DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Chris," is going through a divorce and lost his business. He is now lashing out at our mom and me when she spends time with me.

When I tried to express my sympathy, Chris attacked me via direct message, saying I have a "charmed life and don't care about anyone -- including him and our cash-strapped parents." It started when Dad gave me a car he wasn't using before we learned about my brother's misfortune. When I tried to return it, Dad refused.

Because I stopped responding to him on the internet, Chris is now complaining to Mom about my "selfishness." He says if the situation was reversed, he would have moved heaven and Earth to help me.

Abby, Chris has a job. He lives with our folks and pays token rent. My husband and I work, but I have had a salary cut, we have two kids to support and a mortgage to pay. We're in no position to provide the financial assistance my brother expects. My parents suspect that he's still giving money to his soon-to-be ex.

My husband says Chris is trying to manipulate me and that I need to go on with my life, but I'm worried that the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to heal the rift. I'm also worried about how this is affecting our parents. -- GRIEVING IN NICOSIA, CYPRUS

DEAR GRIEVING: You cannot heal a rift you didn't create, and you also can't "donate away" Chris' resentment. He's unhappy for a number of reasons and is taking it out on you not because you're a bad sister, but because you are within striking distance.

Your brother needs to work out his difficulties himself. A family meeting -- including your husband -- might clear the air so all of you are on the same page. Your brother needs to understand why the financial help he seems to expect is unrealistic and will not be forthcoming.

DEAR ABBY: Is there any way to counter a stranger's mean or hurtful remark (racist, age-related or sexist) in a mall or store? I feel I have to say something -- without being confrontational -- even if the remark isn't aimed at me. What do you suggest? -- COMPELLED TO ACT IN OTTAWA, CANADA

DEAR COMPELLED: Because you don't want a confrontation, I urge you to say nothing to the person who made the offensive remark. However, you could approach the person who was the target and quietly say: "That was uncalled for. I hope you realize the person who said that is ignorant, and don't let it get to you."

DEAR ABBY: I knew my husband for two years before we married four years ago. My problem is we are no longer intimate -- not even hugs or kisses. For the first two years we did have sex, but the only affection I get now is a kiss on my forehead or my hand.

When I asked if we could sleep together during the weekends, he refused. He says the reason is he has to finish his work. I have told him how much this hurts me and he keeps promising to change, but it never happens. When I recently asked him why, he said he is "shy." I am starting to doubt his love for me because when I need him, he's not there, and when I need his support, he doesn't protect me.

His mother is pushing us for a grandchild. She blames me for not "forcing" her son to sleep with me, which is impossible. I spend most of my time working out at the gym or doing volunteer work, which keeps me from getting too depressed. But when my mother-in-law starts in, I feel scared and don't dare go back to my house. Every few nights I have nightmares and wake up crying. I'm beginning to think I should end this marriage. Should I? -- ALONE IN SINGAPORE

DEAR ALONE: Whatever is going on with your husband, it doesn't appear that he has been completely candid with you. He appears to be using his workload as an excuse not to be intimate. I also seriously doubt that his problem is "shyness."

Your husband may have erectile difficulties or a diminished sex drive, which are medical problems that could be fixed if he was willing to address them. He may be involved with someone else, not be interested in women at all, or he could have simply fallen out of love with you.

Regardless of what your MIL says, a child is NOT your answer and would only complicate matters further. If your husband would consent to counseling with you, it might help. If not, by all means talk to a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance has just been told that he has cancer. He wants to move our wedding date up because of it, to make sure my boys and I will be taken care of if things don't go well. I am torn about whether we should. I want to marry him, but I think we should work on one thing at a time. Thoughts, Abby? -- MAYBE MARRYING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MAYBE MARRYING: Your fiance is looking out for you and your boys, and I respect that. The traditional marriage vows include "... for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." He may survive his cancer diagnosis -- many patients do.

While some in your situation would want to wait until things were more certain, there are no guarantees in life. Your fiance will need your strength, love and care in the months to come, and if knowing you are taken care of will ease his mind, I think you should do it.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Paul," and I have been together for five years. We want to get married, but his mother is Catholic and she doesn't approve because I am an Alaskan native, which from her perspective makes me a pagan.

Paul hasn't attended church or held any Catholic views for many years, but he won't tell his mother because he's afraid it would devastate her. She has told me we are living in sin, that our marriage could cause him to be excommunicated, and if we have children, they'll be bastards who will go to hell.

I am hurt and confused over this and don't know what to do or say about it. Every time I try to talk to her, she tries to persuade me to convert, which I don't want to do. I'd like to have a relationship with her, but I don't want to have to change who I am for her to approve of me or my future children. What advice can you give me to help me get through my situation? -- DOOMED TO HELL IN ALASKA

DEAR "DOOMED": Are you sure your boyfriend WANTS to be married? Your problem isn't his mother; it's that he can't find the backbone to tell her he plans to marry you with or without her approval.

Paul's mother's thinking is outdated. Non-Catholic Alaskan natives are not "pagan"; the majority are Christian. As for your future children being "bastards doomed to hell" -- she's repeating an ancient prejudice, and that's all it is. It is no longer the position of the Catholic Church to excommunicate people who marry out of the faith.

You asked my advice; here it is: The woman is a religious bigot. She's unlikely to ever approve of you or stop trying to convert you, and it has gone beyond the point of concern for your soul to just plain insulting. She isn't going to change, and as long as your boyfriend is afraid of "devastating" her, your situation won't change either. A marriage to him under these conditions won't be easy, so please think twice about it.

DEAR ABBY: Some good friends of mine were unable to have kids because of a medical issue. They recently adopted a preteen daughter, and the adoption became final a few months ago.

They are now having an "adoption party" where everyone can come and hang out and just have a good time. What is the etiquette for such a celebration? It's being held at a park where there is lots to do. Should I bring a card, a gift for the child, something for the parents or nothing? -- CONFUSED IN ARIZONA

DEAR CONFUSED: What a wonderful occasion to celebrate! It would be thoughtful, generous and welcoming if you brought along a gift for the girl, and I'm sure it would be appreciated not only by their daughter but also by the new parents.