life

Teen Struggles After Heroin Addiction Claims Dad's Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 28th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15. I lost my dad two months ago. I found him when I got out of the shower. He had overdosed on heroin.

Heroin controlled Dad's life ever since I was little, but that never stopped me from being me. My family has had it pretty rough, but that never stopped me from being me, either.

I can't process the thought of losing my dad completely. I'm scared without him. The mental picture comes back to me randomly throughout the day. I can't take it anymore. I know he's at peace now, but I still feel like it's my fault that he's dead because I took a shower and wasn't with him. I feel like it should have been me, not him. He had just gotten out of jail a month before he died.

I can't keep crying myself to sleep. I need a way to cope and right now I feel like I'm at rock bottom and can't return. I just want to be normal like the kids I go to school with. Why can't I be a normal teen? -- ROCK BOTTOM TEEN

DEAR ROCK BOTTOM: I am so sorry for what you have been going through. You are a normal teen, and in my opinion, you are much more resilient than you think you are.

You have had a terrible shock, and in addition to the normal grieving process, you may be suffering from survivor guilt. Your father did not die because you took a shower. He died because he had a heroin addiction he couldn't conquer.

It is very important that you talk with a grief counselor and possibly join a grief support group. If your family can't arrange counseling for you, please talk with a school counselor or your clergyperson. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and you'll start seeing it once you get some professional help.

AddictionDeathTeens
life

Guest Contends That Food on the Table Is There to Be Eaten

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 28th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I've been reading your column for years, but never thought I'd have to write to you. This year my aunt hosted a family dinner and did a wonderful job -- everything was delicious. There was only one problem. She was upset (everyone at the table could see it and feel the tension) because I ate "too much" meat and she didn't have enough for leftovers.

I did eat more than everyone else that night (doesn't happen often), but I say if the food is on the table, it's fair game. If you don't want people to eat it, don't serve it. I'm asking for an official ruling, please. -- OVERATE IN BUFFALO

DEAR OVERATE: A gracious host or hostess should not become upset if a guest eats the food that's presented. If the host or hostess doesn't want guests to polish off everything that has been prepared, the food should be plated in advance.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Classmate Won't Stop Bullying Despite Pleas From Her Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 27th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing because I see a lot of bullying going on at school. One of the bullies is a friend of mine and I've asked her to stop, but she doesn't listen. How I can get through to her so she understands that she's hurting someone's feelings? She treats people like they don't have feelings, like they are non-human. If you can't answer this letter, I'll understand, but if you find the time, I would greatly appreciate it. -- NOT A BULLY IN INDIANA

DEAR NOT A BULLY: People bully others for a variety of reasons. Among them, because they are angry and enjoy taking it out on others, because they themselves have been bullied, because it gives them a sense of power, or simply because they enjoy it. Not knowing your "friend," I can't guess what's driving her behavior. I suggest that you ask her what her reason is and after you hear her answer, you re-evaluate whether to distance yourself from her because, with bullies, the target can change and no one is safe.

Friends & NeighborsWork & School
life

Mom Objects to Lax Rules at Grandparents' House

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 27th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: We set limits on our son's screen time at home. My mother-in-law lets him have quite a bit more screen time when he visits her. My husband thinks grandparents should have the right to determine everything about how they treat and care for their grandchildren. What do you think? -- MOTHER IN BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR MOTHER: I think grandparents should respect the rules that parents set for their children because there are usually good reasons for them. I also think that for your in-laws to ignore your wishes as they have been doing is disrespectful, and your husband should consider that before concluding that his parents have the right to ignore them.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Mystery Surrounds Save-the-Date Card From Unknown Couple

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 27th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A couple of months ago my husband and I received a very nice "save the date" for a wedding in August in a town nearby. There were many nice photos of the engaged couple on the card. The problem is, we have no idea who they are.

We called our families to ask if they had received one too, thinking maybe it was a long-lost relative. I even went so far as checking social media, thinking we might have friends in common, but we don't. I'm hoping the actual invitation may offer more clues, but I don't think it will.

While this was clearly addressed to us, my fear is that it was intended for someone else who may not be "saving the date" and it may cause some tension within their family. What would be proper when the invitation arrives? Do I check "will not attend" and send it back, or should I include a note with an explanation? -- SAVE THE DATE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SAVE THE DATE: You are a nice person. A simple "regret that we cannot attend" should be sufficient and by all means include the note.

Etiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations
life

While Wife's Sex Drive Races, Husband Is Stuck in Neutral

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 26th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I've been married almost four years. My husband and I are both barely 40, still quite young, but we have sex only once or twice a month. Our relationship is great, and we love each other. I just wish we had sex more often. I've told him I would like more, but it stays the same.

When we talked about past relationships, he mentioned women hounding him to have sex, so I don't think it's me. I don't want to cheat, but I'm afraid I eventually will if my needs are not met. I don't want to leave him, but I don't want an almost sexless marriage.

He's a very masculine man, so I don't know how to ask him to go to the doctor to get something to increase his sex drive. Should I do that? Or should I get things to supplement our sex, like toys? -- NEEDS MORE IN FLORIDA

DEAR NEEDS MORE: You appear to have married a very masculine man who has a very low sex drive or who may be borderline asexual. If marital aids would help you, by all means get some. You should also have a frank talk with your husband and suggest he consult his physician about the discrepancy in your sex drives.

Marriage counseling might help to improve your level of communication, but if none of the above work, you will have to decide if you are prepared to live with the situation as it is.

Sex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Grandma Gets an Eyeful Reading Daughter-in-Law's Twitter Postings

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 26th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I just stumbled upon my daughter-in-law's Twitter account. She has posted half-naked pictures, talked about all the drinks she was consuming, and said that if she didn't have a child, she'd be gone. The language she used would make a sailor blush.

I baby-sit for her, and I was shocked, to say the least. I foolishly posted a shocked cat on Facebook, stating that "this is me reading your Twitter account."

My son is now upset with me that I read her Twitter posts. I am not sure he had seen them. I saved them on my computer, which he picked up when he was here and ran through my history.

I know I didn't handle this the right way, but she was saying she starts drinking at 7 a.m., and that "moonshine wasn't working anymore." I am truly concerned about the baby. What can I do to repair this situation? -- SHOCKED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR SHOCKED: If that post was public, then anyone could see it. Your son may be embarrassed that you saw how dysfunctional his marriage is, and that's why he is misdirecting his anger toward you rather than where it belongs.

If your daughter-in-law is drinking from the moment she wakes up, she's in no condition to be caring for a baby. If she is using something stronger, you need to remind your son that the child's welfare must come first. If your statement is ignored, you will have to decide whether to involve child protective services.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting

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