DEAR ABBY: My partner, "Andrew," and I have been together for four years. I'm a high school teacher, and he works for a major department store. Andrew has always wanted to be a flight attendant and now has the opportunity to interview for a position with a regional carrier. If he gets the job, he will have to relocate to the mid-Atlantic.

I want him to follow his dreams and be successful, and I want to support him, but right now I'm not in a position financially to leave my job and go with him. Although I'm a good teacher, there is additional education I need to pursue, and I have worked with my department chair on a five-year plan that includes some study abroad. I hope to teach at a community college in the future, but what if I'm not hired close to where Andrew works? How do I deal with all this? -- MESSED UP MAN IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MESSED UP MAN: You recognize that some challenges lie ahead for you and Andrew if you are both going to live your dreams and achieve your full potential. You say you have worked out a five-year plan that includes study abroad. In a year or two, it could have been Andrew writing me about the same insecurities you are feeling.

Separation doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship if you are both determined not to let it. You owe it to yourselves to have a little faith, give it a try, and "what will be will be."

DEAR ABBY: Another birthday is coming up for one of my grandchildren and there is absolutely nothing we can think of that she doesn't already have five of. We are simple people but love our grandchildren and would like to get them something original once in a while. Our kids buy them everything they want in every color and style. Our grandkids have clothes they wear once and toys that are still in the packages. Spending time would be a good idea except that they want to be entertained at expensive attractions and are bored with just spending time together.

We want to be part of their lives, but we don't have a clue as to how to do it. Can you help? -- OUT OF IDEAS IN FLORIDA

DEAR OUT OF IDEAS: I'll try. Is there anything that you can MAKE for your grandchildren that cannot be found in a store -- perhaps something from your oven? Many grandchildren have fond memories of Grandma's brownies, chocolate chip cookies, apple cake, etc. If the answer is yes, then bring -- or send -- a package to your grandchildren.

I say this because my grandmother, Rose Phillips, used to have the most wonderful brownies (with powdered sugar on top!) on her kitchen counter when our family would come to visit. If she had sent me a box as a gift, I would have been delighted.

Something like this is a gift that only you can give. It's something special and it won't break the bank.

DEAR ABBY: I recently retired, but I haven't told anyone. I receive widow's benefits, so I'm comfortable financially. I like my privacy, and I'm afraid things will change if I tell people about my retirement. My father is dying of cancer.

My best friend says if I were her sister, she'd be mad at me. My sister lives a mile away and I don't want her dropping in on me. If she knew, she'd include me in everything she does. I feel this is my life and I want to enjoy it alone for the most part. Am I wrong? Am I hurting anyone?

I was widowed 20 years ago and have had no serious relationships since. I'm independent, attractive and have joined a few dating sites, but I'm picky and have not met a man who attracts me. I'm 66, in good health and look younger. Am I being selfish? Do you have any advice for me? -- LONER LADY OUT WEST

DEAR LONER LADY: If your sister has shouldered the responsibility of caring for your dying father by herself, thinking you are too busy working to help, then she would have every reason to be very angry. Even if that's not the case, her feelings will be hurt when she finds out -- and she will -- that you're avoiding her.

If she didn't love you, she wouldn't want to include you in her life. All you need to do is say no to her invitation if the activity isn't your cup of tea. And surely, you can find a tactful way to ask any drop-in visitor to make plans with you ahead of time instead of dropping in.

You say you want to enjoy your life alone for the most part, but you have joined dating sites. In this life, people have to give in order to get. It may be the attitude you're projecting that's keeping you from meeting men on those dating sites. And yes, I think you are selfish.

DEAR ABBY: My son is getting married next year. My future daughter-in-law is demanding that I (mother of the groom) wear a strapless green dress. The bride is also wearing green.

I am over 40 and no longer have a 20-something body, and I'm extremely uncomfortable wearing a dress where all my imperfections hang out and wobble for the world to see. She has informed me that if I don't wear the dress of her choice, I should just stay home.

Everyone I have talked to has told me to pick the style and color dress I prefer. If I show up in a dress that isn't green, I'm pretty sure it will create a scene and I'll be asked to leave.

I don't know what to do! Do I cave and wear what she asked of me, or wear what I want and face the wrath of Bridezilla? -- SEEING GREEN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SEEING GREEN: Your son's fiancee appears to be rude, self-centered and insensitive (to put it mildly). That she would actually force you to choose between an outfit that makes you feel overexposed and not attending your son's wedding is shocking. Does your son know about this, and what does he think about it?

Talk to her once more. Tell her that while you have no objection to wearing something green, you do not intend to wear anything strapless -- and if she really means that if you don't comply you won't be welcome at the wedding, you will not be there. Let's hope it brings her to her senses because if it doesn't, I doubt you'll be seeing much of her and your son anyway.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 13-year-old son, my only child. For the past 10 years I have been living with mounting guilt over the fact that he doesn't have a sibling. It's not because my husband and I haven't tried, we have. But fertility issues took us down an empty road, and adoption discussions were just that -- discussions.

I can't tell you how many times our son has said he wishes he had a sibling. Every time, it's like a knife in my heart and the guilt surges back. I think about the future and how he will have no brother or sister to share life with or lean on when something happens to my husband or me. Although I have always felt blessed to have him, I can't escape these feelings. Sometimes I feel like I have failed him horribly.

It's worth noting that my son is a happy, well-adjusted child. He has good peer relationships in school, is close to me and my husband and has hobbies and friends he enjoys spending time with. My love for him is endless, and I pray that he will forgive me someday for not being able to give him what he has so deserved. -- SAD MOM IN OHIO

DEAR SAD MOM: Take a step back, stop self-flagellating and ask yourself how many times your son may have also asked for a puppy. You say you have raised a happy, well-adjusted son. That's an accomplishment that should fill you with pride. Not being able to give birth to another child is not something you should feel guilty about or need forgiveness for, and neither is refraining from adopting "so your son would have a sibling." Not all siblings have the kind of relationship you fantasize about. While some do, many do not.

Please consider carefully what I have said and search your heart. And if you still think you are guilty of any sin of omission, discuss it with a licensed psychotherapist.

DEAR ABBY: Last year I found out my husband borrowed $3,500 from our savings account and gave it to a female co-worker. When I asked where the money had gone, he lied to me.

It has been more than a year and the co-worker hasn't repaid the money. She comes up with cockamamie excuses, but has plenty of money to buy gifts for her grandkids and new clothes for herself. When I contacted her about it, she called human resources on my husband! He said no one at work likes her and she has a lot of personal problems.

Our marriage has been rocky, and we need this money back. What's really going on here? How do I get her to start paying back the money? I have reached the end of my rope and my husband is no help whatsoever. He gets mad whenever I ask about the money. Some advice, please? -- NEEDS THE MONEY

DEAR NEEDS THE MONEY: Stop asking your husband about the money. It should be clear by now that the woman he gave it to has no intention of repaying it. As to her not being liked at the office, HE must have liked her or he wouldn't have forked over all that dough.

Because your marriage is "rocky," I'm recommending that you seek couples counseling. Perhaps with the help of a mediator your husband will be able to be completely truthful with you. That's essential because good marriages are based on trust.