DEAR ABBY: I'm a married, heterosexual male. My wife found out a year ago that I have been cross-dressing, and she's not OK with it. She told me not to do it anymore.

I love my wife and I don't want to lose her, but this is who I am and I can't change it. I had an idea. My sister-in-law lives with us. She's a few years younger than my wife, very open-minded and liberal. I'm wondering if you think I should come out to her in the hope she can persuade my wife to let me dress up, or go behind my wife's back and help me dress up?

The downside would be that I'd have to go into her room and try on her clothes. She probably wouldn't be pleased about that. Also, she has such a close bond with my wife that she might tell her and refuse to help me. Any ideas, Abby? -- HOPELESS CROSS-DRESSER

DEAR CROSS-DRESSER: If this is who you are, you should have told your wife about your need to cross-dress before you married her. I do not think you should attempt to recruit your sister-in-law because, whatever she decides, it could damage either your marriage or their relationship.

Not knowing your wife, I can't guess how amenable she would be to counseling. Some women don't mind accommodating their husbands and enjoy helping them cross-dress. However, if your wife can't adjust, you will have to ask yourself whether you can continue in this marriage.

DEAR ABBY: You often give advice to readers about seeking professional counseling for challenges like the death of a loved one or substance abuse. How successful is it when they have sought counseling, mainly for divorce or other serious relationship issues?

My experience is similar to those I hear about from friends who have gone to counseling with their spouse or significant other. The outcome seems to have been the same as tossing a coin: Heads it worked, tails it didn't.

After decades of reading your column, and 10 years after trying counseling to save a marriage, I'm still ... SKEPTICAL IN TEXAS

DEAR SKEPTICAL: When a loved one dies, some survivors become "stuck" in the grieving process and are unable move through it without professional help. In the case of substance abuse, addiction creates problems that affect all of the abuser's relationships. This is why I often recommend 12-step groups. While the abuser may be in denial, those around him/her can find help for themselves, reassurance that they are not suffering alone and skills to help them cope.

I'm sorry counseling has not helped you to heal your marriage. With a troubled marriage, a counselor can often facilitate broader communication than couples can achieve on their own. However, like most relationships, marriages can be "saved" only when both spouses are willing to do the work to make it happen. When I advise readers to seek counseling, it's usually because I feel they need more ongoing support than I can offer in a letter.

DEAR ABBY: I am 55 now. Between the ages of 18 and 26, I was married four times to three different men. I was stupid. I had no direction in life and thought marriage was the answer. At 27, I went back to college, graduated and became a CPA.

I married again at 34. My husband was abusive, and the marriage was rocky, to say the least. He hit me, shoved me, kicked me, drank too much, passed out in the street and was a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to live with. I hung in with him for 20 years because I was desperate to make a marriage work and avoid further shame.

I finally left him last year. I feel damaged, empty and ashamed, and I don't know how to start over at this point. I have been fighting a chronic illness for eight years, which contributes to my feelings of hopelessness.

Have you any advice about where I can turn to start a new life? Please don't suggest counseling. I have already done that and gotten as much healing from it as possible. Now I need to know how to move forward. -- SHAMED BUT NOT STUPID

DEAR SHAMED: Your new life began the moment you walked out the door and left your abuser behind. I have often asked, "If marriage is the answer, what is the question?" Now that you know marriage isn't the answer, you can begin building your new life by first forgiving yourself, and then learning to like yourself again.

There are online support groups for divorced people as well as those recovering from abusive relationships. It may be helpful to sample a few to see if you can find the support you're looking for. I wish you luck, because you are finally on the right track.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 20 years has always been a smoker. I worry nonstop about it affecting his health. Our children have begged him to quit.

A couple of months ago we made a bet. I would give up social media for a week if he would quit smoking for a week. It was awesome! He quit smoking -- or so I thought.

I found out last week that he only quit smoking at home. He has still been doing it at work. I asked him to please not start smoking at home. After all, if he can go all weekend without a cigarette, why does he need to smoke at all?

My issue: I caught him smoking in the garage. I was furious and didn't handle it well. Am I wrong for being upset that he went against my wishes? By the way, the kids don't know he has started again. -- SMOKE-FREE WIFE

DEAR SMOKE-FREE WIFE: No, you're not wrong. It's understandable that you are upset. You love your husband. If the kids don't know he has started smoking again, they'll soon realize it because they'll smell it on him.

It should be clear to you that your husband has a serious addiction to nicotine. You have my sympathy, but you cannot "make" him do this or do it "for" him. Secondhand smoke is unhealthy for those who are exposed to it, so unless you can convince your spouse to get help from his doctor, the rule should be that he smokes outside the house when he needs a "fix."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old professional woman who has been having an affair with a married man for three years. We have great chemistry, a passionate sex life, endless laughs and give each other a lot of support. He's married and has children, and when he is with them I find myself incredibly jealous. I feel left out, and I no longer believe he will ever be with me, although he says he will.

Because of his legal status in the U.S., it could take a few years before he becomes a citizen and is able to divorce. Should we take a break and revisit our relationship in a few years, or should I stick by him until everything is sorted out? -- JEALOUS CONFUSED LOVEBIRD

DEAR LOVEBIRD: I'm all for taking that break. The status quo is painful. As things stand, there are no guarantees your lover will ever leave his wife and children for you. If you take a break, you might meet someone who is eligible and actually willing (and able) to build a future with you. I say, go for it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband takes personal and business calls on his cellphone. When I'm with him, I ask who is calling before he picks up. He thinks this is "unusual" and becomes upset when I do. I think it is a courtesy to let me know who he is talking to, since I am usually left sitting in the car next to him or at the table with an unfinished meal, playing a guessing game of "who is on the other end." Should I bite my tongue, or should he let me know? -- WHO'S CALLING

DEAR WHO'S: Unless your husband is a doctor or a bail bondsman, he shouldn't be taking business calls when you're having a meal together. If the call is important, he can return it after you have finished eating. As to being curious about who's on the other end of the line, if it's a friend, your husband could do what I do -- and that's mention the name of the person in his greeting or during the course of the conversation.

I don't think your curiosity is "unusual." Quite the opposite, in fact. But for heaven's sake, stop allowing your food to get cold while you wait for him to finish talking. Eat it while it's hot!

DEAR ABBY: This might seem like a trivial question, but it's one that has been bothering me for a long time. Does anyone else read the comics back to front, last to first? I simply can't enjoy reading them the "normal" way. Am I a horrible person? Do I have OCD? Am I antisocial? Should I write to "Dear Abby"? Oh wait. That's what I'm doing. Help! -- GARY IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR GARY: You are none of the above. Some people do the same thing with mystery novels because they can't stand the suspense.