life

Single Mom Craves Family's Embrace of Her Daughters

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 27th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of two biracial daughters ages 2 and 4. They fill my life with joy and I am thankful to be their mother. My problem is, I haven't been able to face my family members since the birth of my second child.

My family has strong Christian roots, and I know they were disappointed when they heard about another unplanned pregnancy. This isn't the first time I have disappointed them. I smoked a lot of marijuana as a teen and young adult. I straightened my life out during my late 20s.

I miss my family very much, and I also feel my children are missing out by not knowing them. My parents passed away many years ago. My children's father was beaten to death days before my youngest daughter was born. My aunts and uncles are all I have left, and it breaks my heart to think we have lost them, too. How should I handle this without getting my heart broken? -- MISSISSIPPI MOMMY

DEAR MOMMY: Did these aunts and uncles have children, or are they childless? If you have cousins, consider reaching out to them first, because their views may be less conservative than their parents'. If your family's Christian roots are as strong as you say they are, they should be both welcoming and forgiving, and embrace your children in their loving family circle.

However, if they are not, then it would be better for your little girls if they were not exposed to them. I have advised in the past that sometimes people have to live their own lives and create their own families. If your relatives are rejecting, that is what you will have to do, not only for your daughters' sake but also for your own.

Family & Parenting
life

Catty Comments Ruin Club's Bonhomie

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 27th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been getting together with a group of ladies for many years now. Husbands and boyfriends are welcome but rarely come. We enjoy meeting at each other's houses and at restaurants every few months.

We are having a problem with one member, "Gail," who is envious of "Rose," a still-beautiful former model. Gail has been making remarks that Rose "must have had work done" on her face to be able to retain her looks for so long. (I think it is a combination of good genes, sunscreen and incredible bone structure.)

What Rose has or hasn't done is none of Gail's business. Rose is aware of Gail's jealousy, and it puts a damper on our good times and our caring attitudes toward each other. We wish Gail would drop out. Her remarks need to stop. Have you any ideas on how we can deal with this problem? -- CLUB MEMBER IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR CLUB MEMBER: I sure do. The person closest to Gail needs to tell her, privately, that the catty comments make everyone uncomfortable, and if she doesn't stop she will no longer be welcome in the group.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Counseling Can't Save Marriage Lacking Intimacy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for almost three years to a woman who refuses to share the same bed with me. It started on our honeymoon when, after having sex, she chose to sleep in a different bed whenever there were two beds in the room.

She's in her late 40s and had never been married before. We have been intimate only twice in the last year. Moreover, she doesn't let me sit next to her while we watch TV, and there is no kissing, no touching, no affection of any kind, physical or verbal.

I have wracked my brain trying to figure out why she treats me like this, and I have a few suspicions. She's applying for permanent residence status and may have married me only for that, although she denies it. She can no longer bear children, so she may think there is no point in having sex or being intimate. She may have an aversion to being touched, although she doesn't show that when we're out in public. She likes to hug her female friends. (And no, I don't think she's a lesbian.)

Any love that existed between us is nearly gone at this point, so am I justified in getting a separation? We have been to counseling, and that is what the therapist recommended. -- FEELING UNLOVED IN UTAH

DEAR FEELING UNLOVED: Assuming you brush your teeth, use deodorant and shower regularly, I'm as mystified about your wife's behavior as you are. I know people who treat their dogs and cats better than this woman has been treating you. That you have tolerated it this long is surprising.

Your therapist has advised a separation, but I would go further than that. Because you don't have a marriage, I think you should make it official.

Sex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

No-Call List Pulls the Plug on Telemarketers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 26th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I receive at least two or three telemarketing calls a day -- and sometimes even more on Sundays. Can you please tell me what to do to put a stop to this?

I have written once before to an address to curb this situation, but no luck. These calls come as late as 9 p.m. Thank you for any advice. -- STRESSED OUT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STRESSED OUT: I agree that telemarketing calls are invasive when they come in multiples. The USA.gov Consumer Action Handbook includes a number you can call to restrict telemarketing calls permanently by registering your phone number. It is 888-382-1222. This can also be done online at www.donotcall.gov.

If you receive telemarketing calls after your number has been in the national registry for 31 days, you can file a complaint using the same web page and toll-free number.

This will cut back on some of the calls you receive, but not all of them. Political organizations, charities and telephone surveyors with which you have a relationship can still get through. However, if you still find yourself being inundated, contact your phone provider and inquire about call-blocking 800 numbers. Good luck!

life

Wife Foresees a Rocky Road With Husband Suffering Dementia

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 25th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: After two failed marriages, I married a wonderful man whom I love but am not in love with. He recently had a seizure, after which he was diagnosed with moderate dementia.

All I see is a long, dark road ahead. We are both senior citizens with not a long time left on this Earth. My health is suffering because of this situation. I am extremely depressed, suffer from panic attacks and have lost any hope of happiness in the future.

I am torn between my responsibility to my husband and leaving to try to find some sort of joy in my life. If I stay, my mental and physical health will be ruined. If I leave, guilt will destroy me. Is there a solution? -- OVERWHELMED IN HOUSTON

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Yes, and the first part of the solution is to realize you are NOT a weak sister -- as much as you might think you are. You took a vow to stand by the man you married, and now it's time to honor it. He may not be the love of your life, but he is your friend. Friends don't cut and run when the going gets tough.

Talk to a geriatrician (M.D.) to find out what kind of care your husband needs now and will need in the future. You should also learn as much as you can about what services for seniors exist in your community. He may eventually need an assisted living facility, but in the meantime, a home caregiver may be able to help him with personal grooming and give you some time to yourself. If he has children or other family members, they might be willing to pitch in and help.

While a diagnosis of dementia is daunting, I urge you to enjoy the time you have with him now. He's still the person you cared for enough to marry. He WILL be that person for quite a while. You may be a senior, but you're still vital and may have many years ahead to enjoy life. If you fulfill your role as a supportive wife now, your chances of finding happiness when your husband's journey is over will be greater.

A final thought: You're not alone. There is support out there for you and your husband. Reach out to the Alzheimer's Association (alz.org; 800-272-3900) for information and local support and resources.

Mental HealthDeathHealth & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Baby's Gender Is Big Reveal at Modern Version of a Baby Shower

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 25th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a "gender reveal" party. I have never heard of such a thing. I mean, REALLY?

In my day, a married woman's first child was welcomed with a baby shower. Today, baby showers are given for three, four, five children of the same mother whether she's married or not. Am I out of the loop on this one? I anxiously await your reply. -- NOT READY FOR THIS

DEAR NOT READY: Parents don't know what the sex of their child will be until they get the results of the first or second ultrasound. Some of them choose to have the results presented to them in an envelope and given to a third person, to be shared with family and friends during a gender reveal party that is sometimes held in place of a baby shower. The results of the ultrasound are then announced either verbally or, in some cases, by serving attendees white or yellow cupcakes with cream centers that are either pink or blue.

Yes, it's an excuse to have a party, but why not celebrate? If the idea is a turn-off, no law says you must attend.

Etiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations

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