DEAR ABBY: My friend "Virginia" and I have known each other for 11 years. Five years ago she went into renal failure and was on dialysis for three years. It was hard on her and she needed a kidney transplant. Her three healthy siblings refused to be tested as a possible match.

Virginia is on the young side, and she was in such a bad way I agreed to be tested. After several procedures it was determined I was a "close enough" match, so we decided to go for it. She was scared to death right before the surgery. I convinced her that even though things might be rough for a while, she would be glad she went through with it.

It has been 18 months now, and I have not seen or heard from Virginia since the day after the surgery. I called her a few times to make sure she was doing well. She never returned my calls and has completely dropped out of my life. She lives only four blocks away, so I know things are going OK for her. I figured I'd give her some space, but that space has turned into forever. I haven't heard from her family either. They visited Virginia at the hospital, but didn't stop in to see me just three rooms away.

How could I have been so wrong about someone I knew for so long? My husband says Virginia is an idiot and I should let it go. My therapist says I'll have to "adjust to the injustice." I would have donated to a complete stranger without hesitation. But Virginia wasn't a stranger. I never expected to lose my friend along with my kidney. Can you please help me handle this? -- BLINDSIDED IN NEW YORK

DEAR BLINDSIDED: I can see why you are hurt by the abrupt change in your friend's behavior, and believe me, I empathize. The knee-jerk reaction of someone who hasn't been through this would be to say what unfeeling and ungrateful people Virginia and her family are, because you literally saved her life.

However, it may help you to better understand what has happened if you consider that while you saved Virginia's life, sometimes the burden of gratitude is more than someone can bear. For whatever reason, she may carry some guilt about owing you as much as she does, which is why she can no longer interact with you.

As to her family, that none of her siblings were willing to be tested as possible matches for her speaks volumes about them and the quality of their relationships, so stop feeling slighted. Listen to your therapist because she/he has given you some practical advice.

DEAR ABBY: Why is it that when women visit, they'll take their handbag and put it on the kitchen counter, the kitchen table or on the dining room table? Their handbags have been on as many floors as my shoes. Don't they think about what they're doing?

Please let your readers know this is not a good idea. If someone needs to put a handbag down, it should be placed on the floor, where it most likely was previously. -- GROSSED OUT IN THE EAST

DEAR GROSSED OUT: I think the answer to your question is that the majority of women who carry purses DON'T think about this, just absentmindedly place them on the floor, a table, counter or chair.

However, for individuals who are concerned about the transfer of germs, there is a solution. There are portable hooks they can carry with them that rest on a table or desk so the purse can be suspended if it has a handle. I have seen them advertised on the internet, and they are inexpensive.

DEAR ABBY: I have a complicated family situation. My dad was married to a woman named "Cynthia" for 16 years until they divorced. He met and married my mother the next year. My parents were married for 40 years, until Mom died of cancer a year ago. Since her death, I have gone with my dad to a few holiday events hosted at his other daughters' houses, where we saw them and Cynthia. Everyone was cordial and welcoming.

A few days ago, Dad told me that he and Cynthia are dating, and he asked me to wish them luck. My immediate reaction was "Why?!" I left immediately, and have ignored his phone calls ever since.

I cannot express how upset this made me. I realize he's a lonely old man who would like to maybe start dating again, but his ex-wife? It feels like a total betrayal of my mother and me, like we were only some sort of intermission from his first family.

There are so many reasons why this feels like a sad and terrible idea, up to and including the havoc it will wreak on all of his daughters if something goes wrong again. I feel like he hasn't taken into account anyone's feelings but his own.

Am I selfish to feel this way? Is there anything I can do to stop this dead in its tracks? I don't want to be the bad guy, but I will NEVER be OK with this. -- "INTERMISSION" DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: If you are never OK with this, you will punish only yourself. Your father's divorce from Cynthia appears to have been amicable. His attraction to her may have more to do with the fact that he is drawn to someone familiar than any lack of feeling for you and your mother.

Instead of punishing him by ignoring his calls, I urge you to talk to him. What he's doing isn't disrespectful. He has mourned your mother's death for a year. Let him find happiness if he can, because if you do, I predict that it will spill over into your own life.

DEAR ABBY: "Hiding My Smile in New Jersey" (Feb. 28) was embarrassed by the condition of her teeth, which she had neglected for years. Your advice to her/him was excellent, but I'd like to add one more suggestion:

Schools of dentistry often have programs in which care is offered to lower-income patients under a reduced-fee structure, based on the client's income. Care is provided by dental students under close supervision by their board-certified dental professors. Students participate as assistants in procedures prior to being allowed to perform these procedures. In the latter case, the senior dentist serves as the assistant (and guide). -- PATRICIA IN KENTUCKY

DEAR PATRICIA: Thank you for offering that suggestion, one that was echoed by many readers who wrote to lend support to "Hiding." Some of them also advised looking into a company that provides credit to finance medical and dental work. Usually it's a no-interest loan for a certain period, which allows patients to pay over time without having to wait for their care. The dental care provider may be able to recommend one.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Kate," approached me on a matter I'm uncomfortable with. For the last 12 years we have laughed, cried, consulted on everything we struggle with and shared our joys. Kate has a great marriage. I'm struggling with the decision to remain in mine.

Recently, Kate, her husband and I were on an outing when they mentioned a menage a trois. It was obvious to me that they have done this before. Kate has been my closest friend for years, but I realize now there's a side to her I never knew.

My resistance to their suggestion seems to have had no effect on her, yet I'm wrestling with my feelings. I'm trying to ignore this and maintain the friendship we had before, but it has been difficult. I wish I had never known, but now that I do, I need help sorting it out. -- MISSING MY BEST FRIEND

DEAR MISSING: How do you feel about the concept of open marriage? Do you approve? Disapprove? When Kate invited you into her marriage -- which is what she and her husband did -- the dynamic of your longtime friendship was changed. If you still felt the same about her, you wouldn't be writing to me.

If you can get past this, you can still be friends. But on some level your relationship will never be as it was before she crossed that boundary.

DEAR ABBY: I recently moved in with "Tim," a man I have been dating for more than a year. We're very much in love and plan to be married one day. My problem is he keeps getting phone calls from old girlfriends. This morning someone called, but hung up when I picked up the phone.

Until now, I have trusted Tim completely. Now I'm afraid perhaps we acted too soon in moving in together.

Tim has always remained friends with all of his girlfriends after their relationships ended. He says they are nothing more than friends now. I think he should have finalized his previous romances before I moved in. I believe he should take the initiative in contacting these women and ask them to respect our relationship by not calling.

How can I handle this without giving him an ultimatum? -- UPSET IN SEATTLE

DEAR UPSET: If, after one hang-up, you are questioning Tim's commitment to you, you're being unfair. It's possible the hang-up was a wrong number or a telemarketing call, and nothing more.

Ask yourself what it is about a hang-up on the telephone that has made you feel so vulnerable. You knew after you had dated Tim for a while that he's the type of person who maintains friendships after the romance fizzles. Relax! And remember the person he invited to share the nest and build a future with was you.

DEAR ABBY: Since my husband and I were married two years ago, my relatives have been asking when we are going to have kids. I know they mean well, but these relatives all have a tendency to talk among themselves once they find juicy gossip to circulate.

I am now pregnant with our first child. I have asked my immediate family to keep the happy news to themselves and let the others find out later in my pregnancy or after the birth of my child.

How do we respond to these nosy, gossipy relatives when they ask, "Why didn't you tell us sooner?" -- STAYING MUM FOR NOW

DEAR STAYING MUM: The answer is, "Because we wanted to keep it private."