DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for five years, yet I can't seem to make headway. I constantly obsess about my failed marriage and the fact that my ex has moved on and remarried. I plot every day how to make his life miserable, which gives me some relief. I have been to counseling, but can't seem to move forward. I don't want to be stuck in this rut forever. Please help me. -- CAN'T GET OVER IT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CAN'T: The quickest way out of the rut would be to find another licensed therapist and get more counseling. Clearly, the first one didn't help you.

Plotting to make your ex's life miserable is not the answer. Acquiring the tools to make your own life better is the healthy, constructive way to go. And while you're at it, keep busy with activities you enjoy so you'll have less time to fixate on your situation.

DEAR ABBY: I am married with two small children. Last year, my job of 18 years was outsourced overseas. Since then I have had an opportunity to go back to school and further my education. It sounds great, and I know a lot of people would jump at the chance, but I'm miserable. I hate going back to school.

My husband, "Clay," is insisting that I finish so I can get a high-paying job. I'd love to stay home and care for our kids, one of whom has high-functioning autism. Clay has never been a good provider. Paying the bills has always been up to me. Everyone says I should stick it out and graduate, but I feel like I'm neglecting our children and I'm grumpy all the time. I feel like a horrible mom.

There is no way to lighten the class load. What should I do? Quit and seek a job at which I can work a normal day and then go home and care for my kids? Or tough it out and be miserable for another year? -- STUDENT STUCK IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR STUDENT: To stay at home and care for your children would take the cooperation of your under-providing husband, and he's unwilling to do that. I don't think you have much choice other than to continue your studies and return to helping support your family financially -- including him.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my mid-20s and haven't lived in my mother's home in more than four years. However, mail still occasionally comes for me at her address. Whenever it happens, my mother opens it.

Typically, she goes through the song and dance of telling me I've received mail, asking if I want her to open it (no, thank you), then saying she'll set it aside. Yet, by the time it reaches me, it has been opened.

When I try to talk to her about it, she claims that because she lives alone she's not in the habit of looking at the name on the front of the envelopes. If this had happened only once or twice, I'd believe it was an honest mistake. But it is every envelope, every time. What can I do? I don't think this is something I should have to grin and bear. -- FRUSTRATED BUFFALO GIRL

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Mail is considered to be private property. When another party breaches that privacy, that person may be guilty of mail tampering, which is a crime. You should have explained that fact to your mother when you first realized that what she was doing wasn't an accident.

Because this annoys you so much that you have written to me about it, and if you haven't already done so, register your change of address with the post office so your mail can be delivered properly, and contact those who may not know that you have moved, so this won't keep happening.

DEAR ABBY: My brother and sister-in-law have been dressing my 2-year-old nephew, "Charlie," in dresses and pink clothes. They say these are what the boy has chosen. To me, a toddler will pick out whatever gets his attention at the moment, and children that age have only a rudimentary understanding of gender.

It would be one thing if Charlie were old enough to understand and still insisted he felt more comfortable in girls' clothing. But at his age I feel what they're doing will only confuse him. Keep in mind, I do not believe this is a transgender issue. I think people who are transgender should dress and act the way they feel. I just feel that age 2 is too young to determine this.

My parents (the boy's grandparents) are worried and angry. My sister-in-law knows this upsets my mother and yet it's like she's taunting her with texts and pictures of Charlie in pink and/or dresses.

Should we be worried about this or should it be none of our business? Are we overreacting? Would it be best to approach my brother to tell him our concerns? -- TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND

DEAR TOO YOUNG: It is likely that Charlie is going through a phase and doing something he has seen other people do. But more important than what his mother buys for him is how others respond to it. A family's negative reaction sends a strong message. If Charlie is innocently testing out his/her authentic self, his grandparents' negative response will signal that they disapprove of who he is, which could have lasting ramifications for him.

Counselors at PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) have told me that many parents say that, looking back, they realize that by disapproving, they had sent their child the message that they couldn't accept him/her. One child had suicidal thoughts at the age of 5 because of it. (And yes, sometimes children that young do act on the impulse.)

DEAR ABBY: I often read and enjoy the Pennies From Heaven stories that your readers send and decided to share mine. Although it doesn't involve a penny, it's very special to me.

My grandmother and I had a special bond, and part of it was sand dollars. She taught me their meaning and would mail me postcards with pictures of dollars on them. When she passed away, I inherited the gold sand dollar necklace she had often worn.

I moved into a new home several years ago, and during the home inspection, I found a sand dollar in the pantry! Everything had been emptied out of the house except for that lone sand dollar propped upright on a shelf. When I saw it, I knew immediately who it was from, and I felt so blessed. It's comforting to know we are being watched over by our loved ones. -- SAND DOLLAR BLESSING

DEAR BLESSING: Your letter made me smile. I wish you had mentioned what your late grandmother explained to you about the meaning of sand dollars, because from what I have read, some people associate them with Christian beliefs, while others insist they are "coins" scattered by mermaids. Whichever meaning your grandmother ascribed to them, it's clear from what you have written that she was dearly loved. Thank you for sharing.

DEAR ABBY: A family member keeps setting up fundraisers every time she wants to buy something for her family. If a child needs a special class, she asks the relatives to pitch in to pay for it. When her husband wanted to return to college, she brought all the extended family together to see who could contribute.

She has now set up a fundraiser for family and friends to raise $6,000 to send her teenaged daughter to an expensive performing arts camp. I think this is extravagant. If they can't afford it, they should select a camp they CAN afford or have the 16-year-old go out and earn the money. I also think they should be saving for college rather than camp.

This woman's father was a preacher, and sometimes I think she never got the message that fundraising is usually for charity, not for individuals who happen to need some cash. Am I wrong to be embarrassed by what she's doing, or is this a new normal? -- EMBARRASSED IN TEXAS

DEAR EMBARRASSED: You say your relative is the daughter of a preacher. There is a saying in the Bible, "Seek and ye shall find." Another way of putting it is, "It never hurts to ask." If you feel your relative is using others for something that should be her responsibility, you are free to just say no, and to do so without embarrassment.

DEAR ABBY: I'm retired and have the time to sew and quilt projects, which I give as gifts. I presented a "Quilt of Valor" to my father to honor his military service. I also gave a sibling one of my personalized projects as a birthday gift.

Abby, when we visited their home recently, I was horrified to see one of their dogs sleeping on one of the pillows I had made for them. When the dog woke up, it proceeded to scratch itself and then drag the hair-covered pillow through the house. I have been asked to make a quilt for a disabled child living at home who also has a dog that sleeps on her bed.

I no longer want to invest my time and energy after what happened to my gift. I feel unappreciated. Would it be wrong to refuse the request and say something about "gift abuse"? -- SEW PERPLEXED IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR SEW PERPLEXED: Verbalizing your refusal would be undiplomatic. Regardless of the fact that your hard work wasn't appreciated as you hoped it would be, I do not recommend that you accuse the family of "gift abuse." It appears they're dealing with more important issues right now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 21 years. I'm extremely social, while he is not. For the past six to 10 years he has become increasingly resistant to going out in public places, especially when it involves getting together with my family or friends.

During last year's holidays, I pleaded yet another "sudden illness" on his behalf. I feel he makes himself ill with anxiety so he can bow out at the last minute. When I cancel plans we've made -- which is often -- he generally "feels better" after we cancel. It's frustrating. While I am sympathetic, I'm tired of making excuses knowing he's probably fine. What can I do? -- SOCIAL BUTTERFLY IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR BUTTERFLY: I think you should go without him, and stop making excuses.