DEAR ABBY: I come from a large family. We are not wealthy but always loved dressing our children up for holidays. Because the outfits were expensive, as our children outgrew them, we passed them on to my sister-in-law.

When my youngest daughter was born, I asked her about the dresses, and she informed me they were not her style so she had given them away. I was heartbroken, but I never said anything.

My older daughter is not a practicing Catholic, and my younger daughter is not having children at all. I saved their christening gowns, but they don't want them. I would love to pass them on to another family member so they can be used instead of sitting in a trunk, but I don't want them to leave the family or be sold. Is it OK to put stipulations on something you are passing on? -- UNSURE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR UNSURE: You can stipulate whatever you like, but there is no guarantee that the garments will remain in the family. Once a gift is given, it becomes the property of the recipient to keep or dispose of.

DEAR ABBY: If someone did something "nice" for you, but it turned out to cause such a hassle that you didn't appreciate the gesture, how do you politely tell the person not to do it again, or that you wish they hadn't?

An example: Someone gives you a box of chocolates or cupcakes when you are trying to lose weight. Or, the baby sitter folds all the clothes that were sitting in the laundry basket, but puts everything away in the wrong drawers. (And you didn't ask her to fold the laundry in the first place.) -- DON'T DO IT AGAIN

DEAR DON'T: Here's how. Thank the person for the thoughtful gesture and explain that you are watching your diet, cannot have candy and won't be able to for the foreseeable future. If the person is someone who cares about you and is not a saboteur, he or she won't tempt you again without asking first.

As for your baby sitter, while you thank her for trying to help you by folding and putting away your laundry, explain that this isn't something anyone can do for you because you have your own way of doing it, and please not to do it again.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this to relieve a heavy burden I have carried for many years. I'm 16 and have had a crush on this girl since I was 9. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her, and have never gotten over it.

I have always had a problem expressing my feelings. I have been very shy from the day I was born. Now that I'm older, I have more confidence and have lost most of my shyness. What should I do after years of barely talking to her? -- NOT SO SHY ANYMORE

DEAR NOT SO SHY ANYMORE: Now that you have more confidence, start talking to her. You don't have to declare your love in the first conversation, but her reaction will tell you if she wants to have some sort of relationship with you, even if it's only friendship -- and that's an auspicious beginning.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for two years, and my husband has three grown children. He was recently planning a getaway with the youngest and included me in the plans. I didn't want to interfere and suggested that his child might want to spend some one-on-one time with him. I later learned that not only were his other kids going, but their spouses were as well. Everyone was included but me. I felt very hurt to be excluded.

When I shared with him how I felt, his response was that he couldn't control his kids, but I feel he could have controlled his response. To exclude me was deliberate. When I told him how hurt I was, he got less than an inch from my face and started screaming about my kids (who love him like a father). It scared me because he was in my face. I have never had a man scream in my face like that before. I don't know what to do. I was truly terrified. -- LOST IN THE EAST

DEAR LOST: Your husband may have reacted the way he did out of guilt. If you haven't already, tell him that no one has ever spoken to you the way he did and that it terrified you. Tell him that when someone acts that way, the natural conclusion of the person being bullied (which is what he was doing) is to fear the verbal attack will escalate to physical violence.

If he can't explain calmly why he overreacted when you said you were hurt, then the two of you could use some sessions with a marriage counselor. If he refuses to go, go without him. He was less than honest in not disclosing beforehand that everyone but you would be vacationing together. During some of your counseling sessions, consider discussing healthy ways to disagree and the dynamics of "vacations with the kids" -- both his and yours -- in the future.

DEAR ABBY: Years before my dad passed away, he started keeping a notebook he called "Jack's Doomsday Book." In it he listed account numbers and balances, names of banks, passwords, locations of documents and other detailed instructions on how to take over his responsibilities if he was incapacitated. He always told Mom and me that if something happened, to find that notebook in which everything was written down.

Mom died first, so when Dad became ill years later, he made sure I had the notebook. I can't tell you how much easier it made things. I didn't have to go searching through paperwork to figure out what was what. I knew the banks I had to go to and what to bring. It was all there, down to the changes he had made after Mom passed. Even our financial adviser was impressed at how easy Dad made everything for us. Everyone should have a doomsday book. -- JACK'S GIRL IN LOUISIANA

DEAR JACK'S GIRL: I couldn't agree more. I admire your father's pragmatism. Too many adults fail to plan ahead for this kind of inevitability, which causes additional problems for survivors at a time when they are trying to cope with their grief. Readers, if you haven't already done something similar, you should consider it.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend is getting married next year and I am supposed to be the maid of honor. I am Jewish, and she scheduled her wedding on the first day of Passover. This also means her rehearsal dinner will be during my family's first Seder.

How do I explain to her that for the first time in my life, she has broken my heart? It seems her family doesn't understand that Jewish holidays are as important as theirs. She is asking me to choose between my beliefs, my family and our friendship.

What do I say to her, or should I just decline to be in her wedding? With 52 weekends in a year, I feel like she could have found another day. -- BROKENHEARTED IN BOSTON

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Your friend was under no obligation to time her wedding date to avoid conflicting with your religious ritual. If you are wise, you will put aside the temptation to lay a guilt trip on her. Explain that you will be unable to be part of her wedding party the same way you explained it to me. Because you are strictly observant, you should make clear to her why this religious observance takes precedence over her wedding.

DEAR ABBY: As my children have grown older, I have regarded myself as matriarch of the family, giving advice and help where I think it's needed. Lately, though, I'm afraid my relationship with them may have taken a turn for the worse. I can't seem to stop criticizing.

Recently they sat down with me and told me they dread coming to visit, are sick of my "mother-in-law" treatment of their spouses and collectively wish I'd check my tongue. I meant well, but my kids are right. The problem is, I'm afraid I can't stop. Trying to hold my opinions back leaves me anxious and depressed.

My family is pretty normal, and I don't want to alienate anyone. But I am having difficulty dialing back these habits and don't know where to turn. -- CRITICAL MATRIARCH IN UTAH

DEAR MATRIARCH: When the urge to criticize becomes overwhelming, bite your tongue or leave the room. The only exception would be if you see an impending disaster.

I'll share with you some advice my mother gave me years ago: The most unwelcome advice in the world is that which is unasked for. Take it to heart and your relationship with your adult children and their spouses may improve.

DEAR ABBY: I'm planning to travel to another state in September and trying to save up for the plane ticket. The issue is, I'm going during my birthday. I'd like my family to help me with the cost of the trip, even if it's only $5 to $10, instead of buying me gifts. How do I go about telling them that, instead of gifts, I'd prefer money without sounding ungrateful or pushy? I just would really like help paying for my trip. -- FAMILY HELP

DEAR FAMILY HELP: Because you would prefer cash to tangible gifts, a way to approach this would be to confide your preference in your mother or another close relative and let that person spread the word. Good luck!