DEAR ABBY: My wife of 43 years died nine months ago after losing her four-year battle with cancer. I met a woman who had also experienced tragedy in her life, and we started seeing each other casually. When my wife's three sisters found out, I became the outcast. Why do people think there is a set time to grieve? Life is too short to sit and pine. Memories will always be there.

This woman has brought me out of my depression and sorrow. I can't understand how people I thought cared for me could be so mean. I was told by the pastor and hospice counselor that grieving takes time, but what is enough time? I was also told to look at the marriages of these women. When I did, I realized that they were unhappy in their unions and probably don't want anyone else to be happy. So what do I do now? -- OUTCAST IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR OUTCAST: You have had more than four years to grieve your late wife's illness and death. Now go on with your life and don't look back.

There's a story in the book of Genesis about a man named Lot, whose wife looked back during the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and was turned into a pillar of salt. What I take from the story is that sometimes it isn't healthy for people to spend a lot of time looking backward, because if you do, you too can become "frozen" and unable to move forward with your life.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers, "Bob," has the same bad habit as I do -- smoking. (I know smoking isn't good for me and I have tried to quit several times. One day I will, but not just yet.)

Bob has been bumming cigarettes from me two to three times a day, five days a week, since I started here over a year ago. He's always asking me or another co-worker. He never buys his own. Strike that! He has bought two cartons about eight months apart to "thank me" for giving him cigarettes, but in the end, I smoked only one pack total out of both cartons. It's like he gave them to me so I could ration them to him.

My problem is, Bob is the vice president of the company, and I'm the receptionist. There's a huge salary gap between our positions. How can I respectfully tell him I can no longer afford his habit and mine, and that he should support his own habit?

I have tried to think of different ways to say it, but our cultures are different as well, and I don't want to come across as disrespectful and end up not getting promoted -- or worse, lose my job. -- TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IN SUGAR LAND, TEXAS

DEAR TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF: Sometimes what we regard as a problem is actually an opportunity. Because you feel that refusing to be your boss' supplier could jeopardize your job, the safest way to handle this would be for you to quit smoking now.

Talk to your doctor (who will be thrilled, I'm sure) about a nicotine withdrawal system to help ease you through the withdrawal. Then, when Mr. VP asks to bum his next cigarette, give him a smile along with the good news that you're kicking your addiction and suggest he join you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 16-year-old stepdaughter, "Candy." My wife recently discovered three bottles of liquor in the car Candy drives. When confronted, she told my wife the booze was for an upcoming party. We grounded her.

My wife called her ex-husband to tell him their daughter is grounded and he would have to pick her up on his visitation weekend, as she won't be driving. He then informed my wife he was the one who bought her the booze! I'm dumbfounded and don't know how to handle this. Please advise. -- SHOCKED IN HOUSTON

DEAR SHOCKED: Candy is only 16, so she can be forgiven her lapse in judgment. Her father is old enough to know better than to hand over bottles of alcohol to his minor child. In the state of Texas, he has violated the law. The legal age for consumption or possession of alcohol is 21, with few exceptions. If you are smart, you will stay out of it. Your wife and her ex should discuss this and reach an agreement about how this will be handled in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to share a positive experience I hope will help others. It's what a relief divorce can be.

I was miserable married to my husband. I used to hear people on the radio talk about their beloved husband or wife, and my heart would twist with regret that I never felt that way. I spent years almost numb because I was lying to myself about my marriage. I spent years reading books on how to improve our relationship, years going to workshops. Nothing changed.

I was always walking on eggshells waiting for him to yell. I didn't trust my husband to be kind to me, and frankly, I don't think he ever loved me.

After much therapy and a lot of very hard work, I finally got out of the relationship. I thank God every day for my freedom. Sometimes I'm so happy being by myself reading a book or making my own plans that I feel I'm going to burst with joy. My days are precious to me now. For me, divorce has been an awakening. -- PATRICIA IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR PATRICIA: While divorce can be therapeutic, it isn't the answer for everyone. Because you were married to an angry, abusive man, it's for the best that you finally ended the marriage. I can't help feeling that what you did was a positive step for both of you.

DEAR ABBY: When we go to church with our daughters, ages 9 and 11, we are greeted at the door by an usher in his 70s. He has told our 9-year-old several times that he's going to marry her when she grows up. She doesn't know what to say. My husband and I don't like it. What should we do? -- DUMBSTRUCK IN THE EAST

DEAR DUMBSTRUCK: Tell the usher privately that his comment is not appreciated. Discuss it with the minister afterward, if necessary. Your daughter is a nice girl, but I wouldn't blame her if she told him, "If you're still alive and breathing by the time I'm grown up, I'll consider it."

DEAR ABBY: More than 10,000 baby boomers in the U.S. turn 65 every day, and enter the "age of risk" for Alzheimer's disease. I have witnessed the devastating effects of this disease in my work as a neurologist, as a clinical researcher, and sadly, in my own family.

The good news is that we are now starting prevention trials to try to stop memory loss before it begins! The A4 (Anti-Amyloid Treatment in Asymptomatic Alzheimer's) Study is the first clinical trial designed for people who have the earliest signs of Alzheimer's disease beginning in the brain, but don't yet have any symptoms of the disease. The A4 Study is enrolling healthy 65- to 85-year-olds across the country who may be at risk for memory loss due to Alzheimer's disease.

I feel a new sense of hope, but we really need volunteers to join us. Our motto for the A4 Study is "Now is the time," and now really is the time to make a difference in defeating Alzheimer's disease. I hope your readers who are interested will call (toll-free) (844) 247-8839 or visit A4study.org to receive more information or to join us. -- REISA SPERLING, M.D., PROJECT DIRECTOR, HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL

DEAR DR. SPERLING: I'm pleased to alert my readers to your clinical trial. Living to a "ripe old age" can be a mixed blessing because the older we get, the greater the likelihood of Alzheimer's disease entering the picture.

Readers, Dr. Sperling is looking for subjects with a family history of Alzheimer's disease or who, through prescreening, have been discovered to have amyloid plaques forming in the brain. There are more than 65 study sites throughout the U.S. and several in Canada, so you may be able to find a location near you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been somewhat taken aback by two retirement party invitations I received lately. Both require an "entrance fee" of $15 to $20. I have never heard of or experienced something like this before. When I retired from teaching 10 years ago, I held my own retirement party at my home. I supplied the food and beverages and requested "no gifts, please."

Is there a new custom that requires people to pay an admission price to a party? If someone pays to go to the party, is he/she also expected to bring a gift? Honestly, I'm a little put off being asked to pay to celebrate my friends' retirements. Should I be, or is this an appropriate request? -- WONDERING IN OHIO

DEAR WONDERING: I don't blame you for feeling put off. I don't know who is supposedly giving the parties for your friends, but if you're being asked to pay for your food and beverages, it appears that no host is. If you pay to attend these parties, your presence should be your gift. And if you choose not to go, I wouldn't blame you.