life

Parents Debate Whether Teens Are Ready to Stay Home Alone

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 18th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 4

DEAR ABBY: I've never written to you before, but I'm having a disagreement with my husband. We are taking our daughter out of state to drop her off at college in August. Our twin 15-year-old boys will be starting high school at the same time.

My husband thinks we can leave them home alone together for the five days and four nights we'll be gone; I feel we should arrange to have them stay with friends. He says we can trust them, and he's worried we'll be putting a burden on our friends. I'd like to ask two different families to take them for two nights each.

They are pretty responsible boys. I do trust them, but I still feel it's a bad idea to leave them home alone for that period of time. What do you think? -- HOME ALONE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HOME ALONE: I agree with you. Your sons may be angels, but to leave two minors who are not yet in high school alone for that length of time would be irresponsible. Don't do it.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Woman Who Comes to Work Drunk Is in Need of Some Tough Love From Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 18th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 4

DEAR ABBY: My co-worker, "Sara," comes to work drunk. After I reported it to my supervisor, "Ben," Sara stopped for a while, but now she has started again. Sara has not been doing her job correctly. Ben is now asking me to sign a statement about it. She is my best friend, and I don't want to get her in trouble. But I'm scared that she's going to get hurt at work or while driving. Please help! -- DANGER IN THE WORKPLACE

DEAR DANGER: Your friend needs some kind of intervention. Some companies have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), which might enable Sara to get the professional help she needs. An EAP is a voluntary, work-based program that offers free and confidential assessments, short-term counseling, referrals and follow-ups to employees who have personal and/or work-related problems.

Before you sign the statement, find out if your company offers this program and if your supervisor will make it available to Sara. Do not worry about getting her in trouble. She's already in trouble, and this may be the solution.

Health & SafetyFriends & NeighborsWork & School
life

Woman's White Teeth Look Suspiciously Bright to Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 18th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 4

DEAR ABBY: A couple times a year I have lunch with an old friend. I recently ran into her at the store and noticed she now has very white teeth. They look great; however, they almost do not look like real teeth. We're having lunch together next week, and I would like to compliment her on her beautiful teeth but, if she now wears dentures or has implants, I don't want to embarrass her. Would it be OK if I tell her I think her teeth look beautiful and pearly white, or should I keep quiet? -- PEARLY WHITES IN ARIZONA

DEAR PEARLY WHITES: Your friend may have gotten dentures or implants, but she also could have simply had her teeth brightened by her dentist. If you want to compliment her, be a little more subtle than to mention her teeth. All you need to say is, "You know what? You've got a great smile!" If she wants to respond by giving you all the details, she will. If not, you will not have encroached upon her privacy.

Health & SafetyFriends & Neighbors
life

Happy Father's Day

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 18th, 2017 | Letter 4 of 4

DEAR READERS: Allow me to wish a Happy Father's Day to fathers everywhere -- birth fathers, stepfathers, adoptive and foster fathers, grandfathers, and all of those caring men who mentor children and fill the role of absent dads. I applaud you all.

P.S. And once again, a big shout-out to dual-role moms. -- LOVE, ABBY

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Teen's Behavior Draws Strong Words From Concerned Readers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 17th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Needs a Playmate" (Feb. 15), I agreed with your advice to 7-year-old "Jessie's" mom to make it clear that what happened was not her daughter's fault, and that "Jason" was in the wrong. You also addressed Jason's mother's unwillingness to deal with the issue. However, I don't believe your advice went far enough.

What 13-year-old Jason did was not merely misbehaving. It was an attempt at sexual molestation and a huge red flag. Chances are he has tried this behavior before, and likely succeeded. There is also the possibility that Jason himself has been a victim or has been exposed to sexually arousing material. In any case, he needs help. An investigation should occur to locate other possible victims. The appropriate reaction to something like this is to contact the local authorities and child protective services. -- CONCERNED READER IN UTAH

DEAR READER: Thank you for raising this issue. Other readers were also concerned that my advice did not go far enough. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In many states, if there is a four-year age gap between children who engage in "sex play," it may constitute a crime. In many counties, children's services will step in to investigate whether Jason has also been abused or, more likely, is watching pornography. Jason needs to be reported. Reporting this would be a good thing for him to ensure that he won't eventually become part of the juvenile justice system. -- A LITTLE SHOCKED IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: That 13-year-old boy attempted to sexually abuse Jessie, which is a crime. He may also have done other things to her that, at her age, she may not be able to understand were wrong. Her mom should have her examined by a physician and get a referral for counseling. The police should also be notified to investigate. Don't forget -- Jason has a younger sister who could be a victim, too.

He's old enough to know his behavior is wrong, and without intervention he could repeat it. He may even make another attempt on Jessie, since she lives close by. She may be at risk for being abused again and remain silent because she lost her friend when she told her mother what happened in the first place. Mom: Please don't overlook this. -- NANCY IN NEW ENGLAND

Family & ParentingTeensFriends & Neighbors
life

Effort to Watch Videos Without Disturbing Others Backfires

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 17th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: When I watch videos on my laptop or phone, I usually use headphones so the noise doesn't disturb others. If the video is funny, I laugh. Like most people, I love comedy and I love to laugh.

In recent months, however, my father has frequently made a point of telling me that my laughing is disturbing, especially when no one else can hear what I'm laughing at. He says the sound can be startling, and that I sound maniacal or hysterical. Naturally, I feel guilty, and it tends to ruin the enjoyment of whatever I'm watching.

What do I do to resolve this source of conflict? Try not to laugh when he's around? -- LAUGHING OUT LOUD

DEAR L.O.L.: Try this: Because you know your sudden bursts of laughter startle your dad, view your videos in another room so you won't disturb him.

Family & Parenting
life

Teen Tells Mom to Stay Away During His Band Performances

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 16th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old son will be entering 10th grade. He has been a member of the school band since sixth grade. After performing in last year's Christmas parade, a group of the students went to a nursing home to perform for the residents. When we arrived, I started to get out of the car with my son so I could listen, as other parents were doing. My son seemed surprised that I was going to stay and said he would rather I didn't because I make him nervous. Needless to say, I was devastated.

Now, whenever there's a concert, festival, parade or football game, I stay away, although I love to listen and watch the band play. When I don't attend, I feel hurt all over again. I'm his mother. I'm at a loss as to why I make him nervous, because I have always given him positive feedback regarding any performance. Should I respect his wishes and stay away, or go because it is what makes me happy? -- MISSING THE SHOW IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISSING THE SHOW: Have you asked your son why your presence makes him nervous when he performs? His answer might be enlightening. It could be something as simple as the fact that you are his mother. Sometimes teens become self-conscious simply because a parent is present, which may be the case with your son. That said, if you wish to attend his performances, I think you should, if you can do it unobtrusively, preferably out of his line of sight, and refrain from giving him feedback.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

After Accomplishing More Than He Dreamed, Man Grows Bored With Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 16th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Life has me worn out. I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could (considering my upbringing), traveled as much as I wanted, always strived to be a good husband and father, a good employer, a loyal volunteer, a supportive friend and good neighbor. I have done so many different things during my life that at this point, the thrill is gone.

At 56, I am tired of working, tired of travel, bored with my hobbies and sick of dealing with most people in general. I'm relaxed and laugh easily and have good relationships, but nothing excites me anymore. Honestly, if the Grim Reaper tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Pack your bags; tomorrow's the day," I'd just shrug and ask, "What time?"

I have been to the doctor. He said I'm depressed, but I don't feel depressed. I think the meds he put me on made me depressed! I went to a couple of therapists who told me I don't need therapy; I just need to find a new "spark." So what's a person to do? Must I keep wallowing through the days waiting for the end? Am I the only person who feels this way? -- WALLOWING IN THE NORTH

DEAR WALLOWING: You are not the only person who feels this way, and NO, you don't have to keep "wallowing." It appears you are experiencing a plain old-fashioned midlife crisis. Contact the psychologist with whom you felt the most connection -- or search for another one until you do -- and discuss what you are experiencing in those terms, because you need more help than I -- or anyone -- can give you in a letter.

Mental Health

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