DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I plan to be married next year. I met her after she left her husband because he had cheated on her twice. She refuses to tell her daughters that she left their dad because he cheated, so I am doomed to be the "bad guy" for eternity. They think I'm "the man who stole Mama from Daddy." Her youngest (age 25) thinks I'm the devil incarnate and is unbelievably rude to me, no matter who is around. I'm thinking marriage will be hell because she and her mother interact every day. What am I to do? -- BLAMELESS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR BLAMELESS: This is not a question of what "you" should do. It's a question of what you and your fiancee should do together. While it may not be necessary for her to tell her adult daughters that their father was a cheater, and that's the reason she left him, she should definitely call a family meeting and clear the air by telling them that you were not the reason the marriage ended. She should also insist that you be treated with respect -- if not affection.

However, if she's unwilling to do that, then you should seriously consider calling off the wedding because a marriage under those conditions would be miserable for you. Her daughters would guarantee it.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Another Husband in Oregon" (Sept. 3) who wondered about the "man cave" behavior he had observed in his neighbors. I can tell you from personal experience that the appeal of spending long hours working on mechanical things in a garage or workshop in total solitude is strong for many men. Regarding the guy who rebuilt an antique truck from the ground up, if you go to any car show featuring restored cars, you can't help but admire the time, energy, skill and commitment some men put into a restoration. These can be works of art.

Balance is very important to a successful marriage. Before a wife complains about too much time spent in the "cave" (and not all do complain), she should consider the upside. He is safe, he's not blowing family money in a bar or at a blackjack table, and he's not chasing other women. And he just may be creating something unique that will give him great pride and satisfaction. -- PAUL IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PAUL: When I put the question about "garaged husbands" out to my readers, they were forthcoming with their views. The responses -- predominantly from men, but also some of their wives -- were overwhelmingly positive.

While the theory of spending too much time in the garage as a result of being "frozen out of the bedroom" was raised, most readers affirmed the value of having separate time from a spouse -- as long as it is only "spare" time. Wives wrote that it enables them to catch up on reading, shopping, a project with the kids or grandkids, or watch a favorite TV show or movie.

Both spouses extolled the results produced in the "cave" -- restored vintage cars, woodworking items and various repairs. Visiting is permitted, and there's learning to be had for the kids. And, as a number of readers reminded us, "At least you know where he is."

DEAR ABBY: My husband's nephew, "Jacob," is 25 and always hanging around our house. He has had a hard time over the last four years. First, his mom committed suicide. Two years later his dad died in his sleep.

My husband and I told Jacob we would be there when he needed advice about things. Well, he recently broke up with his longtime girlfriend, and he's here at my house every day -- even days he's not working. He calls every afternoon to see what I'm cooking and expects to eat here every night. He also expects me to drop what I'm doing to go and clean his house and wash his clothes.

I'm disabled, so it's a struggle just to feed my husband and myself. He also sleeps here on the weekends if he doesn't work. My husband and I no longer have any alone time because he's always here.

I have tried to tell Jacob nicely that he needs his own life, but the message isn't getting through. I know he has issues with being alone. He has never learned to be by himself. My husband is starting to get angry about the situation and wants me to "handle" it, but my words are not working. If my husband decides to say something, it will end up in a heated argument.

How can I get through to this kid without hurting him? I do love him and try to treat him like one of my own kids. -- UPSET AUNT

DEAR AUNT: Talk to Jacob again. This time do it in plain English. Your nephew's dependence on you has persisted for too long, and for everyone's sake it needs to stop. If you haven't suggested grief counseling for him, you should. Explain that you love him, but you and your husband need time to be alone together. Point out that if he's unable to do his own housecleaning and laundry, he should hire someone. Do not feel guilty for speaking up. You have done more than enough for Jacob over the last few years, and for him to expect you to cook for him every night and weekend is over the top.

DEAR ABBY: My husband quit chewing tobacco, but now he chews gum constantly, three pieces at a time. If he's not asleep or eating, his jaw is moving. He chews it aggressively, rolls it around in his mouth while talking, so that it looks bad and is irritating.

He works with the public, and I'm embarrassed for him because I believe it's bad manners to chew gum in that manner. I don't know how to approach him. Please advise as to how I can help him. -- EMBARRASSED FOR HIM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your husband chews the way he does because he is trying to ease the pangs of withdrawal from his nicotine addiction. Because what he's doing is unsightly, suggest he discuss it with his doctor to see if there are other options such as a nicotine patch to help him over the hump. And be sure to tell him how proud you are of his determination to quit.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently started disclosing to close friends and family that I am asexual (someone who experiences no sexual attraction to any person). For the most part they have been supportive, but my mother and one of my friends are having trouble accepting it. I have told them I do not want children and that I am repulsed by the thought of sexual intercourse, but my mother acts like if I don't have children, I won't be as welcome. She even suggested that I could marry a gay man, so sex wouldn't be an issue. And my friend continues to pressure me into dating, saying I "just haven't met the right one yet."

Abby, I have no clue how to maintain contact with them, as they seem unwilling to let my sexual identity be my business. -- AN ACE IN A HOLE

DEAR ACE: Your sexual identity became their business the minute you told them you were asexual. The problem is that your friend and your mother do not understand what asexuality is -- and many people don't. Please tell your mother for me that marrying a gay man is not the answer because HE may want a sex life, something to which he is entitled, by the way. As to your friend, she's well-meaning I'm sure, but misguided.

You are who you are. You're not going to change, and you should not be punished for it. Please try not to be defensive because this is your chance to educate. Answer their questions with patience and kindness and do not let yourself be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into doing anything you are not comfortable with.

DEAR ABBY: After my daughter Jenna's father tried to strangle me in a drunken rage one night, I took her and left. Years later, we are on good terms. I have legal custody. He sends financial support and visits about once a month. My finances, however, are not great.

Because we are not in touch with his extended family, I was surprised when he told me his sister wants Jenna to be a flower girl in her destination wedding. I'm not comfortable sending her alone with her father because of his history of alcohol abuse (which his sister is unaware of). I am not financially able to take her myself.

Is there a solution I'm overlooking? Am I callous for thinking she just wants a cute child as an accessory to her wedding party? -- MOTHER OF THE FLOWER GIRL

DEAR MOTHER: Without knowing your former partner's sister, it would be unfair of me to guess her reason for wanting your daughter in her wedding. However, if your ex is still drinking, you are absolutely right that Jenna should not be traveling with him. Perhaps he would be willing to pay for both of you to be there.

DEAR ABBY: I have an interesting question for you. Is it sexual harassment if a female supervisor at work calls a male employee "Honey"? -- PETER IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR PETER: If that's all there is to it, I doubt it would be considered sexual harassment. However, if you are the employee being called "Honey," because it bothers you, tell your employer privately that it makes you uncomfortable and you prefer being addressed by your given name.