DEAR ABBY: A family member keeps setting up fundraisers every time she wants to buy something for her family. If a child needs a special class, she asks the relatives to pitch in to pay for it. When her husband wanted to return to college, she brought all the extended family together to see who could contribute.

She has now set up a fundraiser for family and friends to raise $6,000 to send her teenaged daughter to an expensive performing arts camp. I think this is extravagant. If they can't afford it, they should select a camp they CAN afford or have the 16-year-old go out and earn the money. I also think they should be saving for college rather than camp.

This woman's father was a preacher, and sometimes I think she never got the message that fundraising is usually for charity, not for individuals who happen to need some cash. Am I wrong to be embarrassed by what she's doing, or is this a new normal? -- EMBARRASSED IN TEXAS

DEAR EMBARRASSED: You say your relative is the daughter of a preacher. There is a saying in the Bible, "Seek and ye shall find." Another way of putting it is, "It never hurts to ask." If you feel your relative is using others for something that should be her responsibility, you are free to just say no, and to do so without embarrassment.

DEAR ABBY: I'm retired and have the time to sew and quilt projects, which I give as gifts. I presented a "Quilt of Valor" to my father to honor his military service. I also gave a sibling one of my personalized projects as a birthday gift.

Abby, when we visited their home recently, I was horrified to see one of their dogs sleeping on one of the pillows I had made for them. When the dog woke up, it proceeded to scratch itself and then drag the hair-covered pillow through the house. I have been asked to make a quilt for a disabled child living at home who also has a dog that sleeps on her bed.

I no longer want to invest my time and energy after what happened to my gift. I feel unappreciated. Would it be wrong to refuse the request and say something about "gift abuse"? -- SEW PERPLEXED IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR SEW PERPLEXED: Verbalizing your refusal would be undiplomatic. Regardless of the fact that your hard work wasn't appreciated as you hoped it would be, I do not recommend that you accuse the family of "gift abuse." It appears they're dealing with more important issues right now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 21 years. I'm extremely social, while he is not. For the past six to 10 years he has become increasingly resistant to going out in public places, especially when it involves getting together with my family or friends.

During last year's holidays, I pleaded yet another "sudden illness" on his behalf. I feel he makes himself ill with anxiety so he can bow out at the last minute. When I cancel plans we've made -- which is often -- he generally "feels better" after we cancel. It's frustrating. While I am sympathetic, I'm tired of making excuses knowing he's probably fine. What can I do? -- SOCIAL BUTTERFLY IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR BUTTERFLY: I think you should go without him, and stop making excuses.

DEAR ABBY: I am a straight man who met and fell in love with a transgender girl I'll call Eve. We dated for almost three years, and they were the happiest of my life. In all that time, we never once had an argument. She said I had given her the strength to come out to her family and begin her transition. I was planning to ask her to marry me.

Without any indication that anything was wrong, she dumped me one day and weeks later began dating her friend, another trans girl. I wanted to walk away and take time to heal, but Eve maintained that I was important to her and we could remain friends.

For the next few months we tried, but her new girlfriend treated me like I was a threat. While I was emotionally hurting, she seemed to take intense pleasure in showing me how happy they were together. It eventually led to friction, and now my ex thinks I caused it because I was jealous, so she cut off all contact with me.

I stood by her when she absolutely needed my support, but when the time came to give a little back, I was abandoned. I'm worried I will never trust anyone again, and I don't know how to get "myself" back. Can you help? -- ABANDONED IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR ABANDONED: It might help if you consider that there are more than physical changes when making the kind of transition Eve was undergoing, and she may have felt that her trans friend was better able to relate to what she was experiencing than you were. It was cowardly of her to just dump you rather than tell you she had doubts about your relationship, and it was selfish of her to pressure you to hang around as "just a friend" afterward. It also wasn't realistic.

What you are feeling is normal. However, it might help you to move forward if you keep in mind that all women are not the same, that building trust takes time, and give yourself time to heal before trying to replace Eve.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old woman who recently got out of a six-year abusive relationship. While I was in the relationship, no one knew what was going on. When I finally left him, I started dating a man of a different race. People are now saying I moved too fast because we got together a month after I moved out. But we had been close friends for more than a year before things started to kick off.

The issue is, my family disapproves of our relationship because of his race and because they believe he didn't give me enough time to figure out what I wanted. I feel like I already knew what I wanted. I had been emotionally done with my first relationship for a good six months. My family refuses to meet him, nor do they want to hear anything about our relationship. My family and I had always been close -- until now.

I am happy with my new boyfriend (even my grandma sees a difference). I just wish I knew how to get my family to understand and agree to meet him. What can I do? -- READY FOR THIS IN OHIO

DEAR READY: If you are open to a suggestion, because you were in an abusive relationship for so long, talk with a licensed psychotherapist about it. You were unhappy for a long time, and it's possible that the difference your grandmother is seeing is partly fueled by adrenaline.

You are an adult and you deserve to be happy. If this man makes you feel that way, then more power to him. Take things slowly, enjoy the relationship, and perhaps with time your family will come around.

DEAR ABBY: My niece has a 1-year-old son. Neither my niece nor the baby's father is religious, and they have chosen not to have the baby baptized. My sister, the baby's grandmother, while not wanting to impose her beliefs on the parents, comes from a generation when even couples who were not demonstrably religious usually had their baby baptized.

I know it would comfort my sister to know this ancient ceremony had been performed. Since my sister watches the little boy at her house, would it be wrong for us to organize an informal baptism -- just holy water and a couple of prayers? We don't feel we need to have an officiant of any religion present and, of course, we would not tell the baby's parents. Would this be appropriate? -- MORTIFIED IN MONTANA

DEAR MORTIFIED: No, it would not. If you were sure that it would be, you wouldn't have written to me about it. My advice is not to do ANYTHING like this behind the parents' backs, because if you do, there will be hell to pay. Consider this: Not all denominations baptize their members as infants.

DEAR ABBY: Please post my message for people to be more considerate and nonjudgmental about their "help." I am a housekeeper by choice. I have office skills, massage therapy skills and many talents, but I have noticed that clients seem to have a preconceived idea of who I am.

I am not someone who is money-driven. I am also not uneducated. I am a person who enjoys helping others, no matter what I may be doing. What I do for a living is not who I am.

I have been treated disrespectfully. People who have housekeepers -- beware. We "might" be doing a sociological study on how people treat the help. Wasn't there a movie about that? Be kind to each other, people! -- THE HELP

DEAR HELP: What you have experienced isn't a problem faced only by housekeepers. It is something that many service industry workers encounter all too often. Perhaps it happens because some people were never taught that inside the uniform is a person with real feelings, and that everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

DEAR ABBY: After a year together, my boyfriend recently proposed. We plan to wed in two years. During this time, he intends to move into my home so we can save for the wedding. My parents, however, are completely against our living together before we get married.

Abby, I'm 30 years old and so is my fiance. I own my own home and my boyfriend currently rents. My parents are very traditional and may not help with the wedding if we move in together. We can't afford to pay for much if we don't do it and save. On top of that, we are excited to start our lives together. Do I honor my parents' wishes or do what I feel is right for me and my fiance? -- ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

DEAR ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: You and your fiance are both 30, which means you are well into adulthood. Don't you think it's time for you both to start becoming and thinking like independent adults? By that I mean deciding which is more important to you -- living your lives the way your parents want, or the way you want.