life

Angry Daughter-in-Law May Want More Free Baby-Sitting

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 20th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is extremely jealous of the close relationship I have with my daughter. If I spend time with my daughter and grandson, she gets mad at me and keeps my grandchildren from me. I need advice on how to handle her. I get her children almost every weekend. I work a full-time job, but she feels like I should have them more. -- GRANDMA IN GEORGIA

DEAR GRANDMA: I don't think your daughter-in-law is necessarily jealous of the close relationship you have with your daughter. But it may be that she wants more free baby-sitting service. You say you have her children almost every weekend. That hardly seems to me like she's keeping them from you.

Remind her that working a full-time job and taking care of her children the amount of time you already do is as much as you can handle, and that you need time with your daughter and her son. There are only so many hours in a day, and you need time to rest if you're going to go the distance. If that's not enough for her, so be it. If she chooses to punish you for it, it is her children who will also suffer -- not just you.

Family & Parenting
life

Teacher Has Trouble Laughing Off Ribbing About His Name

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 20th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I live in a small town in Pennsylvania, where I teach fifth grade and coach at the local school. I love my job and feel lucky to be teaching next door to my mentor.

The problem is there's another teacher and a student with whom I share the same name. I can't help but feel discouraged when colleagues and students refer to me as "Junior ( )" or "Fake ( )" and make jokes about it on a daily basis. I try to laugh it off, but it does get to me. I feel I should be respected because I am a professional. Is there a better way to handle this so it doesn't negatively affect my day? -- FRUSTRATED TEACHER

DEAR FRUSTRATED: The people who do this may think they're hilariously funny, but when students do it, it is disrespectful. Tell them you would prefer to be addressed as "Mr. (first initial of your last name)."

As for your colleagues, remind them that you are an adult now, nothing about you is fake -- and give yourself a nickname more acceptable than "Junior." Do it with humor. If they slip up, keep reminding them, and eventually it will catch on.

Work & School
life

Old Friend's Return Sparks Hope and Uncertainty

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 20th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 50s and disabled. I am also the full-time caregiver for my parents. I live with them because they are also disabled and need my help.

An old friend has moved back to the area. I care very much for her, but I'm afraid I have nothing to offer her because I don't have my own place or make a lot being on Social Security. I'm hesitant to get close to her because all I have is the way I feel about her. Advice? -- NEEDING GUIDANCE IN IOWA

DEAR NEEDING GUIDANCE: I do have a nugget of advice for you: I think you should be honest. The way you feel about this woman could be enough for her. Whether you have anything to offer is something SHE should be allowed to decide rather than you doing it for her. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

MoneyLove & Dating
life

Late to Bed and Late to Rise Makes Mom and Kids Tardy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 19th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I will be spending a couple of months visiting my daughter, who is a single mom. She has asked me to help her wake her 8- and 11-year-old kids in the morning and have them ready for school.

Unfortunately, she works some distance away from her home. The kids attend private school and are involved in sports. The problem is, they eat and go to bed later than they should. In the morning, they can't wake up or get out of bed. She reminds them repeatedly to get ready, but when it's time to leave and they're not dressed or haven't eaten breakfast, my daughter begins raising her voice. Leaving late means the kids arrive at school late, and my daughter is late for work.

I'm leaving in a couple of weeks and need some guidance on how to approach this no-win situation. -- RISE AND SHINE IN MAINE

DEAR RISE AND SHINE: I'm surprised the teachers haven't complained about your grandchildren's constant tardiness, or that your daughter's boss hasn't warned her about her constant lateness. It's time you and your daughter had a private chat.

As you have stated, your grandchildren are going to bed so late it's interfering not only with their school schedule, but their mother's work schedule. The obvious solution would be for her to get the kids to bed at an earlier hour, with lights off and no electronics. You can enforce it while you are there, but unless your daughter is willing to continue to do that, nothing will change.

Work & SchoolFamily & Parenting
life

First Come, First Served Is Unwritten Rule at Apartment House Gym

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 19th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: For the past five years, I have been using the (very small!) exercise room in my apartment complex every day after work. It's an important part of my routine. A couple of weeks ago, a new girl started coming into the exercise room shortly after I start my workout (it's a little crowded, but no problem).

Last week, she started coming in just a few minutes before I get there. She puts her TV show on (very loudly), uses the machine I always use, and when I walk in at my usual time, I must use an old machine I don't like and watch her horrible show.

I have lived here longer and feel I have earned my time in the gym, and she is being sneaky by coming in just before I do. I cannot come in earlier since I get there as soon as I get off work.

I'm tempted to exert my seniority! I feel wronged, even though I know it's not my personal gym. Is there anything I can do when I feel snubbed like this? -- WORKED UP (NOT OUT) IN OHIO

DEAR WORKED UP: One of the sometimes unwritten rules of gyms is that the person who arrives first gets to choose which machine to use and whatever television show he or she prefers. If you can't make it in before the new girl arrives, then you will have to adjust your schedule and come in later when she's out of there, or reach a compromise with her. Sorry.

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Bride Wants Wedding Guests to Check Politics at the Door

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 18th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are getting married in a year. We have some very close gay friends, and I have gay family members on my mom's side. The majority of our family is gay-friendly, but a few of them on my father's side are very open about their dislike of the LGBT community.

Our ceremony will be at a Unitarian Universalist church because we love that they are supportive of the LGBT community and want everyone to feel comfortable and accepted on our big day. I'm terrified that my family members will do or say something to hurt or offend guests at our wedding who have same-sex partners.

I am considering putting a note on my wedding website that our wedding will be a celebration of love, and to please set aside political and personal beliefs and accept every one of our guests during this happy occasion. Would this be appropriate? I don't know how else to convey the message that we will not tolerate any hateful or offensive remarks or actions against our loved ones. -- BRIDE FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY

DEAR BRIDE: Do not post that message on your website. Your message should be delivered via a telephone conversation with the people you think may have a problem. A way to phrase it would be to tell them you are planning your wedding and that some of the guests in attendance will be same-sex couples. Ask if this would make them uncomfortable, and if the answer is yes, do not invite them.

Etiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Edited Obituary Lists Different Charities

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 18th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My darling husband recently passed away. It's a sad time for all of us. I wrote his obituary for our local paper and included the names of charitable causes, requesting donations be sent to them in lieu of flowers.

I sent the obituary to my husband's mother and sister who live out of state, in case they wanted to publish it in their local paper in the town where he grew up. They did, but changed the charities to ones of their choice. They didn't tell me they were doing it or ask my opinion. I found out only when I saw his obituary online.

I am extremely upset, especially because one of the causes they listed is a hospital I feel contributed to my husband's early death. What is the etiquette in this situation? Was it acceptable for them to make that change? Should I say something, or should I let it go? -- WOUNDED WIDOW IN TEXAS

DEAR WOUNDED WIDOW: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. You have every right to be upset that his obituary was altered. What his mother and sister did was wrong. They should not have changed it without your permission.

By all means, tell them how you feel about what they did, and that you feel the care your husband received at that hospital contributed to his early death. Had they consulted you as they should have, they would have known better.

Etiquette & EthicsDeath

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