life

Daughter Turned Against Mom Must Be Set Straight

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 16th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my two younger sisters. Neither one can have children. I have three.

Recently, one of my sisters turned my sweetest daughter against me by telling her I had "abandoned her" when I moved to Ohio with my oldest son and divorced their father. Not true! I left my daughter with my sister so she could experience raising a teenager since she couldn't have a child of her own.

After telling my daughter I had abandoned her, my sister advised her to tell me she never wanted to talk to me again. My heart is broken. My daughter is very sweet and gullible. She has taken her aunt's side and says she wants nothing to do with me. This is driving me crazy. Please tell me what to do. -- HEARTBROKEN IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: If your daughter is a minor, demand that she return to you immediately. Do it through a lawyer, if necessary, because what your sister is doing is a form of parental alienation. If your daughter is an adult, then ask your other two children to talk to their sister and set her straight.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Traveler Asks for Ruling on Who Gets the Middle Seat on an Airplane

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 16th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: When a couple is on an airplane in a section with three seats (window, middle, aisle) and a male stranger has the window seat, should the woman sit in the middle seat beside the male stranger, or in the aisle seat exposed to all passengers walking by? -- TRAVELER IN VANCOUVER, B.C.

DEAR TRAVELER: When someone makes an airline reservation, a particular seat is usually assigned and the airline expects the passenger to sit there unless the crew is notified and approves the change. There are many variables regarding why a person would want an aisle seat. Among them would be access to the bathroom, a person's size or a desire for more personal space. If sitting in the middle seat in close proximity to a man you don't know would bother you, mention it to one of the cabin crew and request a change, or just switch seats with your travel companion.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Man's Polite Inquiry Earns Reproach From His Wife and Daughter

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 16th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired man who took a community college class. My lab partner was a young woman who was having difficulties attending the class. She wasn't there for the final exam, and I wondered if she had dropped the course. I did not have her phone number or her email address, but she had mentioned she worked at a nearby bank, so I went to visit her there. We talked for a few minutes and she told me she had actually done quite well in the class.

When I told my wife and daughter about it, they were shocked. They said what I did was inappropriate because of the age difference and she could have gotten into trouble at her job. Abby, they almost accused me of stalking her.

I don't understand why they considered this inappropriate. Is there a social rule that makes my behavior incorrect? I find it hard to believe someone would get into trouble for talking to a person in the bank at any age. Gender should not be a concern. I would have done the same thing had she been a man my own age. -- AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

DEAR AM I: You appear to be a very nice person. What you are "missing" is the fact that your wife is insecure, and your daughter backed her mother up. You did nothing wrong.

Etiquette & EthicsWork & School
life

Needy Wife Can't Let Her Husband out of Her Sight

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: This is my second marriage. My first husband died when our daughter was 5 months old. I met my current husband, "Robert," when she was 6. We have a wonderful relationship as a couple and as a family. He's an amazing husband and father. We now have another child who is 7 months old.

I fear I have become a problem for Robert. I'm so attached to him that I don't ever want him to leave. He works from home -- even though he shouldn't -- because I want him to be with me. I end up distracting him and he misses deadlines. His job is almost over because the grant is over, and he's looking for a job. We are both very worried about this.

I know Robert will never complain about my need for his attention. I know he prefers us to be together, but he needs to work and I need to let him. I don't know why I struggle with this. I have never behaved this way. -- CAN'T LET GO

DEAR CAN'T LET GO: I have a hunch that what's going on with you is that you lost your first husband, and you're terrified that if this one isn't with you every minute, something terrible will happen to him, too.

Because this is having a negative impact on his career, it is extremely important that you learn how to manage this insecurity. The quickest way to accomplish it would be to talk this over with a licensed psychotherapist who can give you the insight and the tools you need. Please don't put it off.

Work & SchoolDeathMarriage & Divorce
life

Longtime Patient Is Offended When Doc Asks for Money Upfront

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: As an established patient with a specialized doctor, I recently went for my annual checkup. My appointment was scheduled a year ago. As I was checking in, I was informed that my doctor now collects all insurance co-pays before seeing patients.

As a senior citizen, I was shocked. Being expected to pay before the service makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. I can understand a convenience store expecting me to pay for my gas upfront because of drive-offs, but not a professional medical provider. I pay all my bills on time and have excellent credit.

It may be my age, but I want to feel respected and trusted. Shouldn't a doctor's office trust its established patients enough to allow them to pay once the service has been rendered? Has our country fallen so low that we are all guilty until proven innocent? -- FRUSTRATED PATIENT IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: The reason you were asked for your co-pay in advance may have nothing to do with your personal trustworthiness. Your doctor may have had more than a few patients who were delinquent in paying.

Because you were offended, this is something you should discuss with your physician who, because of your long relationship, may be willing to make an exception. However, if that's not the case, you might be more comfortable taking your business to another doctor.

Health & SafetyMoney
life

Smartphone Fact-Checking Is a Conversational Irritant

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: How should I respond to someone who keeps her smartphone on and "fact-checks" anything that is mentioned in a group conversation? She's my brother's girlfriend, "Marla," and she's not a teenager. She's in her late 40s. I consider it rude. She invariably interjects a comment to confirm or dispute whatever has been said by saying, "Well, according to ..."

I admit I don't care for Marla for various reasons. However, she is perfect for my brother. To put it bluntly, I don't trust either of them. I try to limit contact with them because I feel so strongly. Am I right, or am I overreacting? -- AVOIDING CONTACT

DEAR AVOIDING CONTACT: Whether what Marla is doing is rude would depend upon why she feels compelled to fact-check during a conversation. If she does it as a form of one-upmanship, it's rude. If that's not the reason, she may do it out of insecurity or a desire to participate in the conversation.

That said, because you don't trust your brother or his lady friend, then it is only logical that you would avoid them as much as possible.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Elderly Mom Needs Social Interaction Along With Activity

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother is almost 80, and I am trying to figure out activities she can do at home. Her health is not great because she has had several strokes over the past few years and has limited mobility.

Last year, I gave her some simple coloring books and crayons, and she did enjoy that, but she has told me she is kind of tired of coloring. She has adamantly insisted she doesn't want crosswords or word search books. Do you have any suggestions? -- ALL THOUGHT OUT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ALL THOUGHT OUT: Yes, I do. It is very important for your mother's mental health that she exercise as many functions of her brain as possible. She should not be encouraged to spend all of her time at home. A senior center can help to give her structure and physical and mental stimulation. In her generation, connection with peers is important because it provides debate and socialization.

As to what she should be doing at home besides filling in the pages of coloring books, consider activities she did in the past such as knitting, chess, and watching sports or soap operas if she enjoys them.

Family & Parenting
life

Real-World Pleasures Offer Escape From Negative News

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: With all of the racial tensions going on, and an attack on the local police force, there doesn't seem to be much escape. My husband thinks that watching the news is my "duty," and I have been doing it to the point of having anxiety attacks. Is it our duty to surround ourselves with the negative so much that we forget the fun part of life? -- NEWS OVERLOAD IN TEXAS

DEAR NEWS OVERLOAD: If the news is having a negative effect on your health, you need to ration it or take a short break. Rather than inform, I'm sad to say, the television news has degenerated into the equivalent of a series of brutal spectator sports events. If you would rather not submerge yourself in the blood and tears, you have my permission not to watch. Instead, make sure to schedule activities that bring you pleasure and joy for balance -- i.e. ones that involve music, exercise, friends or the outdoors.

Mental Health

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