelings.

Because what he's doing is disrespectful, try viewing it from a different perspective. It's not that you're not good enough for your husband, but rather that he's not good enough for you.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Prescription Sunglasses Attract Unwelcome Compliments

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently wore a pair of sunglasses to work for the first time and received a lot of compliments on my "style." How can I get my co-workers to stop complimenting me? I have told them a number of times the glasses were prescribed by my doctor to protect my sensitive eyes, and I'm not trying to make a fashion statement. It makes me uncomfortable when they say the glasses look "cute" or "work well with my outfit." How do I nicely get them to stop bringing attention to my medical issue? -- WORRIED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WORRIED: Your co-workers probably mean well, but tell them their comments embarrass you and you would prefer not to be constantly reminded about your eye sensitivity. Then ask them to please stop doing it, and I'm sure they will comply.

Health & SafetyWork & School
life

Plans for Happy Future Are Upset by Return of Old Rival

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I had a baby girl with my longtime best friend, "Adam." "April" is now 3 weeks old. I thought everything would be OK as co-parents because, even though we're not together, we get along and almost never fight.

Six weeks before April was born, Adam began seeing a girl we both knew from high school. The girl, "Jenny," and I have a horrible past. She used to bully me.

My problem with Jenny being around is she's disrespectful. She and Adam argue all the time because she forces things that shouldn't be a problem into becoming a problem. When I visit so Adam can see April, Jenny often interjects her own opinions about my baby as if she knows better than I do.

I recently found out that Adam is planning to marry Jenny. We have been fighting because I don't want her around my daughter. Adam believes it's not fair to push her out of the room when April is around, and that Jenny should be a part of family events reserved for only parents and the child, like taking formal pictures and such.

Am I irrational or crazy? I care about Adam because of our long history of friendship. I did a lot to help him get off drugs and keep his life together, and now here she is messing it up. I told him if he's happy with her, then fine, but I don't want Jenny around my baby. We cannot seem to come to an agreement unless I fold. -- CO-PARENTING ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR CO-PARENTING: You are neither irrational nor crazy. I'm sorry your relationship with Adam didn't work out as you had hoped it would. However, if Adam marries Jenny, she will be April's stepmother. It would be unrealistic for you to expect she leave the room when you bring the baby to visit her daddy. In that case, it might be better if you accept the things you cannot change.

Friends & NeighborsFamily & ParentingLove & Dating
life

New Ownership Could Upset Dynamics in Family's House

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Allan's," great-grandfather recently passed away. We lived with him, as did Allan's mother and uncle. Allan was his full-time caregiver.

My fiance's mother is thinking about buying the house and says we should all pay rent to her. I have lived here for six years and I'm comfortable here. The one thing I'm wary about is, if it becomes her house, that she'll start treating us like children.

Allan and I are in our late 20s. I'm not comfortable walking on eggshells, and I'm afraid she will make it clear that we are living in her house. In my opinion, if people are paying rent, it should feel like their home, too.

Am I being a brat? And once it becomes her house, should I just lay all my worries on the line to her? -- NOT A CHILD IN THE WEST

DEAR NOT A CHILD: You are not being a brat. You are an adult, and an intelligent one. By all means lay all your concerns on the table -- the sooner the better. That way, Allan's mother can either allay them, or you and your fiance can make plans to find another place to live. If his mother needs the income that would come from having renters, she may be less inclined to behave as you fear.

MoneyDeathFamily & Parenting

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