DEAR ABBY: I'm a 51-year-old gay male. I have a sweet, dear friend I'll call "Samantha" who is slightly older. The problem is, she wants more than friendship. She insists on spending time with me and calls me daily. She hugs me repeatedly when she goes to leave, and kisses my neck or cheek -- whichever she can get to.

Samantha has touched me in a way that makes me uncomfortable. She places herself so her body touches my hand or arm. When she does, I quickly remove it. She says I remind her of her brother, but I'm not feeling a sibling relationship here. She invites herself over and gets mad if I tell her I have other plans.

I don't think I should have to discuss my orientation with anyone -- including her. It is my personal business. I have never done anything to make Samantha think I have an interest in her. I have spoken to her and made it clear that I'm not interested in a relationship with her. I have told her not to stop by without calling first. If she calls and I don't answer, she still shows up at my door saying she called. What can I do? -- END OF MY ROPE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR END OF YOUR ROPE: You have two choices. Because she is a "dear friend," the first would be to make an exception in Samantha's case and level with her about the fact that you're homosexual and have no interest in a close relationship with any female because you relate better to men. During this truth session you should also say that her demonstrations of affection and apparent need for emotional and physical closeness make you uncomfortable. (It's surprising she hasn't picked up on it by now because of your body language.)

The alternative is to end this friendship without giving her an explanation. Either way, expect Samantha to be hurt and disappointed, but if you explain that being gay is simply part of who you are and has no bearing on her, she may be less so.

DEAR ABBY: The year I graduated from high school I witnessed a horrific car accident that claimed the lives of five of my classmates. Since then, I have been involved in two accidents (I was in the passenger seat both times) and a number of close calls. This has caused me to develop extreme anxiety about driving -- both as the driver and as a passenger.

I work 50 miles from where I live. Every day is stressful because of the drive. Moving is not an option. Is there anything I can do to help my anxiety? -- TOO MANY CLOSE CALLS

DEAR TOO MANY: Treatment for your problem is available. Consult your physician and ask for a referral to a psychologist who specializes in patients who suffer from phobias.

DEAR ABBY: After reading some of your columns concerning abusive, controlling relationships, I realize that I am in one, but not in the way you assume. I am the abuser.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Most of the time it's great -- we have similar interests, and we're both not afraid to speak our minds, which makes our playful debates fun. Our downfall, which has caused two breakups, is my temper.

I have an explosive, flash temper. When he does something I dislike, such as hang out with a female friend, stay out late drinking, talk about things I find annoying or insensitive, I go on a rampage. I say heartless things, threaten to leave him and do everything in my power to make him feel guilty.

As soon as I get a few minutes to gather my thoughts and cool down, I realize how out of control I have become, and I profusely attempt to apologize and make up for it. But the damage is already done. I have concluded that I am a major part of the problem, and I am desperately trying to change my ways: I think before I speak, assess before I assume, and try to ask polite questions rather than blindly accuse.

I love him, I truly do. Recently he has told me he wants to help me work on my temper and emotional issues in the hope of strengthening our relationship and becoming more serious. But is staying with him really the right thing to do if I only seem to cause him so much grief? -- SORRY IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SORRY: Recognizing that you have a problem was an important first step. Staying with your boyfriend is the right thing to do IF you are willing to get professional help so you can understand why you lose your temper, and gain the tools to control it.

Regardless of whether this relationship leads to marriage, it is crucial that you learn to control your behavior because, if you have children in the future, the inability to do so could be devastating to them. You can't unring the bell.

DEAR ABBY: I want to ask my parents -- my mom, dad, stepmom and stepdad -- if they have planned for their deaths. I know this may seem weird, but after my grandfather died, all of them kept saying how relieved they were that he was able to make all of his own arrangements.

I know funerals are expensive, and since I am an only child and have so many parents, this worries me. How can I bring this up? Can you help? -- LOOKING AHEAD

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: A way to raise the subject would be to refer to your grandfather's death and the comments your parents made afterward. Then ask what arrangements they have made regarding advance directives for health care, funerals, cremation, etc.

It's always wise to plan ahead and put one's wishes in writing, and if you are an adult, you should also do this. If you have already put your wishes in writing, you could start the conversation by informing them -- and then ask what their plans are.

DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I would like to add my prayer of thanks to those men and women who sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 65-year-old widow and recently started dating a 66-year-old man. I really like him and enjoy his company. However, one thing about him drives me up a wall. He has long fingernails on both hands. He is neat and tidy and otherwise well groomed. I am quite sure he is not a coke user (which some have suggested could be the reason).

He has told me his hobby is guitar playing, but for that I'd think he would only need a few long nails. I feel I don't know him well enough to ask why he keeps them so long or tell him how much this creeps me out. How would you suggest I bring this up to him? -- DIANNE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DIANNE: The gentleman's hobby may be guitar playing, but in order for him to form the chords he strums, his nails on one hand would have to be short. I can't think of a nice way to tell someone his nails "creep you out." However, I don't think it would be out of line to ask why he wears his nails as long as he does, and let him explain it to you.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since my bratty stepsister came into the picture, I feel like I get less attention than her. Just because her parents are not together doesn't mean she's so much more special than me that it's OK for her to be mean to me without getting in trouble.

When I yell at her and tell her to stop, she hisses at me like a cat and throws a fit and says she wants to go home. I'm not a psychologist, but I don't think this is normal. What do you think I should do? -- STEPSISTER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR STEPSISTER: For a moment, put yourself in her shoes. Her parents' marriage broke apart, and one of them left and has made a new life with a new family. It's possible that she's afraid you have "replaced her" in that parent's affections. That's a pretty painful thought, and she may blame you even though it is not your fault.

Talk privately to your parents about this. Ask them if they can reassure her so she won't take her hurt feelings out on you. And one more thing: Stop yelling! Yelling only escalates the situation; it doesn't solve anything.

DEAR ABBY: Millions of dollars (and tons of food) are wasted when restaurants serve poor quality food or it hasn't been properly prepared. What is the protocol if you are unhappy with your order? Should you leave it sitting and hope they will ask for a comment? Say nothing and take it home as expensive dog food? Speak up and hope for improvement for the next person? Pay, but don't return again? Now you've wasted your money, they've thrown away the uneaten food, and you're still hungry. Is there a solution for this problem? -- JOYCE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR JOYCE: If you are unhappy with how the food you ordered tastes, call the server over, explain what you think is wrong with it and send it back. A smart restaurant manager will replace it. If it's not the policy at that restaurant, do not return.