life

Wife Wonders if Counseling Will Help Husband Mature

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 25th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm having a hard time deciding if I should forgive my husband or tell him enough is enough. In the year since our wedding, he became infatuated with one of my bridesmaids to the point of telling her -- and me -- that he loved her. He also flirted with women online, lied to my face about it, and asked for and received nude pictures from a "friend" and an ex.

We have been in counseling for about a month now, but we're moving soon, and I'm not sure I want to move with him, even though he now says he wants to fix things. We have a small child together, which affects my decision. What should I do? -- NOT SURE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR NOT SURE: It appears that the man you married was not mature enough to make that commitment. That the two of you are now in counseling and he wants to make things work is hopeful. However, considering what has been going on for the past year, I can understand your serious doubts. Because you already have a counselor helping you to work on your marriage, I think you should take your question to -- and your cues from -- the person with whom you are working.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Grandma's Sisters Shun Unwed Mom-to-Be

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 25th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am going to be a great-grandmother soon, and I'm very excited about it. I didn't think I would live to experience this great joy. My beautiful granddaughter is not married to the baby's father, but is a mature and loving person.

Although her immediate family is supportive, the extended family is not and refuses to acknowledge it. My sisters will call me and talk about anything and everything except my granddaughter and the baby that is coming. I don't know what to make of their conduct. I feel like hanging up on them, or telling them off and being done with them.

They are never going to experience being great-grandmothers themselves. Could they be jealous or angry that this happened? Please tell me how to handle it. Their health isn't good, so if I cut them off, it could be forever. -- PERPLEXED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your sisters could be jealous or angry, as you suspect. They could also be judgmental and trying to "punish" your granddaughter for being pregnant and unwed by ignoring her.

I don't blame you for feeling angry, and possibly hurt, for the way they are behaving. You're entitled. But the question you must answer for yourself is, would you be better off with or without those "sweethearts" in your life? Only you can answer that one.

Family & Parenting
life

Woman in Love Looks for the Right Time to Tell Boyfriend She's Adopted

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 25th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend for nine months, and for the first time, at 28, I can say I know what love is. Marriage is in the future, which brings me to my question. How and when do I tell him I was adopted? -- EAST COAST GIRL

DEAR EAST COAST GIRL: Frankly, I'm surprised this hasn't already been discussed as part of your getting to know each other. You are acting like having been adopted is some kind of guilty secret, and it's not. Tell your boyfriend in a quiet environment in which you can discuss it, preferably when you're having dinner and when you both feel relaxed and comfortable, so you can answer any questions he may ask you.

Love & Dating
life

Mother-in-Law's Pop-Ins Make Angry Wife Pop Off

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 24th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law has begun doing the "pop-in." My husband passive-aggressively hinted that he wished he had known she was coming over. Her response was, "I'm your mother; I don't need to let you know when I'm coming over." I regard this as total disrespect.

She has done this plenty of times -- including popping in when I was having a dinner with my parents and children, which made her mad because she and my father-in-law hadn't been invited.

She did the pop-in again last week. My husband, four children and I were about to sit down to a family dinner when she rang the doorbell. I didn't have enough food for her and my father-in-law, which made us all uncomfortable. She made a sarcastic comment, "Gee, I guess I shouldn't have come over," then she sat in the living room staring at us as we ate.

I have begged my husband to say something, but he says it would be disrespectful. I said it is disrespectful that she comes over without checking with us first. What's your take on this? -- NO POP-INS, PLEASE

DEAR NO POP-INS: You have my sympathy. Your mother-in-law is a handful. Your husband may be so cowed by his mother that he's afraid to assert himself. You are under no obligation to entertain anyone who pops in, including her. The next time she shows up unannounced, remind her to call first and suggest that she come back some other time.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & Ethics
life

Raucous Teen Video-Gamer Turns Silent Around Adults

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 24th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee has a 15-year-old son, "Jason," who spends countless hours in his room playing Xbox with his buddies. He is loud and obviously has fun, by the sound of it. However, when he comes out for meals, he doesn't communicate or answer questions like, "How was school?" or "What do you think of that?"

My fiancee and I don't live together. We see each other three times a year for two to three weeks at a time. My fiancee says Jason acts the same way whether I'm here or not. He isn't close with his dad, either.

Is this a phase that he will grow out of, or does he need professional help? We get along, but there is never much conversation. I ask questions to encourage interaction, but it hasn't been successful. -- FRUSTRATED IN MONTANA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Whether Jason's going through a phase or not depends on whether he has always had poor verbal skills and ignored questions he was asked. He might be reluctant to answer because he's having problems socially or academically in school, or because the opinions you're asking for concern things he has never given much thought to.

Boys that age are sometimes less verbal than when they are older, and their dependence on social media has contributed to it. Teens who spend most of their time in the virtual world tend to have lower verbal abilities than those who spend less.

If you and your fiancee are truly concerned, she should talk about this with a counselor at Jason's school and ask if counseling or intervention of any kind is needed.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Longtime Family Friend Feels Hurt by Sulky Teen's Attitude

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 23rd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have had a best friend for more than 20 years. We met when we were 18 and have been inseparable ever since. I was best man in his wedding, and when his first child was born, I traveled six hours to be at the hospital when "Sara" was born. I have never missed a birthday or Christmas.

When my friend announced they were moving from Ohio to Arizona, I knew I couldn't be away from him and his family, so I moved as well. I have no family of my own, and I adore his two girls.

Well, Sara turned 13 this year and like most teenagers, she's distancing herself from her family and even more so from me. When her mom and dad invite me for dinner or a family get-together, she barely acknowledges me when I say hi or ask how she's doing. She wants nothing to do with me. It breaks my heart. I love her and I consider her to be family.

My question is, should I continue to go and support her with her sporting events at school? (I have never missed a game.) Do I continue to shower her with birthday and Christmas gifts?

On one hand, I tell myself this is just a phase she is going through and to change nothing, hoping one day she realizes that I'm her biggest cheerleader and recognizes the love I have for her. On the other hand, I think she's acting like a spoiled brat, and if she doesn't know how to treat people, then I want nothing to do with her. How should I handle this? -- UN-UNCLE IN ARIZONA

DEAR UN-UNCLE: I am sure what you are feeling isn't any different than what Sara's parents are feeling right now. I agree that she is probably going through a phase and "just being a teenager." My advice is to give her some space and hope that when she finally pulls out of it she will recognize how lucky she is to have such a loving un-uncle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Friends & NeighborsTeensHolidays & Celebrations
life

Friends Don't Take the Hint to Clean up Foul Language

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 23rd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are senior citizens with health problems, so we share an apartment to minimize expenses and to be sure someone is around if needed. My brother and his wife sometimes socialize with us.

The problem is, my brother has a friend. The friend and his wife constantly use foul language. I don't like hearing the F-bomb used as an everyday part of speech. I have tried modeling correct behavior and not cursing, but it hasn't worked. How can I ask them to stop without alienating them and losing my brother and his friend? -- APPALLED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR APPALLED: In recent decades there has been a coarsening of the language many individuals use on a daily basis, and it's regrettable. However, that doesn't mean you must listen to it and remain silent.

The next time it happens, tell your brother and his friends that when they use the F-bomb, it makes you and your sister uncomfortable and ask them to please refrain from dropping it when they are with you. That's not an unreasonable request, and it shouldn't alienate anyone.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics

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