DEAR ABBY: I recently had to spend a night in the hospital following minor surgery. One of the female techs taking care of me leaned over me to straighten out the bedding and I could see "everything" when the top of her scrubs fell open.

I'm not sure if it was on purpose or by accident. I say this because after the first time, it happened several more times. I only looked the first time out of shock. The other times, I looked away.

Other than saying, "Hey, lady, I can see your boobies when you bend over," what's the polite way to say, "Oops -- wardrobe malfunction"? -- GOT AN EYEFUL IN ILLINOIS

DEAR GOT AN EYEFUL: Since, with luck, you won't have to make another visit to the hospital, I think your question may be moot. However, the discreet way to deal with something like that would be to mention what happened to the head nurse or supervisor and say that it made you uncomfortable.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 30s and recently met a very attractive woman my age. We are planning to get married. She wants us to be married as soon as possible because she has been divorced for the last seven years.

My problem is, she's extremely secretive about her past, especially the period between her divorce and our meeting. I have been open with her about my past, but when I ask about hers, she refuses to discuss it and says it has nothing to do with our relationship.

I have a feeling there may be something nasty she's hiding. I'm afraid I'm heading into a trap, but my love for her makes it tough to consider breaking up. Am I being too demanding? -- CONCERNED GUY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONCERNED GUY: If your intuition is screaming that your girlfriend's desire for a hasty marriage could spell trouble in the future, you should pay close attention to it. It is not "too demanding" to want to know what one's fiancee has been doing for the last seven years. Under no circumstances should you marry this woman without first talking to a lawyer, who I am sure will suggest doing a background check and/or drafting an ironclad prenuptial agreement.

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a bridal shower for my nephew's fiancee. My sister-in-law (the future mother-in-law of the bride) also attended the shower. She did not choose any gifts from the bride's registry, but decided instead to give the bride lingerie, including thong underwear. Frankly, I was shocked. I didn't think it was appropriate for either the mother or the future mother-in-law to give such intimate gifts. Am I wrong? -- FLUMMOXED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FLUMMOXED: Shower guests are not restricted to items based solely upon the couple's registry. They can give whatever gift they wish to the bride and groom. Your sister-in-law chose something she thought the bride and groom would enjoy. Please try to be less judgmental and hope she was right.

DEAR ABBY: My wife died of cancer four years ago. She was my best friend, and the pain of losing her was more than I could cope with. I was in a fog for about two years, just going through the motions. Eventually the fear of spending the next 20 to 30 years alone drove me to try internet dating. I met some nice women and some very strange ones, but nothing came of it.

Then a year ago, an old friend introduced me to "Elaine." We hit it off immediately. We share the same interests and offbeat sense of humor, and I have grown fond of her. She's intelligent, kind and easy on the eyes. Our grown kids get along very well.

Our mutual friend told me that Elaine said she loves me and would be thrilled if I proposed -- I guess to encourage me to the next level. My problem is, I'm still in love with my late wife.

If Elaine one day tells me she loves me, how do I respond without hurting her feelings or making her withdraw? I can see myself loving her in the future, but I am still silently mourning my wife. I don't want to chase Elaine away, so please tell me what to do. -- NEW YORK WIDOWER

DEAR WIDOWER: You and Elaine appear to have a communication problem. You are both adults. If she has fallen in love with you, you shouldn't have to hear it from a mutual friend.

You owe it to her to have a frank talk with her because she needs to know that you don't intend to remarry until you are over the loss of your late wife. She may decide to stick it out and wait or, as you say, decide to move on. But at least she'll know what she's dealing with.

It might also be a good idea for you to consult a grief therapist. Because if you do, it may make it easier for you to move forward with your life.

DEAR ABBY: Our friend's adult children invited us to a birthday party they were throwing for their parent at a restaurant. As we were ordering, the server asked if the checks would be separate or couples. (This was our first clue that we were expected to pay for our dinner.) For us, it was no problem, but an elderly couple had a long discussion about how they would pay.

When inviting guests to a party, is it proper to expect them to pay for their dinner? And if so, how should it be phrased in the invitation? If no mention is made, how would one inquire as to how the bill is handled?

This has never come up before. Hosts (including us) have always picked up the tab. -- CAUGHT OFF GUARD IN OHIO

DEAR CAUGHT OFF GUARD: How embarrassing for that older couple, not to mention your friend.

Unless it is discussed or agreed upon beforehand, a host is expected to pick up the check. (That's what "host" means.) If guests will be expected to pay for their own drinks (or meals), then the occasion is a "no host" gathering. That the guests were expected to pay for their own meal should not have been announced at the last minute; it should have been mentioned when the invitation was issued.

As to how to ask who will be paying when you are invited out, please know that asking that question isn't rude -- particularly in light of what you experienced.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has been a hospice volunteer for six months. I think that's great. The problem is, all she ever talks about anymore is the families and patients she helps. I'm tired of coming home from school or work and hearing about her latest patient's family drama or the details about how they died. My grandmother, who also lives with us, is burned out from it, too.

I have changed the subject or asked her politely several times not to continue telling me these stories, to no avail. I have also mentioned that it is a violation of HIPAA laws, but her answer is, "Not if I don't tell you their names, and you don't repeat these stories."

My boyfriend doesn't like to come over anymore because he thinks her stories are morbid. I even overheard Mom telling these stories to the yard man recently. Moving out is not an option, or I would already be gone. Help! -- TIRED OF MORBID STORIES

DEAR TIRED: Your mother is doing extremely stressful work. It's possible she needs to vent to relieve it. However, for her to repeatedly dump on you (and the gardener?!) is wrong.

That said, there's no law you have to listen, so if she persists, get up and leave the room. I agree that what she's doing is a violation of HIPAA, which could cost her her position, so suggest that if she needs to "de-stress," she should go jogging or buy a treadmill and do it that way, or keep a journal.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my mid-20s. I've done a lot in my life that I'm proud of. But one nagging issue I have is that I have never been in a relationship or even been kissed.

At first I felt proud of my independence and for not throwing myself into silly relationships. But as I see my friends enter new phases of their lives that I haven't experienced -- a first kiss, a significant other, love and marriage -- it's increasingly harder to not feel left behind.

I have a hard time talking to my friends about it because I don't want them to think of me as self-pitying. If the subject arises, I make a flippant comment and move on.

I have tried waiting for the other person to make the first move. I have also tried being bold and direct. I throw myself into work and hobbies. But when every song, TV show and movie fixates on romantic love, it's hard to not personalize it.

In addition to asking for your advice, I'd like to pose a question to your readers: Are any of you in the same boat? And if so, what do you do to cope? -- TRYING TO COPE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR TRYING: It's time to talk frankly with your male and female friends and ask them for some honest input. I don't know whether you are simply a late bloomer -- many people are -- or whether you are trying too hard and sending out "desperate" signals that drive people away. But of this I am certain: You are not alone in this lonely boat. Readers?