DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, not long after I announced to my family that I was going to be married, my parents decided to divorce because Dad had been cheating on Mom. Because I allowed him to walk me down the aisle, she didn't attend my wedding. I was extremely hurt by it, but decided to forgive and forget. Unfortunately, my mother could not do that.

For the last six years, she has ignored my phone calls and text messages. I have sent cards and gifts for birthdays, Christmas and Mother's Day and received no acknowledgment (although she does generally send me a generic birthday or Christmas card).

We were very close before all this started, and I have tried reaching out to her in every way I know how. What makes this even more awkward is that she lives a stone's throw away, and my teenage daughter is close with her. If I'm outside when she drops my daughter off, she hides her face or pulls up in front of a big tree in my yard so she can't see me.

Cutting family out of her life is a pattern for her. My mother hasn't spoken to her own father in almost 50 years, and out of her six siblings, she speaks to only one. She cut her own mother out of her life for years until Grandma was on her deathbed.

With Mom's birthday coming up, I'm at the point where I think I'm done sending cards and gifts to someone who can't acknowledge me and blatantly hides from me. What do you think? -- CASTOFF IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CASTOFF: Sending the greeting cards is a minimal way to maintain contact, and you could continue doing it. But if you're really done, you're done.

DEAR ABBY: After 34 years of marriage, I realized that I must "earn the right" to have sex. This morning I agreed to go to a particular movie my wife wants me to see with her in exchange for sex.

I now recognize that this trading started years ago, and I just let it slide. But now I realize that what I call "trading for favors" has entered other aspects of our relationship: "Do this for me, and I'll do that for you."

I have a pretty thick skin, but more and more, I'm concluding this is a game that I'd rather not play. Can you give me any advice as to where we can go for help? I have no problem involving her in any solution. -- MUST EARN THE RIGHT

DEAR MUST EARN THE RIGHT: I agree that your wife must be a part of the solution to your problem. Because the old "pay for play" no longer suits you, the place to seek help would be the office of a licensed marriage counselor. I wish you luck, because decades-old dynamics can be hard to change.

DEAR ABBY: After 34 years of marriage, I realized that I must "earn the right" to have sex. This morning I agreed to go to a particular movie my wife wants me to see with her in exchange for sex.

I now recognize that this trading started years ago, and I just let it slide. But now I realize that what I call "trading for favors" has entered other aspects of our relationship: "Do this for me, and I'll do that for you."

I have a pretty thick skin, but more and more, I'm concluding this is a game that I'd rather not play. Can you give me any advice as to where we can go for help? I have no problem involving her in any solution. -- MUST EARN THE RIGHT

DEAR MUST EARN THE RIGHT: I agree that your wife must be a part of the solution to your problem. Because the old "pay for play" no longer suits you, the place to seek help would be the office of a licensed marriage counselor. I wish you luck, because decades-old dynamics can be hard to change.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter and her family come to visit, they are very messy. They have a 3- and a 4-year-old and two large, long-haired dogs. I can deal with the children's messiness -- but the dogs, no.

I agreed to let them bring their dogs if they cleaned up after them, but it hasn't happened. The dogs shed terribly. The hair needs to be vacuumed daily. They don't practice it at home and don't do it here, even after being told the dog hair is everywhere in my house.

We are 70 and active, but a lot of cleaning must be done when they leave. I especially don't like it around food. I told my husband I have decided to tell them they can no longer bring their dogs here. He goes around and tries to clean up after them so I won't get upset instead of letting them take responsibility. He says he's afraid they will quit coming.

Abby, they don't pick up after themselves at all. In their home, clothes are thrown everywhere on the floor. They are in their 40s and should know better. I feel they have no respect for us or the way we choose to live. Must I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace, like my husband says? I told him to speak up, but he won't. This is physically and emotionally wearing on me. -- DRAINED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DRAINED: How your daughter and son-in-law choose to live in their own home is their business, as long as the disarray doesn't endanger the health of their children. Because you agreed to let them bring their dogs over on the condition that they vacuum up any hair their animals shed and they failed to comply, you are within your rights to tell them their pets must be left at home. Your house, your conditions. Messy grandchildren, yes. Messy dogs, no.

DEAR ABBY: I recently had a baby. Two of my friends became mothers five and nine months ago. We are all first-time stay-at-home moms, which has been great except they constantly offer unwanted advice every time I see them and try to come off like they're experts. I agree that they sometimes offer helpful advice, but it's getting old because I'm becoming confident in my parenting skills and judgment. How do I politely let them know that if I want advice, I'll ask for it? -- UNWANTED ADVICE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TENNESSEE: Do it by first acknowledging them for being such good friends and wanting to be helpful. Then add that, as you have told me, you are now more confident with your own parenting skills and would prefer they wait to be asked before offering any more unsolicited advice.

DEAR ABBY: I will be having surgery soon to alleviate the embarrassing symptoms of bowel incontinence. I have a great doctor and family support. When nosy people ask why I am going to the hospital, I want to say, "None of your business," or "Be glad you don't have this problem." Neither response seems appropriate. Any suggestions? -- SHY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SHY: A certain amount of curiosity is normal. If someone asks why you are going to the hospital, all you need to say is, "I'm having a procedure." However, if the person is insensitive and pushes you to be more specific, your response should be, "It's personal." Period.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15. I lost my dad two months ago. I found him when I got out of the shower. He had overdosed on heroin.

Heroin controlled Dad's life ever since I was little, but that never stopped me from being me. My family has had it pretty rough, but that never stopped me from being me, either.

I can't process the thought of losing my dad completely. I'm scared without him. The mental picture comes back to me randomly throughout the day. I can't take it anymore. I know he's at peace now, but I still feel like it's my fault that he's dead because I took a shower and wasn't with him. I feel like it should have been me, not him. He had just gotten out of jail a month before he died.

I can't keep crying myself to sleep. I need a way to cope and right now I feel like I'm at rock bottom and can't return. I just want to be normal like the kids I go to school with. Why can't I be a normal teen? -- ROCK BOTTOM TEEN

DEAR ROCK BOTTOM: I am so sorry for what you have been going through. You are a normal teen, and in my opinion, you are much more resilient than you think you are.

You have had a terrible shock, and in addition to the normal grieving process, you may be suffering from survivor guilt. Your father did not die because you took a shower. He died because he had a heroin addiction he couldn't conquer.

It is very important that you talk with a grief counselor and possibly join a grief support group. If your family can't arrange counseling for you, please talk with a school counselor or your clergyperson. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and you'll start seeing it once you get some professional help.

DEAR ABBY: I've been reading your column for years, but never thought I'd have to write to you. This year my aunt hosted a family dinner and did a wonderful job -- everything was delicious. There was only one problem. She was upset (everyone at the table could see it and feel the tension) because I ate "too much" meat and she didn't have enough for leftovers.

I did eat more than everyone else that night (doesn't happen often), but I say if the food is on the table, it's fair game. If you don't want people to eat it, don't serve it. I'm asking for an official ruling, please. -- OVERATE IN BUFFALO

DEAR OVERATE: A gracious host or hostess should not become upset if a guest eats the food that's presented. If the host or hostess doesn't want guests to polish off everything that has been prepared, the food should be plated in advance.