life

Woman Can't Make the Break From Her Decades-Long Affair

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 31st, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a married man for 30 years. Our relationship started a few months after he got married. I know it was wrong to begin the relationship, but it started just as a way for me to get sexual experience. For him, I think he was infatuated with the idea that a younger woman found him attractive.

I asked him out knowing he was married, thus safe from expecting a commitment. I don't think either of us expected our so-called relationship to last this long. I have dated other men (who knew nothing of him) and gave birth to a child (not his), so it's not like he's the only man I see. (Of course, he knows I date other men.)

Many times I have thought about ending our affair because I feel guilty, and sad for his wife. My problem is our conversations are intoxicating, our kisses, touches and lovemaking are like no other. Must I stop seeing him? Or do you think what others don't know won't hurt them? -- CAN'T STOP SEEING HIM

DEAR CAN'T STOP: The problem with the rationale "what others don't know won't hurt them" is that, at some point, the truth usually comes out. And when it does, there are usually plenty of hurt feelings. Frankly, I'm surprised your lover has been able to keep you under wraps for 30 years without the two of you being spotted somewhere.

If you are truly sad for your lover's wife, you should end the affair. However, because it has taken you three decades to discover your conscience, I somehow doubt you will.

Marriage & DivorceLove & Dating
life

Rude Reactions to Woman's Disinterest in Sex Are Wide-Ranging

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 31st, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm an asexual woman in my 20s, and I feel misunderstood. When I "come out" to people, they usually make a rude or vulgar comment. "Asexual" is the accepted term for people who are sex-repulsed or who don't experience sexual attraction. I fit both of those definitions.

People want to know what's wrong with me: Is it a hormonal imbalance? Was I molested? Am I secretly gay? One man even suggested that sleeping with him would "fix me"! If it comes up around family, they always suggest that someone will come around and change my mind.

Abby, is 25 years old too young to know for sure that I don't want to have sex? How can I respond to these rude comments? -- ACE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ACE: Twenty-five is definitely old enough to know for sure whether you have a sex drive -- or not. Because you are open about your lack of interest in sex, you should not become defensive if someone asks an ignorant question about it.

If the person asks if it's a hormonal imbalance, the result of having been molested or if you are gay, all you have to say is, "Nope, nope and nope!" As to the man who confused his member with a magic wand, "No, thanks!" would have been a polite response to an obviously deluded individual.

Sex & GenderEtiquette & Ethics
life

Couples Without Kids Are 'Child-Free'

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 31st, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I would love to see you refer to couples without children as "child-free" instead of "childless." Not every couple wants to have children. The term "childless" sounds like something is missing. -- FREE IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR FREE: You make a good point. But I usually couch my terminology according to what the writer has stated. If someone refers to her- or himself as childless, I feel it would be wrong to imply something the person didn't.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Husband's Longtime Friendship Is Now Forbidden by His Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 30th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently retired after 26 years of working with a professional partner of the opposite sex. Now my wife expects me to cut off all communication with her. There was never any intimacy or sexual attraction at all, just a friendship established over many years.

I have explained this to my wife many times, but she refuses to believe me and wants this person out of my life for good. How can I explain this to someone I have worked with for so many years? Is my wife's request reasonable? Can't married males have female friends, or am I restricted to only male friends for the rest of my life? -- FENCED IN, IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FENCED IN: No, I do not think it is reasonable, and the implication is insulting not only to your former working partner but also to you. However, unless you can get to the bottom of your wife's obviously deep insecurity, find a way to reassure her and get her to deal with it, that is exactly what is going to happen. You may need the help of a marriage counselor, but it will be worth it because men who feel fenced in -- trapped -- don't usually stay happily married. How sad.

Work & SchoolMarriage & DivorceFriends & Neighbors
life

Are Millennials a Slacker Generation?

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 30th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a question for you and your readers. Why have baby boomers failed in the way they raised their children?

We were raised with honor, respect for authority (even a little fear), integrity, a hard work ethic, honesty, etc. The millennial generation, for the most part, lacks all of those qualities. They don't want to work, can't get off their mobile devices and don't want to leave home. They expect their parents to take care of them, and have no appreciation and no respect.

I'm not saying they are all that way, but the majority I have encountered are. I blame it on parents who didn't raise them with the same values they grew up with. What's your take on this, Dear Abby? How do we fix it? -- ANONYMOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question, and frankly, whether the millennial generation lacks the qualities you listed is a matter of perspective. I would hesitate to paint a picture of an entire generation with one brushstroke. Readers, what do you think?

Family & Parenting
life

Wife Should Wonder What Kind of Business Husband Conducts When He Travels

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 30th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have an issue. If I go away on business, I make sure to provide my travel information such as hotel and flight numbers. But when my husband goes away, he refuses to provide any information. I try to explain that if there's an emergency or an issue with flights, the information would be helpful. I can get nowhere with him regarding this matter. Any advice? -- TRAVEL ISSUE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR TRAVEL ISSUE: Yes, I'm sorry to say I do have some. People who are secretive usually have something to hide. It's time that you ascertain whether your husband is traveling for business as he claims, or whether it's for pleasure without you.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Woman Copes With Anxiety by Filtering out Bad News

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 29th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Clearly, America is in a state of turmoil. I am horrified and ashamed of the senseless death occurring daily.

I deal with anxiety, particularly regarding fear of death. As a result, the only thing I've found that I can do to cope with current events is to scan headlines, and ask my understanding husband for a synopsis of events that doesn't include major triggers.

However, I feel serious guilt that I may not be fully educating myself on recent events. Am I wrong to prioritize my mental well-being over the gravity of our country's current situation? -- SERIOUS GUILT

DEAR SERIOUS GUILT: Wrong? Absolutely not! According to The Journal of the American Medical Association, 13 percent of Americans now use antidepressants to combat depression and anxiety. Our news media feed so many salacious details into our homes in the interest of high ratings that it's a miracle the majority of Americans aren't in need of them.

If you are getting the news you need to know, do not feel guilty for using your husband as a filter. You are only protecting yourself, and that's not wrong. It's healthy.

DeathMental Health
life

Woman Is Right to Question Why Boyfriend Thinks She's Always Wrong

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 29th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I need advice. I'm 23 and have been living with my boyfriend of almost two years. I have never been in a relationship before this one, so I have little experience. I love him dearly, but every time there's an issue between us, it always becomes my fault and I'm always the one to apologize. What should I do? -- INEXPERIENCED IN TAMPA

DEAR INEXPERIENCED: Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. You should not be forced into the role of perpetual peacekeeper by accepting the blame for everything, and it won't improve your relationship.

Because your boyfriend's preferred method of solving disagreements is laying the blame on you, suggest the two of you get couples counseling. However, if he refuses -- and he may -- you will then have to decide whether this is the way you want to spend the foreseeable future because things aren't likely to change.

Love & Dating
life

Secret Identity Is a Shock to Woman's Sister-in-Law

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 29th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law "Dani" and my brother have been married almost three years. I recently discovered that Dani has created a fake social media page. She posted some nude photos on it and acts like she's single. I suspect she is getting paid to do live nude video chatting, too.

Abby, I'm shocked over this. I'm sure my brother would explode with rage and disappointment if he knew. They have two small daughters, which leaves me to wonder if she has considered their embarrassment if they ever find out.

She's a good person, so I don't know why she would do this. I really need your advice. -- SHOCKED SISTER-IN-LAW IN THE SOUTH

DEAR S-I-L: It's time to talk to Dani. Tell her what you have learned and ask her why she's doing it. When you do, ask how she thinks your brother will react when he finds out -- if he doesn't already know -- and how this could affect their daughters. This may be a fling, a way to prove to herself that she's still attractive, or a way to earn needed money. But you will never know until you initiate a conversation with her.

Family & Parenting

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