DEAR ABBY: I am a 58-year-old female. My mother passed away in my home almost exactly a year ago. I took care of her for the last three years of her life. After she died, my brother and his wife came to my home at 1:30 p.m. The funeral home didn't arrive to pick her up until 8:30 that night.

Later that evening, after my mom was gone and my brother and his wife left, my daughter came to me and announced that my sister-in-law had secretly taken pictures of Mom in the body bag on the stretcher as she was being wheeled out of my home. She didn't know that my daughter had seen her.

I am furious, horrified and hurt beyond description! My mother always liked to look nice and made a special effort to look good for a picture. The coroner had told me to go into another room when they were taking her because he said I wouldn't want that as my last memory of her.

I have never said anything to my sister-in-law, but I can't seem to let this go. It's killing me. Am I overreacting? Please, I need your advice. -- MISSING MOM

DEAR MISSING MOM: I am truly sorry for your loss, but you may be overreacting. Not everyone grieves in the same way, and similarly, not everyone feels the same way about taking pictures of deceased loved ones. During Victorian times the practice was quite common.

I don't know why your sister-in-law felt compelled to take the photos, but it could have been a gesture of love and respect. If you want to know why she did it, you should calmly ask her and let her explain.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year. He's three years younger than I am, which hasn't been an issue for us. However, recently, because of work scheduling, I have been waiting at his house until he comes home and spending more time with his father.

I am extremely ashamed that I have developed feelings for his dad. His dad has a girlfriend. I am aware this is inappropriate, but I am not sure how to handle this. -- ANONYMOUS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ANONYMOUS: The way to "handle it" is to accept that your boyfriend's father has a girlfriend and is probably not looking for anything extracurricular. And further, if anything should develop, recognize that it would not only devastate your boyfriend, but would also probably destroy his relationship with his father.

DEAR READERS: In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we remember today: "To retaliate in kind would do nothing but intensify the existence of hate in the universe. Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough, and morality enough, to cut off the chain of hate."

DEAR ABBY: My sister and her family recently moved out of state after having lived near our family all her life. Mom and I want to visit her this year, but she likely won't have enough room for us in the house because she has three kids and only three bedrooms. She does have a sofa bed and an air mattress, but neither my mother nor I want to sleep on them. Both of us suffer from back and knee problems and don't want to be uncomfortable.

Would it be rude if we stayed at a hotel? We have never stayed with her family before, so we're not sure if they would be upset. What is the proper etiquette here? -- PUZZLED GUEST

DEAR PUZZLED: Call your sister around the time you're planning to visit, and tell her how much you both are looking forward to seeing her. Then ask if there are any hotels or motels nearby, making sure to explain that you and your mother plan to stay in one because your physical problems prevent either of you from sleeping comfortably on a sofa bed or an air mattress. To do that is not insulting, and it may take the pressure of "entertaining" off your sister's shoulders, because with three children, I'm sure she's plenty busy.

DEAR ABBY: I had a relationship with a man who was introduced by a family friend. Our relationship lasted a month before he ended it without giving me a reason. I went on with my life.

A year later, he sent me a message asking how I was and what was happening in my life. I was caught by surprise because I thought he had forgotten about me. I replied casually, and the conversation continues.

He knows about my plans to work abroad. He says he supports them and would like to send money to help me start, but he wants to keep it a secret and asked me to promise not to tell anybody. Is it OK to accept his offer? -- TEMPTED IN THE PHILIPPINES

DEAR TEMPTED: I vote no. Unless you fully understand why your benefactor wants to keep his generosity hush-hush, I don't think you should accept. Keep your guard up and the relationship casual until you know a lot more about him -- like whether the man is married, because I'm wondering if he may be. When something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

DEAR ABBY: I have read letters in your column with suggestions for how to be a good wife, daughter-in-law, etc. Would you please give me some suggestions for how to be a good former wife? I know things like not attacking the present wife, but when we are at family functions, what am I required to do? -- EX-WIFE ETIQUETTE

DEAR EX-WIFE: Good manners dictate that you act like a lady. Not all divorces are friendly, but if you exhibit hostility, it will make everyone at the gathering uncomfortable. Give a pleasant greeting when you see your ex. If relations are cordial, make conversation. If not, then occupy yourself with other family members. And when the party is over, say a pleasant goodbye. I think that about covers it.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Russ" is a sweet, quiet, reserved guy with a goofy side. He's in his mid-20s, but has never kissed a girl or gone out on a date. (He is the kind of person girls regard as a brother figure.) He has no confidence and doesn't drink, dance or let loose. I have seen his dating profiles, and they are brutally unappealing.

I want to help Russ find someone before it's too late. I hate seeing him lonely. He needs someone to give him a chance and help him learn to be more confident. I know it's wrong to try to change someone, but I feel if he doesn't get some help, no one will ever give him the time of day. He needs a sense of adventure and, frankly, a change of wardrobe.

How can I help this "good boy" get the attention of the ladies? -- AMANDA IN WYOMING

DEAR AMANDA: You are a good friend. Talk to Russ and ask if he would be open to a bit of "coaching" to improve his social life. Tell him you have seen his dating profiles and offer to help him tweak them. If new photos are needed, suggest you go shopping together for a new outfit (or two), so he will have a more "contemporary" look. If he needs to learn to dance, show him some steps.

He may accept some help if you approach the subject with sensitivity. However, I'm not sure how much more than that you can do because, in the end, Russ is going to have to find a girl whose values mirror his own.

DEAR ABBY: Our 2-year-old granddaughter is using "dirty words" during her visits with us. We have tried ignoring her, and also popping her on the bottom while saying "no." Her mother uses this language, so this situation is very confusing for our granddaughter. Please help. -- CONFUSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFUSED: Someone needs to explain to the mother that the "dirty words" her daughter is being taught are normal are sure to create problems for her when she's old enough for school. Perhaps it will be the wakeup call she needs to clean up her vocabulary.

However, if that isn't effective, then it's up to you to teach your granddaughter that dirty words cannot be used in your home. Reward her when she remembers, remind her when she forgets and institute penalties if it persists. That's how kids learn, and you will be doing her a favor if you start early.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 50 years. We were both raised in a conservative religion, but haven't attended Sunday services in a long time.

I have become more liberal than my wife over the years, and I recently attended a service at a liberal, internationally recognized church. I felt I belonged immediately. I had never before felt so happy to be with like-minded worshippers. My wife had huge issues with it, and the next time I wanted to attend, she got very upset. There was an iciness around the house for three days after I went. That was a month ago, and I haven't gone again.

I resent my wife's resistance. This coming Sunday, I plan to tell her I'll be "going out" and will be back in a couple of hours. No doubt she'll know I'm at church, and I'll pay the price with her cold attitude or tears. Does she have a right to tell me I can't attend a particular church? -- MOVED BY THE SPIRIT

DEAR MOVED: No, she does not! In light of the fact that you haven't attended church together in years, she should be happy for you.