life

Late to Bed and Late to Rise Makes Mom and Kids Tardy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 19th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I will be spending a couple of months visiting my daughter, who is a single mom. She has asked me to help her wake her 8- and 11-year-old kids in the morning and have them ready for school.

Unfortunately, she works some distance away from her home. The kids attend private school and are involved in sports. The problem is, they eat and go to bed later than they should. In the morning, they can't wake up or get out of bed. She reminds them repeatedly to get ready, but when it's time to leave and they're not dressed or haven't eaten breakfast, my daughter begins raising her voice. Leaving late means the kids arrive at school late, and my daughter is late for work.

I'm leaving in a couple of weeks and need some guidance on how to approach this no-win situation. -- RISE AND SHINE IN MAINE

DEAR RISE AND SHINE: I'm surprised the teachers haven't complained about your grandchildren's constant tardiness, or that your daughter's boss hasn't warned her about her constant lateness. It's time you and your daughter had a private chat.

As you have stated, your grandchildren are going to bed so late it's interfering not only with their school schedule, but their mother's work schedule. The obvious solution would be for her to get the kids to bed at an earlier hour, with lights off and no electronics. You can enforce it while you are there, but unless your daughter is willing to continue to do that, nothing will change.

Work & SchoolFamily & Parenting
life

First Come, First Served Is Unwritten Rule at Apartment House Gym

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 19th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: For the past five years, I have been using the (very small!) exercise room in my apartment complex every day after work. It's an important part of my routine. A couple of weeks ago, a new girl started coming into the exercise room shortly after I start my workout (it's a little crowded, but no problem).

Last week, she started coming in just a few minutes before I get there. She puts her TV show on (very loudly), uses the machine I always use, and when I walk in at my usual time, I must use an old machine I don't like and watch her horrible show.

I have lived here longer and feel I have earned my time in the gym, and she is being sneaky by coming in just before I do. I cannot come in earlier since I get there as soon as I get off work.

I'm tempted to exert my seniority! I feel wronged, even though I know it's not my personal gym. Is there anything I can do when I feel snubbed like this? -- WORKED UP (NOT OUT) IN OHIO

DEAR WORKED UP: One of the sometimes unwritten rules of gyms is that the person who arrives first gets to choose which machine to use and whatever television show he or she prefers. If you can't make it in before the new girl arrives, then you will have to adjust your schedule and come in later when she's out of there, or reach a compromise with her. Sorry.

Etiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety
life

Bride Wants Wedding Guests to Check Politics at the Door

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 18th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are getting married in a year. We have some very close gay friends, and I have gay family members on my mom's side. The majority of our family is gay-friendly, but a few of them on my father's side are very open about their dislike of the LGBT community.

Our ceremony will be at a Unitarian Universalist church because we love that they are supportive of the LGBT community and want everyone to feel comfortable and accepted on our big day. I'm terrified that my family members will do or say something to hurt or offend guests at our wedding who have same-sex partners.

I am considering putting a note on my wedding website that our wedding will be a celebration of love, and to please set aside political and personal beliefs and accept every one of our guests during this happy occasion. Would this be appropriate? I don't know how else to convey the message that we will not tolerate any hateful or offensive remarks or actions against our loved ones. -- BRIDE FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY

DEAR BRIDE: Do not post that message on your website. Your message should be delivered via a telephone conversation with the people you think may have a problem. A way to phrase it would be to tell them you are planning your wedding and that some of the guests in attendance will be same-sex couples. Ask if this would make them uncomfortable, and if the answer is yes, do not invite them.

Holidays & CelebrationsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Edited Obituary Lists Different Charities

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 18th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My darling husband recently passed away. It's a sad time for all of us. I wrote his obituary for our local paper and included the names of charitable causes, requesting donations be sent to them in lieu of flowers.

I sent the obituary to my husband's mother and sister who live out of state, in case they wanted to publish it in their local paper in the town where he grew up. They did, but changed the charities to ones of their choice. They didn't tell me they were doing it or ask my opinion. I found out only when I saw his obituary online.

I am extremely upset, especially because one of the causes they listed is a hospital I feel contributed to my husband's early death. What is the etiquette in this situation? Was it acceptable for them to make that change? Should I say something, or should I let it go? -- WOUNDED WIDOW IN TEXAS

DEAR WOUNDED WIDOW: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. You have every right to be upset that his obituary was altered. What his mother and sister did was wrong. They should not have changed it without your permission.

By all means, tell them how you feel about what they did, and that you feel the care your husband received at that hospital contributed to his early death. Had they consulted you as they should have, they would have known better.

DeathEtiquette & Ethics
life

Grandpa Foils Kids' Vegetarian Diet With Fast Food Chicken

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 17th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been a vegetarian for 12 years. My husband has been one on and off for five years. I thought our children, 7 and 3, had never had meat in their lives.

I recently found out that my father-in-law has been feeding them chicken nuggets from fast food. I was, and still am, very upset about it. It has been six months and I haven't talked to him since and no longer let my kids go over there without my husband. He texted me an apology that seemed very sarcastic and made me even angrier.

Everyone says I need to get over it, but no one has confronted him about it. This has put a strain on my relationship with my husband. Can you please advise me on what to do next? -- FURIOUS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FURIOUS: Text messages are, by definition, terse. Accept the apology you were given and move forward.

That said, however, continue to insist that your children be under their father's supervision when they visit their grandfather because his judgment is questionable, and he has already shown that when they are with him, your wishes will not be enforced.

Family & ParentingHealth & Safety
life

Dog Owners Flunk Obedience School by Giving Pets Free Rein

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 17th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have had a few negative encounters with dog owners who invited me to their home and became upset because I pushed their pet away when it tried to jump/lick/nudge me (although I do it gently). While I understand I am entering the dog's territory, I think it's inconsiderate when pet owners not only refuse to restrain their pets, but also imply that I'm somehow a lesser human being because I don't want my personal space infringed upon by an aggressive animal.

I would never allow my children to behave similarly around guests. If I knew people were uncomfortable with my children climbing on them, as a polite host, I would ask my children to leave that person alone. To me it seems this is a mutual respect issue. Am I wrong? -- DOG ENCOUNTERS

DEAR DOG ENCOUNTERS: No, you're not wrong. People have had scratches on their legs and items of clothing ruined because a dog jumped on them. The problem is that some dog owners identify so strongly with their pet that they lose the ability to distinguish between it and themselves -- and take anything they perceive as a rejection personally.

While a guest may be technically on a dog's turf, that doesn't mean the guest should be fair game. Considerate hosts control their dog until it has calmed down enough to be properly introduced.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Teen's Body Art Gets Negative Review From Granddad

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 17th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a 19-year-old granddaughter who has three tattoos and now a ring in her nose. Any suggestions as to what I might say to her to stop the destruction? -- GRANDDAD IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR GRANDDAD: Whether your granddaughter is "destroying" herself is a matter of opinion. Obviously, she doesn't think so. That's why I'm advising you to say nothing beyond "I love you" to her because she is now an adult and responsible for the choices she makes.

Family & ParentingTeens

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