life

Girl Who Wants to Date Might Start First With Small Groups

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 27th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and my parents won't let me date. I try to talk to them about it often, but they are convinced I'm going to get hurt or lose my virginity. I think I'm old enough to have a small relationship. I don't believe in premarital sex, and neither does the guy I like. I know I'm mature enough to date. I don't want to date just because everyone else does. I want to date this guy because we are best friends and we want to see each other, hang out like teens and have a normal relationship.

What can I do to ease my parents into the idea of letting me date him? We have been together for almost two years -- not dating -- just seeing each other at school. We talk by texting. I want to be with him outside of school. Any ideas? -- READY TO DATE

DEAR READY: Like any other "skill," being able to date successfully takes practice. I'd compare it to riding a bicycle. You don't just get on and pedal off -- it happens in stages.

It is obvious that your parents don't want "their little girl" to get hurt, and trust me, on some level you will always be their little girl. But for you to become socially capable/adept, you should be able to start dating in groups. That's how you will learn to handle yourself and the young men with whom you will interact. These lessons are important to learn at your age so you won't be at a disadvantage when you are older. Perhaps this would be a persuasive argument when talking to your parents.

Love & DatingTeensFamily & Parenting
life

Clash of Parenting Styles Causes Household Misery

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 27th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I met my girlfriend a year ago and we are hopelessly in love. She has two beautiful boys, as do I, from a previous marriage. Recently, we moved in together in the house I owned after my divorce from my first marriage.

The problem is we argue every other day about things large and small. The biggest problem is her 6-year-old. She gives him no discipline. If I try to administer it, she has a fit and we argue.

Because she gave up her apartment so she and her children could move in with me, I would never want them to leave. We love each other, but we are both miserable. What should we do? -- LADY WITH THE BLUES IN FLORIDA

DEAR LADY: It's time for you and your girlfriend to agree to mediation so you can reach a compromise about your parenting styles. Start now, because if you don't begin seeing eye to eye, I guarantee that you'll both STAY miserable, and it will undermine your relationship.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Constant Complainer Spoils Lunch for Everybody

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 27th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: We have a co-worker issue and need your opinion on the best way to handle it. We have an all-inclusive policy about lunch. Anyone is welcome to come along.

The problem is one guy who is never satisfied with his food. Never! He always complains, and we suspect he does it so his food will be "comped" (which it has been before). It has reached the point that we no longer want him with us. What's an appropriate way to handle this? -- THE LUNCH BUNCH IN TEXAS

DEAR LUNCH BUNCH: The way to handle it is for one person who is closest to this co-worker to have a private talk with him and tell him that if he doesn't stop complaining, he will no longer be welcome to join you because he has embarrassed every member of "the lunch bunch."

Work & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

Donation of Kidney Ends With Loss of a Friendship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 26th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Virginia" and I have known each other for 11 years. Five years ago she went into renal failure and was on dialysis for three years. It was hard on her and she needed a kidney transplant. Her three healthy siblings refused to be tested as a possible match.

Virginia is on the young side, and she was in such a bad way I agreed to be tested. After several procedures it was determined I was a "close enough" match, so we decided to go for it. She was scared to death right before the surgery. I convinced her that even though things might be rough for a while, she would be glad she went through with it.

It has been 18 months now, and I have not seen or heard from Virginia since the day after the surgery. I called her a few times to make sure she was doing well. She never returned my calls and has completely dropped out of my life. She lives only four blocks away, so I know things are going OK for her. I figured I'd give her some space, but that space has turned into forever. I haven't heard from her family either. They visited Virginia at the hospital, but didn't stop in to see me just three rooms away.

How could I have been so wrong about someone I knew for so long? My husband says Virginia is an idiot and I should let it go. My therapist says I'll have to "adjust to the injustice." I would have donated to a complete stranger without hesitation. But Virginia wasn't a stranger. I never expected to lose my friend along with my kidney. Can you please help me handle this? -- BLINDSIDED IN NEW YORK

DEAR BLINDSIDED: I can see why you are hurt by the abrupt change in your friend's behavior, and believe me, I empathize. The knee-jerk reaction of someone who hasn't been through this would be to say what unfeeling and ungrateful people Virginia and her family are, because you literally saved her life.

However, it may help you to better understand what has happened if you consider that while you saved Virginia's life, sometimes the burden of gratitude is more than someone can bear. For whatever reason, she may carry some guilt about owing you as much as she does, which is why she can no longer interact with you.

As to her family, that none of her siblings were willing to be tested as possible matches for her speaks volumes about them and the quality of their relationships, so stop feeling slighted. Listen to your therapist because she/he has given you some practical advice.

Health & SafetyFriends & Neighbors
life

Purses Should Be Parked on the Floor Where They Belong

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 26th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Why is it that when women visit, they'll take their handbag and put it on the kitchen counter, the kitchen table or on the dining room table? Their handbags have been on as many floors as my shoes. Don't they think about what they're doing?

Please let your readers know this is not a good idea. If someone needs to put a handbag down, it should be placed on the floor, where it most likely was previously. -- GROSSED OUT IN THE EAST

DEAR GROSSED OUT: I think the answer to your question is that the majority of women who carry purses DON'T think about this, just absentmindedly place them on the floor, a table, counter or chair.

However, for individuals who are concerned about the transfer of germs, there is a solution. There are portable hooks they can carry with them that rest on a table or desk so the purse can be suspended if it has a handle. I have seen them advertised on the internet, and they are inexpensive.

Health & Safety
life

Dad Dating Ex-Wife Causes Daughter to Feel Betrayed

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 25th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have a complicated family situation. My dad was married to a woman named "Cynthia" for 16 years until they divorced. He met and married my mother the next year. My parents were married for 40 years, until Mom died of cancer a year ago. Since her death, I have gone with my dad to a few holiday events hosted at his other daughters' houses, where we saw them and Cynthia. Everyone was cordial and welcoming.

A few days ago, Dad told me that he and Cynthia are dating, and he asked me to wish them luck. My immediate reaction was "Why?!" I left immediately, and have ignored his phone calls ever since.

I cannot express how upset this made me. I realize he's a lonely old man who would like to maybe start dating again, but his ex-wife? It feels like a total betrayal of my mother and me, like we were only some sort of intermission from his first family.

There are so many reasons why this feels like a sad and terrible idea, up to and including the havoc it will wreak on all of his daughters if something goes wrong again. I feel like he hasn't taken into account anyone's feelings but his own.

Am I selfish to feel this way? Is there anything I can do to stop this dead in its tracks? I don't want to be the bad guy, but I will NEVER be OK with this. -- "INTERMISSION" DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: If you are never OK with this, you will punish only yourself. Your father's divorce from Cynthia appears to have been amicable. His attraction to her may have more to do with the fact that he is drawn to someone familiar than any lack of feeling for you and your mother.

Instead of punishing him by ignoring his calls, I urge you to talk to him. What he's doing isn't disrespectful. He has mourned your mother's death for a year. Let him find happiness if he can, because if you do, I predict that it will spill over into your own life.

Marriage & DivorceDeathFamily & Parenting
life

Dental Options Help Put a Smile on Reader's Face

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 25th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: "Hiding My Smile in New Jersey" (Feb. 28) was embarrassed by the condition of her teeth, which she had neglected for years. Your advice to her/him was excellent, but I'd like to add one more suggestion:

Schools of dentistry often have programs in which care is offered to lower-income patients under a reduced-fee structure, based on the client's income. Care is provided by dental students under close supervision by their board-certified dental professors. Students participate as assistants in procedures prior to being allowed to perform these procedures. In the latter case, the senior dentist serves as the assistant (and guide). -- PATRICIA IN KENTUCKY

DEAR PATRICIA: Thank you for offering that suggestion, one that was echoed by many readers who wrote to lend support to "Hiding." Some of them also advised looking into a company that provides credit to finance medical and dental work. Usually it's a no-interest loan for a certain period, which allows patients to pay over time without having to wait for their care. The dental care provider may be able to recommend one.

Health & SafetyMoney

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