DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ray," and I have been together for 10 years and, like most couples, we have had our ups and downs. Ray is a professional musician, so a lot of my time is spent supporting this, either by promoting his endeavors or accepting the fact that I will always come second to his first love -- the blues.

A couple of gigs ago, Ray played at an outdoor festival. So there I sat, in the rain, in the dark, watching the show. Three men approached where I was sitting and stood in a circle around me watching the show. Attendance was sparse due to the weather, so it seemed strange they stood so close to me. It made me uneasy, but I have been in similar situations since being with Ray, so I didn't think much about it.

At home later that night, while I was unwinding and listening to Ray complain about his fingers, I mentioned the three men. He said he had witnessed it and thought it was a little odd, too. This led me to ask, hypothetically, what he would do if he were on stage and I was being attacked in front of him. He said he would put his guitar in its stand, go to the microphone and ask for assistance for me. He wouldn't throw the guitar down and rush to my aid!

I couldn't believe his response. I feel completely alone and unloved. I don't know what to think or what to do. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated. -- FACE IN THE CROWD

DEAR FACE: You are neither alone nor unloved, and I seriously doubt your husband's response to your hypothetical question was an indication that he doesn't love you. It's possible that he was afraid he would not be able to adequately protect you, and that Security could deal with the three men more effectively than he could. Bear in mind that if the real thing were to happen, he might react very differently.

Because you are fearful, plan ahead. Carry pepper spray when you attend his performances.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter graduated more than two years ago. I offered to help her with her thank-you notes, but I dropped the ball and never got them completed and sent out. I feel terrible and guilty.

Would it be wrong to send out letters to everyone and explain what happened? Or how else can I resolve this mess and put my conscience to rest? -- PROUD MAMA IN OHIO

DEAR PROUD MAMA: The task of writing thank-you letters was your daughter's responsibility from the start. She should send them out right away, with her apologies. Better late than never.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 47-year-old man. I live alone in a small city in New York. I have a good job. I have been with the company for years and my bosses take good care of me. However, I want to live a semi-homesteading-type life on my own property, providing myself with my basic needs. I cannot do this in the area where I live because of strict zoning.

I'm torn between leaving my job to move and live the life I dream of, or staying where I am and trying to get as close as I can to that lifestyle. Can you help me? -- TORN IN NEW YORK

DEAR TORN: The questions you need to answer are can you afford to live your dream right now and, if not, how long will you have to wait until you can achieve it? Your next move should be to talk to your CPA or to a certified financial planner and see what it will take to make your dream a reality. Unless you are sure about that, you should stay where you are until you have enough money for a comfortable retirement off the grid.

DEAR ABBY: I am a working mother of two, married for 20 years. I go to great lengths to keep a Google calendar updated, which my husband has access to any time he wishes to see it. The problem is, he rarely looks at it. Instead, he asks me daily, "What have we got going on today?" or, "What time is (blank)?" or, "Do we have anything happening the weekend of (blank)?" Sometimes he texts me while I'm working to ask what time one of our children needs to be picked up.

Abby, it drives me crazy! At any hour of any day he is one click away from all this information. It makes me feel like I'm his secretary. I have told him how it makes me feel numerous times to no avail. How can I get him to use the calendar and stop treating me like his personal secretary? -- FED UP IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FED UP: Here's how: Do not react in anger. When he asks these questions, your response should be: "I don't know, Honey. I'm sure it's on the calendar. Why don't you look it up?"

DEAR ABBY: My son is 29. He has no vanity at all and does not care how he dresses or looks. He has always been this way. He just got married, and his wife is a darling girl. How can I make him understand how important this is, not only to him but also to his wife? -- CONCERNED MOM

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: It's my observation that people who make the effort to "put themselves together" usually feel better for having done so. However, if your son is doing well at his job, happy in his relationships and in his marriage, then perhaps you shouldn't second-guess him. The time to have impressed the importance of good grooming on your son was while he was still a minor and living with you. Now that he's 29, face it, that horse left the barn years ago.

DEAR ABBY: This is something I can't talk about in my grief support group. I'm a 70-year-old widow. I lost my dear husband of 35 years 17 months ago. I always was more sexual than he was. Since the funeral, I have had a one-night stand with a nice younger man, but it was a failure for me physically. Since then, I am leery.

Last night, a dear friend visited. He knew both of us for years. I had flirted with him last year, but nothing happened. Last night he came on to me. I was upset about my failure to perform with the nice young man, so I turned him down. Now I don't know what to do.

If I sleep with him, will it destroy our friendship? Will I be able to keep him from becoming a major presence in my home? -- WONDERING WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your husband. That your first experience after your husband's death wasn't all that you fantasized it would be isn't unusual. Good sex is all about communication. It takes time for couples to adjust to each other and feel comfortable enough to talk frankly about their individual needs.

If you sleep with this old friend, I can't see why it would destroy your friendship. You are both adults and, I assume, available. Sex with him may -- or may not -- bring you closer for a variety of reasons.

However, if you would not welcome someone becoming "a major presence in your home," allow me to point out that it might be better not to go to bed with him. Once a door is opened, it's not unusual for a guest to become comfortable and crave more "hospitality."

DEAR ABBY: I am a mother of two, and I'm afraid the baby's dad is with me only for them. He pays no attention to me unless he has something to complain about. When he does, he says hurtful things that make me cry and then he tells the kids to call me a crybaby. It's almost as if he is trying to turn them against me.

I want a relationship with him. I want love and attention, but I don't know how to get it. Please help! -- NOT WANTED IN THE EAST

DEAR NOT WANTED: What your partner is doing is unhealthy not only for you, but also for your children. He is emotionally abusing you, while at the same time encouraging those children to disrespect you and minimize your feelings.

For your sake -- and theirs -- you must not allow this to continue. If you do, they will think the abuse is normal behavior and perpetuate it in their own relationships when they are older.

Offer your partner the option of couples counseling to repair your relationship. If he refuses, go without him. If you do, I promise you will find it enlightening. Please do not procrastinate, because his verbal abuse could escalate.

DEAR ABBY: Is there a way to respond to individuals who use swear words often and loudly in a public place such as a restaurant? Hearing the F-word used by people at the next table ruins my enjoyment of my meal. -- OFFENDED IN THE WEST

DEAR OFFENDED: I don't advise you to approach the "offenders." If you have a complaint, direct it to the manager of the restaurant, who can then inform the "F-worders" they are disturbing other patrons and to please keep it down. And if they don't, ask to change tables and sit in a quieter section of the restaurant.