DEAR ABBY: I am in shock. My grown son, "Ryan," recently told me he was molested by his late father when he was a young boy. I had no idea, but I believe him. Ryan is an only child and has recently started seeing a counselor.

I loved my husband very much and I believed he loved me, but I no longer know what to think or how to feel. If he were still alive, I would most likely leave him. But what do I do with more than 40 years of mostly good memories? When I think about my late husband now, I just feel numb. Please help. -- NOT A CLUE IN INDIANA

DEAR NOT A CLUE: That your son didn't tell you sooner, while you could have intervened, is regrettable. And that he is now seeing a counselor about it is laudable -- you should give him all the love and support you can. I don't blame you for having mixed emotions, but at this point it is too late for you to change anything. Hang onto the good memories and let them comfort you, because you can't change history.

DEAR ABBY: I saw myself in the Jan. 15 letter from "Diana in San Diego," the lifelong compulsive nail biter who wants to stop. I was diagnosed with trichotillomania (hair pulling and skin picking) three years ago, and it is closely related to nail biting. The trichotillomania learning center website, www.trich.org, is worth checking out for treatment options such as medications, behavioral therapy and support groups. -- ERICA IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR ERICA: Thank you for the information. I received a deluge of helpful, caring responses to Diana's letter, and several readers mentioned trichotillomania in the more severe cases. Some had taken my advice to keep an emery board and cuticle scissors nearby a step further, by learning to do a full manicure and suggested she paint her nails a dark or bright color to help her stop biting.

Buffing was mentioned as a way to smooth imperfections that could be "triggers." A reader in Virginia added decorations to her nails -- decals, stencils and rhinestones -- that served as an impediment and cured her of the habit.

Other readers have used artificial (acrylic) nails as a way to allow their natural fingernails to grow out. James in Delaware helped his ashamed then-fiancee hide her bitten-off, stubby nails when showing off her engagement ring by suggesting she put on artificial ones. While she proudly showed off the ring to everyone, her own nails grew out beautifully and she never chewed them again.

Additional growing-out tips mentioned by readers were: coating the nails with a hardening solution, keeping the cuticles moist with petroleum jelly, cuticle cream -- even lip balm. A reader reassured Diana that there are indeed "bad-tasting" products that successfully work as a deterrent.

Keeping the hands busy has helped many readers. Breaking off a corner of one of her front teeth stopped Pat in Texas. Others found addressing a vitamin deficiency did the trick for them. Wearing a tight rubber band around the wrist to snap when the urge hits can give a nail-biter the incentive to stop. And from Sandi in San Francisco: "A teacher showed me an enlarged picture taken from a microscope of what was under fingernails. Now I don't even think about biting!"

DEAR ABBY: With summer here, many families will do at least some traveling, which involves spending significant amounts of time in the family car or truck. I'd like to remind your readers that it is now illegal in many states to leave a child, a disabled person or a pet unattended in a vehicle for ANY length of time. The reason is that temperatures inside a vehicle -- especially with the windows rolled up -- can rise to dangerous, even deadly, levels very quickly.

Tests by the National Weather Service have shown that when it's 80 degrees F outside, the interior of a vehicle with the windows rolled up, or just cracked open, can reach 123 degrees within 60 minutes! Such temperatures can induce heat exhaustion, or worse, heat stroke, within a very short time, and quickly kill a child, a pet or a disabled person.

Abby, I urge you in the strongest terms to help spread this vital warning and prevent needless tragedies of this kind. As the National Weather Service says, "Look Before You Lock," and "Beat the Heat -- Check the Back Seat!" -- TOM THE STORM SPOTTER

DEAR TOM: I'm pleased to help you bring this information to the attention of my readers. I was shocked when I read a report by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration stating that an average of 38 children have died in hot cars each year since 1998. More than 70 percent of those deaths were children younger than 2 years of age. How tragic! And readers, not parking in direct sunlight won't make the car significantly cooler. Heat stroke deaths have occurred even when the vehicle was parked in the shade.

DEAR ABBY: My family recently moved to a new state and was blessed to find a wonderful new church to attend near our home. There's only one drawback. We have a young toddler, so we sit in the cry room during Mass. At our previous church, the cry room was a place for us to practice church etiquette with our son so that we could someday sit with the rest of the congregation without disturbing the Mass.

The culture at this church is different; the cry room seems more like a playroom. Seeing all the other children running around makes keeping my toddler sitting in the pew nearly impossible (think major meltdowns). If we allow him to play with the other children, we spend the Mass feeling like we've failed as Christian parents. The result is that neither my husband nor I has felt fully present at a Mass in months. Do you have any suggestions for how to reconcile this issue? -- MISSING MASS

DEAR MISSING MASS: From where I sit, you're not only being overly hard on yourselves as parents, but also your small child. Please discuss this with the priest at your new church. Allowing your child to be a child isn't "bad Christian parenting." Few toddlers have a long enough attention span to sit through Mass. The cry room is designed to be like a playground so the children will learn to enjoy going there every Sunday and want to keep coming back until they're old enough for Sunday school. And that's a GOOD thing.

P.S. A way for you and your husband to focus on the Mass each Sunday would be to alternate taking your child to the cry room.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 58-year-old man who has been meeting women online for a few years. I recently met "Molly," whose profile said she was 60. We dated several times and then she spent a few days at my house. Certain things she said made me suspect she was older. So I looked her name up online and found out she was seven years older than she had advertised.

I consider lying on a dating profile to be similar to lying on a job application. When she asked me when she could come over again, I nicely said I couldn't consider a long-term relationship with someone her age.

So what's the penalty for putting false info on a dating profile? Grounds for dismissal, like with a job? -- WANTS SOMEONE MY OWN AGE

DEAR WANTS: Dating sites are a form of advertising, and as with "buying" any product, the rule is caveat emptor -- let the buyer beware. Many women -- and men -- fudge the truth on dating sites when stating their height, weight, age and income. (There's a saying in journalism: If your mother says she loves you, check it out.)

Not everyone ages at the same rate. Some people are "old" at 45. Others are healthy, vital and energetic at 70. Molly was able to pass for younger than her chronological age. If the number is that important to you, it's your right to move on. But being rigid about age could let a good person slip by. Everyone puts their best foot forward. Get used to it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm facing major surgery in Seattle, where my son and his wife live, 2,000 miles from my home. After the surgery, I must stay in town for 10 days until my post-op appointment. Then I'll be given the green light to travel home.

During that period, my son will be working overseas and his wife plans to join him. Because their condo will be empty, I asked if my husband and I could stay there during my recovery. My son informed us that while we are welcome to stay there when they're in town, we are not welcome when they aren't.

My son would never do this to us; I know it came from his wife. I also know that if the request were from HER mother, she'd be welcome in a heartbeat.

I have been nothing but generous and supportive of them. We aren't slobs and would care for the place as if it were our own. I just don't understand. How do I react? What can I say? My son's wife has isolated him from some of his friends, too. -- ACHING IN ALASKA

DEAR ACHING: Your disappointment is understandable, but the way to react is to tell your son that you are disappointed and you will make other arrangements for a place to recuperate. I don't think it would be helpful right now to point out that his wife has isolated him from his friends and appears to be doing the same with his mother and dad. He will figure that out for himself in time, if he doesn't already know.