DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband is coming to our small town to celebrate our daughter's graduation. He is bringing along his parents. I'm happy they are coming to show love and support for our daughter; however, his mother has dementia.

She's difficult to deal with now, and my ex doesn't manage the situation well. They take her to restaurants and hotels and allow very uncomfortable scenes to play out -- like sending food back (every single time) or allowing her to accuse the housekeeping staff of thievery. Rather than rationally deal with the problem themselves, they put the staff in a very awkward position.

The poor woman has a mental condition. It isn't a secret to the rest of us. I have figured out techniques to deal with her. I am going to cook some meals for them while they are here, but based on my work schedule, that's all I can do. Should I call ahead to the hotel and restaurants to warn them of the impending storm? -- HURRICANE INSANITY

DEAR H.I.: If you are known at the restaurants, you should definitely call ahead and speak to the manager about the fact that the poor woman is "not well." I'm sure it would be appreciated, and perhaps the party can be seated in a private area of the restaurant.

When someone has dementia, there comes a point where they should be kept in familiar surroundings to avoid situations in which the person can become agitated. This may be what's happening with your ex-mother-in-law when she finds herself in an environment she's not used to.

The Alzheimer's Association hosts support groups for caregivers and for families with loved ones who have dementia. In these groups, coping techniques are discussed. Your ex might benefit by reaching out, preferably before he and his mother make the trip. He can contact the association at www.alz.org or by calling the 24/7 helpline at 1-800-272-3900.

DEAR ABBY: You know the adage, "You don't know what you've got 'til you lose it"? In 2009, before I was deployed to Kuwait, I was in a short relationship with "Donna." Because I didn't want her to worry about me while I was gone, I ended it and broke her heart. (Big mistake.) When I came home, Donna had moved away, and I lost her phone number when my old phone broke. Since then, I have not been in any relationships, and not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss her and the inside jokes we had together. Lately, it has gotten worse.

I know Donna's sister still lives here. Should I go and ask her about Donna, and how she's doing and where she is now, and whether she'll contact her for me? Or should I just keep trying to get over her? -- REGRETTING IT IN THE WEST

DEAR REGRETTING: What are you waiting for? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. By all means, talk to Donna's sister, who might enjoy being able to play the role of Cupid. If Donna is still single and available, she may be as glad to see you as you will be to see her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married, heterosexual male. My wife found out a year ago that I have been cross-dressing, and she's not OK with it. She told me not to do it anymore.

I love my wife and I don't want to lose her, but this is who I am and I can't change it. I had an idea. My sister-in-law lives with us. She's a few years younger than my wife, very open-minded and liberal. I'm wondering if you think I should come out to her in the hope she can persuade my wife to let me dress up, or go behind my wife's back and help me dress up?

The downside would be that I'd have to go into her room and try on her clothes. She probably wouldn't be pleased about that. Also, she has such a close bond with my wife that she might tell her and refuse to help me. Any ideas, Abby? -- HOPELESS CROSS-DRESSER

DEAR CROSS-DRESSER: If this is who you are, you should have told your wife about your need to cross-dress before you married her. I do not think you should attempt to recruit your sister-in-law because, whatever she decides, it could damage either your marriage or their relationship.

Not knowing your wife, I can't guess how amenable she would be to counseling. Some women don't mind accommodating their husbands and enjoy helping them cross-dress. However, if your wife can't adjust, you will have to ask yourself whether you can continue in this marriage.

DEAR ABBY: You often give advice to readers about seeking professional counseling for challenges like the death of a loved one or substance abuse. How successful is it when they have sought counseling, mainly for divorce or other serious relationship issues?

My experience is similar to those I hear about from friends who have gone to counseling with their spouse or significant other. The outcome seems to have been the same as tossing a coin: Heads it worked, tails it didn't.

After decades of reading your column, and 10 years after trying counseling to save a marriage, I'm still ... SKEPTICAL IN TEXAS

DEAR SKEPTICAL: When a loved one dies, some survivors become "stuck" in the grieving process and are unable move through it without professional help. In the case of substance abuse, addiction creates problems that affect all of the abuser's relationships. This is why I often recommend 12-step groups. While the abuser may be in denial, those around him/her can find help for themselves, reassurance that they are not suffering alone and skills to help them cope.

I'm sorry counseling has not helped you to heal your marriage. With a troubled marriage, a counselor can often facilitate broader communication than couples can achieve on their own. However, like most relationships, marriages can be "saved" only when both spouses are willing to do the work to make it happen. When I advise readers to seek counseling, it's usually because I feel they need more ongoing support than I can offer in a letter.

DEAR ABBY: I am 55 now. Between the ages of 18 and 26, I was married four times to three different men. I was stupid. I had no direction in life and thought marriage was the answer. At 27, I went back to college, graduated and became a CPA.

I married again at 34. My husband was abusive, and the marriage was rocky, to say the least. He hit me, shoved me, kicked me, drank too much, passed out in the street and was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to live with. I hung in with him for 20 years because I was desperate to make a marriage work and avoid further shame.

I finally left him last year. I feel damaged, empty and ashamed, and I don't know how to start over at this point. I have been fighting a chronic illness for eight years, which contributes to my feelings of hopelessness.

Have you any advice about where I can turn to start a new life? Please don't suggest counseling. I have already done that and gotten as much healing from it as possible. Now I need to know how to move forward. -- SHAMED BUT NOT STUPID

DEAR SHAMED: Your new life began the moment you walked out the door and left your abuser behind. I have often asked, "If marriage is the answer, what is the question?" Now that you know marriage isn't the answer, you can begin building your new life by first forgiving yourself, and then learning to like yourself again.

There are online support groups for divorced people as well as those recovering from abusive relationships. It may be helpful to sample a few to see if you can find the support you're looking for. I wish you luck, because you are finally on the right track.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 20 years has always been a smoker. I worry nonstop about it affecting his health. Our children have begged him to quit.

A couple of months ago we made a bet. I would give up social media for a week if he would quit smoking for a week. It was awesome! He quit smoking -- or so I thought.

I found out last week that he only quit smoking at home. He has still been doing it at work. I asked him to please not start smoking at home. After all, if he can go all weekend without a cigarette, why does he need to smoke at all?

My issue: I caught him smoking in the garage. I was furious and didn't handle it well. Am I wrong for being upset that he went against my wishes? By the way, the kids don't know he has started again. -- SMOKE-FREE WIFE

DEAR SMOKE-FREE WIFE: No, you're not wrong. It's understandable that you are upset. You love your husband. If the kids don't know he has started smoking again, they'll soon realize it because they'll smell it on him.

It should be clear to you that your husband has a serious addiction to nicotine. You have my sympathy, but you cannot "make" him do this or do it "for" him. Secondhand smoke is unhealthy for those who are exposed to it, so unless you can convince your spouse to get help from his doctor, the rule should be that he smokes outside the house when he needs a "fix."