DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old daughter, a junior in high school, is still living at home. She has befriended a 51-year-old man at her first job (a burger place). We have told her that although she is kind to be friendly with him at work, we feel it's inappropriate to do things with him outside of work. She's now upset with us and claims we "don't understand," "nothing romantic is going on" and she thinks of him like a "second father."

Although they have not gotten together yet outside of work, she announced last weekend that she was going to meet him for lunch. We put our foot down and told her no way, and she was forbidden to borrow either of our vehicles to go. (She doesn't have her own car yet.) She relented, but how can we convince her that this is a bad idea with the world the way it is nowadays?

I have suggested to her father (with whom my daughter has a close relationship) that he speak to this man one on one. My husband feels this is something she has to learn for herself. She's very naive. What do you think? -- MOM OF A TEEN

DEAR MOM: Frankly, I think your husband is right. While you may wish to protect your daughter, she's an adult now. People learn more life lessons from experience than they do from lectures.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and having some big bully blues. There is one girl in my class who steals friends. She's been taking mine. Any advice? -- BULLIED IN GEORGIA

DEAR BULLIED: Yes, I do. This may not be bullying in the physical sense, but losing a friend can be painful.

It is important that you realize that people aren't inanimate objects that can be "owned" or "stolen." Much as we might wish it, relationships do not always stay the same. Friendships can be stronger at times and weaker at others, and people sometimes drift from one close friendship to another.

When this happens, regard it as an opportunity, because that's what it is. It's a chance for you to get involved in activities that will expose you to new people and offer you a way to make NEW friends.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine and his wife invited me out to dinner and I graciously thanked them. They are both employed. I live strictly on Social Security and pay 30 percent of my income for rent, barely making ends meet.

I wanted to reciprocate, so I invited them over for a home-cooked meal. My friend came, but his wife is shy and didn't come. (I had a couple of other friends over.)

If someone wants to reciprocate being taken out for dinner, isn't it acceptable to invite them over for a home-cooked meal or must they be taken out? -- TENTATIVE HOST IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR TENTATIVE: No rule of etiquette dictates that you must take your guests out to dinner. Inviting them for a home-cooked meal was both gracious and appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: Americans are at their best when they unite around a noble purpose. On Memorial Day, that purpose is the National Moment of Remembrance. On that day, all Americans are asked to pause wherever they are at 3 p.m. local time to honor our fallen.

In 1971, No Greater Love, a patriotic organization, was founded by a woman named Carmella LaSpada. It initiated the National Moment of Remembrance in 1997, which was later established by Congress in 2000. The Moment is observed by thousands of Americans at Major League Baseball games across the country.

For more than 40 years, the AFL-CIO, North American trade unions, ironworkers, sheet metal, air, rail and transportation workers along with No Greater Love have honored our fallen, our troops, our veterans and their families. Our union members are proud to support the National Moment of Remembrance.

As one nation under God, we should join together to honor those who died for our freedom -- each one an American treasure. -- ERIC DEAN, GENERAL PRESIDENT, INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF BRIDGE, STRUCTURAL, ORNAMENTAL AND REINFORCING IRON WORKERS

DEAR MR. DEAN: I am aware of the loyal and generous support the unions have given to No Greater Love and the families who have lost beloved family members in wars and military conflicts. For that I thank you.

Readers, it is my sincere hope that you will take a moment from your busy day to join us at 3 p.m. in honoring our fallen military men and women on Memorial Day, Monday, May 30. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My mother died in her sleep last year at our home. She was 97. We cleaned the carpets and repainted the room, removed the hospital bed and replaced it with a brand-new one.

We recently asked some friends to stay overnight at our house, and they called back to ask if they would be staying in the room Mama had died in. We have a second guest room, although it's smaller and so is the bed (full, not a queen). They seemed hesitant.

After the call I found myself feeling offended. I keep thinking that if the shoe was on the other foot, would they shut down a room of their home if someone had died there? We have had other houseguests who didn't mind staying in the room.

These people are supposed to arrive soon. Should we arrange for them to stay at a hotel? -- FEELING OFFENDED

DEAR FEELING: Please don't take their reaction as a personal insult. Many people are squeamish about staying in a room in which someone has died. I see no reason to banish these people to a hotel during their visit. Call them back, offer them the smaller guest room and enjoy their visit.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 77-year-old man. I am not currently involved with a woman, but I have had two marriages and numerous serious affairs. I'd like to know how it became the man's responsibility to put the toilet seat down. Women seem to believe it is written in law, a rule by Emily Post or one of the Ten Commandments. -- FLUSHED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FLUSHED: It's all of the above. And I think I know why you have had two marriages, numerous serious affairs and are not currently involved.

DEAR ABBY: We visit my in-laws two or three times a year. During our most recent visit, my kids (ages 12 and 14) were roughhousing with their cousins and accidentally slammed a door, which resulted in a broken frame. Their grandpa had asked them to stop, which they apparently didn't do.

Now, three months later, my in-laws are visiting us, and my mother-in-law is having the kids pay for the frame. When I spoke up and let her know I thought this was inappropriate, she became very upset and said, "Kids these days don't have any consequences," and this is what she and the kids had agreed should happen. I emphasized in front of the kids how important it is to listen, to be accountable for your actions and to see what they could've done to make it up to her.

I'm just not comfortable with her still holding onto this and expecting them to pay for the frame. It seems to me that a conversation about respect and listening is plenty appropriate but, after that, shouldn't my mother-in-law have gracefully let it go? These kids, by the way, get excellent school reports, play instruments and sports, and are considered by most people to be great kids.

Was I wrong to express my opinion that having the kids pay her is inappropriate? If it wasn't, then maybe we shouldn't visit at her home, since it's filled with breakable valuables. I am very frustrated by my controlling mother-in-law. -- UPSET IN MORRO BAY

DEAR UPSET: Your "great kids" ignored their grandfather when he asked them to quit roughhousing, and the result was significant property damage. If they had agreed with their grandmother that there would be restitution -- I assume the same was true of their cousins -- you were wrong to interfere. That you would do this in the presence of your kids was a mistake.

I agree with your mother-in-law that one of the problems in our society today is the lack of accountability or consequences when people do something wrong. I applaud her for sticking to her guns, and you owe her an apology.

DEAR ABBY: I am going to my girlfriend's mother's 60th birthday party. I just found out that her younger sister is pregnant -- unbeknownst to her parents -- and she plans to surprise them the next day on their mom's actual birthdate. The little sister has asked that we not drink at the dinner because she doesn't want to feel left out. This caused an argument between me and my girlfriend because I think her request is silly and kind of selfish.

Is there a rule of etiquette about this? Isn't it weird that someone would ask that you not drink a couple of beers or a glass of wine at a birthday dinner? If I'm on a diet, I don't ask people to eat only salad or to order less around me. I think she should make a "headache/not feeling well" excuse rather than try to limit/control the fun of others. -- SOCIAL DRINKER

DEAR SOCIAL DRINKER: No rule of etiquette covers this. I agree that you shouldn't have to abstain at the celebration if you prefer to indulge. However, the decision should be voluntary and not imposed upon you. Your girlfriend may prefer not to have alcohol that night to support her sister, but that doesn't mean you must.