life

Smartphone Fact-Checking Is a Conversational Irritant

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: How should I respond to someone who keeps her smartphone on and "fact-checks" anything that is mentioned in a group conversation? She's my brother's girlfriend, "Marla," and she's not a teenager. She's in her late 40s. I consider it rude. She invariably interjects a comment to confirm or dispute whatever has been said by saying, "Well, according to ..."

I admit I don't care for Marla for various reasons. However, she is perfect for my brother. To put it bluntly, I don't trust either of them. I try to limit contact with them because I feel so strongly. Am I right, or am I overreacting? -- AVOIDING CONTACT

DEAR AVOIDING CONTACT: Whether what Marla is doing is rude would depend upon why she feels compelled to fact-check during a conversation. If she does it as a form of one-upmanship, it's rude. If that's not the reason, she may do it out of insecurity or a desire to participate in the conversation.

That said, because you don't trust your brother or his lady friend, then it is only logical that you would avoid them as much as possible.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Elderly Mom Needs Social Interaction Along With Activity

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother is almost 80, and I am trying to figure out activities she can do at home. Her health is not great because she has had several strokes over the past few years and has limited mobility.

Last year, I gave her some simple coloring books and crayons, and she did enjoy that, but she has told me she is kind of tired of coloring. She has adamantly insisted she doesn't want crosswords or word search books. Do you have any suggestions? -- ALL THOUGHT OUT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ALL THOUGHT OUT: Yes, I do. It is very important for your mother's mental health that she exercise as many functions of her brain as possible. She should not be encouraged to spend all of her time at home. A senior center can help to give her structure and physical and mental stimulation. In her generation, connection with peers is important because it provides debate and socialization.

As to what she should be doing at home besides filling in the pages of coloring books, consider activities she did in the past such as knitting, chess, and watching sports or soap operas if she enjoys them.

Family & Parenting
life

Real-World Pleasures Offer Escape From Negative News

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: With all of the racial tensions going on, and an attack on the local police force, there doesn't seem to be much escape. My husband thinks that watching the news is my "duty," and I have been doing it to the point of having anxiety attacks. Is it our duty to surround ourselves with the negative so much that we forget the fun part of life? -- NEWS OVERLOAD IN TEXAS

DEAR NEWS OVERLOAD: If the news is having a negative effect on your health, you need to ration it or take a short break. Rather than inform, I'm sad to say, the television news has degenerated into the equivalent of a series of brutal spectator sports events. If you would rather not submerge yourself in the blood and tears, you have my permission not to watch. Instead, make sure to schedule activities that bring you pleasure and joy for balance -- i.e. ones that involve music, exercise, friends or the outdoors.

Mental Health
life

Mother of the Bride Resists Overtures From Groom's Mom

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am recently engaged, and both my fiance and his mother keep trying to set up "play dates" between his mom, my mom and me. I understand this may be a social norm so the mothers of an engaged couple can get to know each other during the engagement. However, my mom wants nothing to do with these dates.

Mom works long hours in the medical field. When she isn't working, she's frequently baby-sitting my sister's children. When she has free time, she enjoys being alone and reading a good book. This is her ideal way to spend her time, and she doesn't want to "hang out" with anyone but my dad. I have explained this more than once to my fiance, yet he and his mom still try to set up meetings.

In defense of my mom, she and my fiance's mother have known each other longer than my fiance and I have known each other. They live about a mile apart and have met many, many times. I don't understand why more meetups are necessary.

It's getting to the point where I wish they'd stop asking my mom to do things, because I always have to awkwardly say no. Must I drag Mom somewhere I know she'd rather not be, or should my fiance let this go? -- TOO MUCH TOGETHERNESS

DEAR TOO MUCH: Marriage is supposed to be a blending of two families, which may be why your fiance and his mother are so persistent. However, you should not be a message carrier and feel stuck in the middle because it isn't fair to you.

Tell your fiance that if his mother wants to get together with yours, she should call your mother herself. That way your mom can explain directly that because of her busy schedule -- and her short list of priorities -- she is not available.

Holidays & CelebrationsLove & DatingMarriage & Divorce
life

Kids Complain When Dad Asks for Quiet During His TV Time

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single father raising my four children alone. My problem may seem trivial and minor, but it's extremely taxing for me. My kids refuse to stop talking during my very brief television/movie time.

I work full time and take care of them by myself, and my two-hour escape via a movie or TV show is constantly interrupted. When I point out that what they are doing is rude and even disruptive, I am met with accusations that I "don't care about them" or "You love TV more than me." They somehow turn my anger around to their benefit. Please help. -- ME TIME IN FLORIDA

DEAR ME TIME: Welcome to parenthood! It's a 24-hour-a-day job, seven days a week.

You didn't mention how old your children are, but if they are under the age of 13, they should have a regular bedtime. Once they are in bed, you can have your "me time." However, if they are older, then accept that teenagers may need to communicate with their dad about things that are important, and it is more important to be available to them than to watch television every night.

P.S. Suggestion: Perhaps you can record or stream your shows and watch them at a later time when your kids don't need you.

Family & Parenting
life

Ex-Husband's Parade of Dates Interferes With His Dad Time

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for a year and have two boys, ages 8 and 9. During this time, my ex-husband has introduced three different women to my children and recently introduced them to a new girlfriend he has been seeing for a few weeks. The first day that they met the girlfriend, he had the children spend the night at her place. The woman has a 9-year-old son of her own.

I do not find this appropriate. When I confronted my ex, he insisted that there is no problem with it. How long do you recommend someone wait before introducing children to the person he/she is dating? Am I wrong to be concerned about this? -- CARING MOM IN KANSAS

DEAR CARING MOM: Unless your ex is trying to teach his sons that relationships are revolving doors, he should slow down the traffic. They need to spend time with their father, not their father plus one. Occasionally having a female friend join him and the boys is all right, provided they understand she's just a friend. But he shouldn't have been diluting the time he was spending with the boys during this first year to the extent that he has because it sends the wrong message.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Friend Can't Let Go of Long-Distance Romance

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My lesbian friend, "Giselle," broke up with her significant other, whom she met over the internet. They have actually never met in person because her girlfriend, "Samantha," lives in Canada, but Giselle says they were soul mates. Samantha has moved on and now has another sweetheart, but Giselle won't move on.

It has been many months and Giselle is still trapped in this bubble of sadness. She won't stop talking about how much she loves Samantha. I kept reassuring her everything would be OK and maybe she would find somebody else like her internet friend did.

After a few months, she became angry with me, and accused me of not being supportive of her trying to get Samantha back. She also accused me of not understanding "what girl-to-girl love is," which makes no sense, considering that I'm bi.

This has been going on for nearly a year. Should I back off, or must I continue to be supportive of something I know can't happen? -- TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE

DEAR TRYING: Giselle is angry at you not because you haven't been supportive, but because she's upset her feelings for Samantha aren't returned. This is called "displaced anger," and you happen to be the nearest target. Your life will be a lot more pleasant if you step out of the picture until Giselle figures out for herself that her romance has fizzled and decides for herself to move on.

Love & DatingFriends & Neighbors
life

Son Wanted Ashes Scattered Far From Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son was cremated as he had requested, but he also asked that his ashes be spread far away from home, which would require us to take a long trip to do. Would it be disrespectful not to accommodate that part of his request? If we did that, we would have no part of him near or with us. Do you have an opinion? -- SO FAR AWAY

DEAR SO FAR AWAY: Yes, but first allow me to offer my condolences for the loss of your son. If you feel the need to have his cremains physically close to you, do what will bring you comfort. Divide the ashes, keep some of them and honor his wishes with the rest.

Family & ParentingDeath

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