DEAR ABBY: My wife died of cancer four years ago. She was my best friend, and the pain of losing her was more than I could cope with. I was in a fog for about two years, just going through the motions. Eventually the fear of spending the next 20 to 30 years alone drove me to try internet dating. I met some nice women and some very strange ones, but nothing came of it.

Then a year ago, an old friend introduced me to "Elaine." We hit it off immediately. We share the same interests and offbeat sense of humor, and I have grown fond of her. She's intelligent, kind and easy on the eyes. Our grown kids get along very well.

Our mutual friend told me that Elaine said she loves me and would be thrilled if I proposed -- I guess to encourage me to the next level. My problem is, I'm still in love with my late wife.

If Elaine one day tells me she loves me, how do I respond without hurting her feelings or making her withdraw? I can see myself loving her in the future, but I am still silently mourning my wife. I don't want to chase Elaine away, so please tell me what to do. -- NEW YORK WIDOWER

DEAR WIDOWER: You and Elaine appear to have a communication problem. You are both adults. If she has fallen in love with you, you shouldn't have to hear it from a mutual friend.

You owe it to her to have a frank talk with her because she needs to know that you don't intend to remarry until you are over the loss of your late wife. She may decide to stick it out and wait or, as you say, decide to move on. But at least she'll know what she's dealing with.

It might also be a good idea for you to consult a grief therapist. Because if you do, it may make it easier for you to move forward with your life.

DEAR ABBY: Our friend's adult children invited us to a birthday party they were throwing for their parent at a restaurant. As we were ordering, the server asked if the checks would be separate or couples. (This was our first clue that we were expected to pay for our dinner.) For us, it was no problem, but an elderly couple had a long discussion about how they would pay.

When inviting guests to a party, is it proper to expect them to pay for their dinner? And if so, how should it be phrased in the invitation? If no mention is made, how would one inquire as to how the bill is handled?

This has never come up before. Hosts (including us) have always picked up the tab. -- CAUGHT OFF GUARD IN OHIO

DEAR CAUGHT OFF GUARD: How embarrassing for that older couple, not to mention your friend.

Unless it is discussed or agreed upon beforehand, a host is expected to pick up the check. (That's what "host" means.) If guests will be expected to pay for their own drinks (or meals), then the occasion is a "no host" gathering. That the guests were expected to pay for their own meal should not have been announced at the last minute; it should have been mentioned when the invitation was issued.

As to how to ask who will be paying when you are invited out, please know that asking that question isn't rude -- particularly in light of what you experienced.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has been a hospice volunteer for six months. I think that's great. The problem is, all she ever talks about anymore is the families and patients she helps. I'm tired of coming home from school or work and hearing about her latest patient's family drama or the details about how they died. My grandmother, who also lives with us, is burned out from it, too.

I have changed the subject or asked her politely several times not to continue telling me these stories, to no avail. I have also mentioned that it is a violation of HIPAA laws, but her answer is, "Not if I don't tell you their names, and you don't repeat these stories."

My boyfriend doesn't like to come over anymore because he thinks her stories are morbid. I even overheard Mom telling these stories to the yard man recently. Moving out is not an option, or I would already be gone. Help! -- TIRED OF MORBID STORIES

DEAR TIRED: Your mother is doing extremely stressful work. It's possible she needs to vent to relieve it. However, for her to repeatedly dump on you (and the gardener?!) is wrong.

That said, there's no law you have to listen, so if she persists, get up and leave the room. I agree that what she's doing is a violation of HIPAA, which could cost her her position, so suggest that if she needs to "de-stress," she should go jogging or buy a treadmill and do it that way, or keep a journal.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my mid-20s. I've done a lot in my life that I'm proud of. But one nagging issue I have is that I have never been in a relationship or even been kissed.

At first I felt proud of my independence and for not throwing myself into silly relationships. But as I see my friends enter new phases of their lives that I haven't experienced -- a first kiss, a significant other, love and marriage -- it's increasingly harder to not feel left behind.

I have a hard time talking to my friends about it because I don't want them to think of me as self-pitying. If the subject arises, I make a flippant comment and move on.

I have tried waiting for the other person to make the first move. I have also tried being bold and direct. I throw myself into work and hobbies. But when every song, TV show and movie fixates on romantic love, it's hard to not personalize it.

In addition to asking for your advice, I'd like to pose a question to your readers: Are any of you in the same boat? And if so, what do you do to cope? -- TRYING TO COPE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR TRYING: It's time to talk frankly with your male and female friends and ask them for some honest input. I don't know whether you are simply a late bloomer -- many people are -- or whether you are trying too hard and sending out "desperate" signals that drive people away. But of this I am certain: You are not alone in this lonely boat. Readers?

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single 38-year-old woman. I haven't been in a relationship in more than 10 years because of school, work and kids. Lately, since I graduated, I have been on a string of blind dates. Men seem to want to hold my hand, touch my hair, stroke my arm, etc. right away. When I say I don't like it, they say they are "just being affectionate" because they like me.

I'm a cerebral person. I have fallen in love with men who are not conventionally attractive because they appealed to me intellectually. I have rejected handsome men because we weren't intellectually compatible. Until I feel some sort of rapport, I might as well be asexual. I am not turned on, and I do not want to be touched.

My dates, my friends and my family say this means I'm not ready for a relationship. What do you think? Is it unreasonable to want to feel a connection with someone before exchanging touches? What's the likelihood of success in courting when everyone keeps their hands to themselves in the beginning? -- NO TOUCHY, PLEASE

DEAR NO TOUCHY: I'm not sure I agree with your friends and family. A date may get the impression that you're not ready because the way you are delivering your message may come across as rejection. Try telling them exactly what you told me, that unless you feel an intellectual connection, being touched makes you uncomfortable. Most men appreciate a woman who expresses herself clearly about what she likes as well as what she doesn't.

DEAR ABBY: Several times now, my mother-in-law has given me cleaning supplies as gifts. I'm trying to decide how to interpret the gesture.

Is she hinting that she thinks our house is poorly kept? Is it that she enjoys buying new cleaning supplies and would also like to receive them as gifts? Or could it be a passive-aggressive dig at my decision to work full-time when she thinks I should be staying home keeping house? My husband and I share domestic responsibilities roughly evenly, and he's never received such gifts. -- MOTHER-IN-LAW GIFTS

DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW GIFTS: Not knowing your mother-in-law, I can't guess at her motive for choosing the gifts she's giving you. If you want a straight answer to your question, you will have to find the courage to get it straight from the horse's mouth. She may buy in bulk and have supplies to spare.

However, a gift is thoughtful, and these products may come in handy. So be pleasant and appreciative when you thank her for them.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 25. My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together. He lives eight hours away, so it means I'll be moving out of state.

I dread telling my parents because they haven't met him yet, and his work schedule hasn't allowed him to make the trip up here. (He can't drive at night.) The last time he was here was early in our relationship, and he thought it was too soon to meet my parents. Would a video chat introduction be all right? Any advice is welcome. -- MOVING ON IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MOVING ON: First impressions are important. A video chat would be better than nothing, I suppose. However, out of respect for your parents as well as respect for you, he should make the time to meet them in person -- preferably before you move in with him.

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: It is time for the breaking of the Ramadan fast. Happy Eid al-Fitr, everyone.