DEAR ABBY: My husband's nephew, "Jacob," is 25 and always hanging around our house. He has had a hard time over the last four years. First, his mom committed suicide. Two years later his dad died in his sleep.

My husband and I told Jacob we would be there when he needed advice about things. Well, he recently broke up with his longtime girlfriend, and he's here at my house every day -- even days he's not working. He calls every afternoon to see what I'm cooking and expects to eat here every night. He also expects me to drop what I'm doing to go and clean his house and wash his clothes.

I'm disabled, so it's a struggle just to feed my husband and myself. He also sleeps here on the weekends if he doesn't work. My husband and I no longer have any alone time because he's always here.

I have tried to tell Jacob nicely that he needs his own life, but the message isn't getting through. I know he has issues with being alone. He has never learned to be by himself. My husband is starting to get angry about the situation and wants me to "handle" it, but my words are not working. If my husband decides to say something, it will end up in a heated argument.

How can I get through to this kid without hurting him? I do love him and try to treat him like one of my own kids. -- UPSET AUNT

DEAR AUNT: Talk to Jacob again. This time do it in plain English. Your nephew's dependence on you has persisted for too long, and for everyone's sake it needs to stop. If you haven't suggested grief counseling for him, you should. Explain that you love him, but you and your husband need time to be alone together. Point out that if he's unable to do his own housecleaning and laundry, he should hire someone. Do not feel guilty for speaking up. You have done more than enough for Jacob over the last few years, and for him to expect you to cook for him every night and weekend is over the top.

DEAR ABBY: My husband quit chewing tobacco, but now he chews gum constantly, three pieces at a time. If he's not asleep or eating, his jaw is moving. He chews it aggressively, rolls it around in his mouth while talking, so that it looks bad and is irritating.

He works with the public, and I'm embarrassed for him because I believe it's bad manners to chew gum in that manner. I don't know how to approach him. Please advise as to how I can help him. -- EMBARRASSED FOR HIM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your husband chews the way he does because he is trying to ease the pangs of withdrawal from his nicotine addiction. Because what he's doing is unsightly, suggest he discuss it with his doctor to see if there are other options such as a nicotine patch to help him over the hump. And be sure to tell him how proud you are of his determination to quit.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently started disclosing to close friends and family that I am asexual (someone who experiences no sexual attraction to any person). For the most part they have been supportive, but my mother and one of my friends are having trouble accepting it. I have told them I do not want children and that I am repulsed by the thought of sexual intercourse, but my mother acts like if I don't have children, I won't be as welcome. She even suggested that I could marry a gay man, so sex wouldn't be an issue. And my friend continues to pressure me into dating, saying I "just haven't met the right one yet."

Abby, I have no clue how to maintain contact with them, as they seem unwilling to let my sexual identity be my business. -- AN ACE IN A HOLE

DEAR ACE: Your sexual identity became their business the minute you told them you were asexual. The problem is that your friend and your mother do not understand what asexuality is -- and many people don't. Please tell your mother for me that marrying a gay man is not the answer because HE may want a sex life, something to which he is entitled, by the way. As to your friend, she's well-meaning I'm sure, but misguided.

You are who you are. You're not going to change, and you should not be punished for it. Please try not to be defensive because this is your chance to educate. Answer their questions with patience and kindness and do not let yourself be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into doing anything you are not comfortable with.

DEAR ABBY: After my daughter Jenna's father tried to strangle me in a drunken rage one night, I took her and left. Years later, we are on good terms. I have legal custody. He sends financial support and visits about once a month. My finances, however, are not great.

Because we are not in touch with his extended family, I was surprised when he told me his sister wants Jenna to be a flower girl in her destination wedding. I'm not comfortable sending her alone with her father because of his history of alcohol abuse (which his sister is unaware of). I am not financially able to take her myself.

Is there a solution I'm overlooking? Am I callous for thinking she just wants a cute child as an accessory to her wedding party? -- MOTHER OF THE FLOWER GIRL

DEAR MOTHER: Without knowing your former partner's sister, it would be unfair of me to guess her reason for wanting your daughter in her wedding. However, if your ex is still drinking, you are absolutely right that Jenna should not be traveling with him. Perhaps he would be willing to pay for both of you to be there.

DEAR ABBY: I have an interesting question for you. Is it sexual harassment if a female supervisor at work calls a male employee "Honey"? -- PETER IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR PETER: If that's all there is to it, I doubt it would be considered sexual harassment. However, if you are the employee being called "Honey," because it bothers you, tell your employer privately that it makes you uncomfortable and you prefer being addressed by your given name.

DEAR ABBY: Because I had a promiscuous past prior to getting married, it was understandable that my husband and I have gone through some rough patches. It's been three years since our wedding, and he still can't let it go sometimes. A recent argument just escalated into his calling me a whore and stupid. We have a beautiful little girl together, so it's not like I can just up and go whenever I want.

When is enough, enough? Where is the point that I can give in to the thought that I can't do it anymore? Or is this just what marriage is? We have already done counseling, and it just made it worse. I feel really alone, so can you please give me some feedback? -- ROUGH PATCH

DEAR ROUGH PATCH: If your husband knew about your promiscuous past when he married you, he has no right to throw it at you when he's angry. That's fighting dirty, and it never resolves the issue at hand. You are neither a whore nor stupid, and this is NOT what marriage is supposed to be. Good husbands build their partner's self-esteem; they don't undercut it the way yours is doing, because it is abusive.

Since the counseling you had didn't work, you must now decide whether you need to try again with a different therapist or talk to a lawyer. If I were living like this, I know what I would do, but the only person who can decide what's best for you and your daughter is you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with a bachelor for 30 years. Over the past year we have had a problem with him that is seriously straining our friendship. When he uses the bathroom in our home, he leaves a terrible mess. There's urine all over the toilet and a large puddle on the bathroom floor. The last time he was here, it was obvious he had stepped in it and tracked it around as he left the room! I'm extremely upset and angry.

In addition, it's obvious he doesn't wash his hands, as the sink and soap are bone-dry. I don't want him to come over anymore. My husband wants me to be more forgiving. We're both too embarrassed to say anything to him. Should we stop being his friend, or have a frank talk? He is oblivious and continues to contact us and wants to visit. We either put him off or try to arrange to meet him elsewhere. It is becoming unbearable. -- DISGUSTED IN LOUISIANA

DEAR DISGUSTED: It would be a shame to throw away a 30-year friendship without trying to save it. Could there be a physical problem that has caused this change in your longtime friend -- a bladder problem, or one with his eyesight?

You are all adults, and longtime friends should be able to speak frankly with each other. Because your husband is closer to him than you are, he's the one who needs to talk to him "man to man" and point out the fact that there is a problem and then ask what might be wrong.