DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old woman, married for 50 years, and I hate my husband. He wants to go to swinger parties and toss me to other men. I tried it a couple of times for him and hated it.

He is overbearing and rude. We don't have any friends where we live, so he seeks out new people. He doesn't listen to my begging not to do this. His computer is full of porn and his thoughts are sinful, although he can't perform.

Every day I wish he were dead, but I feel guilty for these thoughts. Please tell me what to do. My life is unbearable. -- PAST MY LIMIT IN ORLANDO

DEAR PAST YOUR LIMIT: By now it should be apparent to you that you can't change your husband. The only thing you can change is yourself. If you find the strength to do that, your circumstances will change. Because you say your life is unbearable, stop bearing it. Talk to a lawyer and set yourself free.

DEAR ABBY: My 33-year-old son has mental problems. He is moving out to live with a guy he has been talking to on the internet and who has met him once.

His father and I are against it, not because of their homosexuality but because we are afraid it's a dangerous situation. We have learned that the guy was arrested three years ago on three different charges. He says he was cleared, but refuses any background checks or fingerprinting for jobs and/or government housing.

When we tried to talk to our son and explain the dangers, he became irate and blamed everything on us. He has no driver's license and has threatened to take off. He has also threatened suicide. We have asked him to consider talking to a psychiatrist, but he refuses. He does see a psychologist every three months, and he's supposed to be on medication, which he refuses to take. How can we deal with this? His psychologist won't talk to us unless my son gives the OK. -- DESPERATE WORRIED MOTHER

DEAR DESPERATE: Because your son is an adult, unless he is a danger to himself or others, there is nothing you can do to prevent him from leaving. However, you can write his psychologist a letter letting him/her know what is going on and address your concerns. There is a chance your son might pay more attention to what his therapist says than to you.

An organization that may be of help to you is The National Alliance on Mental Illness, accessible at nami.org. It may be able to provide you with the guidance and emotional support you need.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 16, and I have a crush on a guy who is 23. We met in the gym he works at. He's very shy and he didn't make the first move, but now we flirt a lot. I don't know what to think because we met at his work, and he's so much older than I am. What do you think about the situation? If he kisses me, what should I think? If he doesn't make a move, what should I do? -- CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CONFUSED: My advice is to forget about it. If he kisses you, consider the consequences if your parents found out what's been going on. It could cost this man his job. He may be very nice, but he is so much older and more experienced than you are that there could be criminal penalties and possibly jail time for him if he's foolish enough to pursue you.

DEAR ABBY: I recently realized that my mother-in-law stole several of my prized possessions. It seems that my husband's brothers, who helped us move when we lost our home, took the items (obviously at her request and with her approval) instead of placing them in the storage unit as instructed.

I am furious at her and my husband's brothers. How should I deal with this? I want to confront her and let her know that I am aware of her betrayal, but my husband is a great man, and I hate to hurt him in this process.

When I told him I was aware that his mother had stolen from us, he said he would make it up to me and that his mother is old (she's 81) and I should let it go. However, every time I visit her home and see my things it hurts. How should I deal with this? I feel raped. -- FURIOUS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR FURIOUS: If the items are replaceable, let your husband do as he promised. If they are heirlooms, you will either have to wait until she dies to reclaim them or go over there and demand that she give them back.

DEAR ABBY: I am a senior-aged man who swims three times a week at a nearby fitness center. I shower there after each swim. Seldom do I use the shower in my apartment. My son has reprimanded me strongly for not showering daily. He asserted that by not showering every day and by using a public facility when I do, I am practicing "very poor hygiene."

I believe that my hygiene routine is acceptable and in line with common practice, but I'm concerned that in order to visit with him in the future, I will first need to take a shower. Am I wrong here, or is he? -- NOT SHOWERING ENOUGH

DEAR NOT SHOWERING: With apologies to William Shakespeare: To shower or not to shower, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of your son's criticism or to stand up for yourself (in a sea of sniping) is up to you.

From where I sit -- far downwind -- if you can pass the smell test, showering three times a week is all that's necessary for proper hygiene. Do not allow your son to shake your self-confidence.

DEAR ABBY: I recently went to a funeral viewing for a friend's adult child whom I had never met. After entering the funeral home, I saw a computer-generated sign stating, "Please understand that we (mom, dad, brother and daughter) just couldn't be here."

Abby, I wasn't there to see the deceased; I was there to express my sympathy to the family. Why bother to have a viewing? All I wanted to say was how sorry I am for their loss. -- KAREN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR KAREN: Please have a little less judgment and a little more compassion. Remember that not everyone deals with death in the same way. The viewing was for family members, friends and acquaintances of the deceased who COULD bear to be there. You can still express your sympathy to the grieving family by writing them a condolence letter.

DEAR ABBY: It has happened again, another stressful, unpleasant Thanksgiving for me. My husband has out-of-town relatives who fly in using frequent flier miles. They get picked up from the airport on arrival and returned to the airport for departure. They spend a week here eating, drinking and being entertained. Never once have they offered to buy any food, help with meals or take us out for dinner. If we go out for a meal, it is always our treat.

They brag nonstop about how much money they are saving, and they could well afford to be gracious. This has been happening for 15 years. They invite themselves. I do NOT enjoy their company. My husband is aware of how I feel, but has asked me to tolerate them because they are the only blood relatives he's in contact with outside of our family.

I am left to do the laundry and cleaning after they leave. They have a nice vacation, and I feel used and abused. How can I get rid of them and still keep peace in the family? -- FED UP WITH FREELOADERS

DEAR FED UP: If your husband insists on entertaining these users because of his blood relationship, you should allow him to do it. If you're feeling magnanimous, welcome them warmly and tell them you're sorry you can't spend more time with them, but you are leaving to visit: your grown children, your parents, your dear old school chum(s).

Perhaps when your husband has to shoulder all of the responsibility for those awful people, he will realize the extent to which he is being used and find the courage to tell them what he expects of them the next time they visit. You have suffered enough.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have been planning our wedding for two years. Both of us are working our butts off at two jobs to pay for all the elaborate details. It will, after all, be the most beautiful day of my life.

My fiance's sister just got engaged and I'm happy for her. But now she's talking about having her wedding "around the same time as ours" to make it convenient for our distant relatives. My concern is that they're going to "steal our moment."

I feel very hurt, but I'm not sure how to approach her because I don't want to cause conflict. It would make so much more sense for them to be married the following year. On the other hand, it's their prerogative to do it whenever they want. Am I being unreasonable? -- UNREASONABLE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR UNREASONABLE: Every bride -- or almost every bride -- fantasizes that her wedding day will be the most beautiful day of her life. Whether or not your fiance's sister has her wedding around that time will not detract from yours in the slightest -- and it shouldn't be a contest anyway.

Frankly, the idea of sparing the relatives the expense of traveling to a second wedding makes sense. However, if you cannot accept this, then perhaps you should consider postponing your wedding for another year. Look at the bright side: If you do, you will have 12 months of extra income, and your wedding can be even more elaborate.