DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years died unexpectedly. Like so many other Americans, he didn't have life insurance or any money to cover his funeral. For the last 2 1/2 years I provided the primary financial support when he came and lived with me.

His mother made the decisions about the casket and service. She asked that money instead of flowers be given to help pay for the cost of the funeral. Around $4,000 is still owed. She now says the remaining cost should be divided between her, her ex­husband and me.

I don't think I should be obligated to assume a third of the funeral costs. If I had been married to him, the situation would be different. I have friends and family who agree with me and others who don't. If I tell his mother it isn't my responsibility to pay, she and other family members may never speak to me again. What is your response to this scenario? -- WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?

DEAR WHO: This may seem negative, but of this I am positive: Even if you do pay a third of the funeral expenses, those people may turn away from you anyway. So do as your conscience dictates and nobody else.

DEAR ABBY: It has been more than 30 years since I knew the whereabouts of my brother, my only sibling. Over the years, I have searched for him off and on, especially when there were major life events. Both of our parents have died, with my mother cursing him at the end. My family believed he was probably dead since no one had heard from him, even to ask for money.

Yesterday, I Googled his name, and to my surprise his mug shot popped up. It appears he has been incarcerated for most of the 30 years and has a rap sheet a mile long. Nothing violent, just stealing. I am saddened to have seen his photo this way and wonder why he never reached out to me. He has been alone, a criminal, for most of his life with no one to love or care about him.

My husband says don't contact him, and I probably shouldn't. I'd just like him to know that I have missed him and I am sad his life turned out this way. Am I a fool to want to know this hardened criminal? I am justifiably afraid that he could be big trouble. Please advise. -- SAD SISTER IN TEXAS

DEAR SAD SISTER: Your brother may have refrained from contacting the family because he was ashamed of the mess he had made of his life. So let's follow your question to its logical conclusion.

You contact your incarcerated, career-criminal brother and tell him how sad you are that his life turned out this way. Then what? What will you do if he wants to correspond with you? If he wants money? If he needs a place to stay if he's ever released?

Unless you are prepared to assume responsibility for someone you have had no contact with in decades, listen to your husband. You already have the information you were searching for, so don't go looking for trouble -- because your brother IS trouble.

DEAR READERS: It's National Women's Health Week, so here's a gentle reminder to make your health a priority. Eat healthy, allow time for exercise, manage your stress levels, and schedule that appointment you've been putting off to see your doctor or dentist. Your most precious possession is your health, so please take care of it. For more information, visit womenshealth.gov. -- Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I am sometimes invited to friends' birthday parties and, while I enjoy the celebration, I have one hang-up. When it's time to blow out the candles, sometimes my friends will blow real hard or even need more than one breath. (We're not exactly spring chickens.) To me, this is the equivalent of spitting all over the cake, and I can't bring myself to eat any after this display.

What is a "nice" way of saying, "I don't want any cake," without falling back on the old, "I'm trying to lose weight," especially since other snacks and drinks are also being served? I don't want to be a ... PARTY POOPER

DEAR PARTY POOPER: Your distaste is shared by many people. An effective way to handle the problem would be to mention your "quirk" to your friends long before their birthdays roll around. You could also set an example when your birthday arrives by serving cupcakes instead of a large one to your guests. Many people avoid the problem in this way -- and the portions are perfect.

DEAR ABBY: My handsome, intelligent, physically fit husband looks much younger than his age. But he is vain and won't get hearing aids. Because he can't hear, he stands looking at people with a faraway expression on his face that makes him appear like he has dementia. It takes him a while to process the spoken word, and then sometimes he gets it wrong. He has gotten angry with me because he couldn't understand something I was saying.

Any tips for me and others on how to deal with this? I'm ready to quit trying to have a conversation with him. He could easily afford to buy hearing aids. -- END OF MY ROPE IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR END: What's going on is not only not good for your relationship with your husband, but also extremely isolating for him. I do have a suggestion for you: Discuss your concerns with your family physician. Perhaps if the doctor suggests he have his hearing checked by an audiologist, your husband will be less likely to tune the message out. Advances in hearing aids are being made all the time, and some of them fit into the ear canal and are hard to detect.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to give a wedding gift to a friend's son who is being married soon. We were not invited to the wedding. Is this OK? -- NOT INVITED IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR NOT INVITED: Not only would it be OK to give the happy couple a gift as a token of your good wishes, but it is generous of you to want to under the circumstances.

DEAR READERS: Today I am wishing a very happy Mother's Day to moms everywhere -- birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers and grandmothers who are raising grandchildren. My heartfelt applause to you all for what you do every day. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I need help developing a response to a very rude question. My daughter recently turned 13. It seems that every time we go to a gathering and the moms get together talking, someone will ask me if my daughter has gotten her period yet.

It isn't even a question from people I'm close with or who really know my daughter. She would be mortified if she knew that people fixated on it. What is a good way to reply that it is none of their business without seeming rude? -- OFFENDED IN N.Y.C.

DEAR OFFENDED: My goodness, what a question. And from someone who is only an acquaintance. If the person is someone I don't know well, I would reply, "That's a personal, private matter between my daughter and me." Or, if I was feeling mischievous, I might smile and say, "She hasn't had one for the last four months and it's beginning to worry me." (Just kidding.)

DEAR ABBY: I am curious about your opinion on setting people up on dates. I am considering introducing one of my best friends, "Sierra," to my uncle "Wade." Do you think it's a good idea to set a friend up with a family member? I'm worried if it doesn't work out that my friendship with her won't be the same. Your advice is greatly appreciated. -- CUPID IN PEORIA

DEAR CUPID: I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about this. If you think Sierra and Wade have enough in common that they would enjoy meeting each other, go ahead and introduce them. If it works out -- fine. If it doesn't, it shouldn't have a negative impact on your relationship with her. Personal chemistry is hard to predict, and if they are both mature individuals, neither should blame you if there isn't a "spark" between them.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old piano student. My piano teacher is a wonderful person and I enjoy taking lessons from her, but there is one problem: She is always late.

Usually it's 15 to 20 minutes, but other times I might be kept waiting for an hour or more. She also switches my lesson because of her busy schedule, which means I have to forgo many activities at the last minute. I have never missed anything important, but still, I am annoyed when I have to miss something I was looking forward to for a piano lesson.

I'm not sure what to do. How should I tell her to start coming on time? I really don't want to find another teacher, but this is very annoying. -- FRUSTRATED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I don't blame you for being annoyed. Before your next lesson, talk with the woman and tell her how you feel about her inability to stay on schedule. She isn't your "friend"; she is paid for these sessions. An occasional 15-minute wait is understandable; making someone wait an hour or more is inconsiderate and disrespectful. If she can't do better than this, you might be happier if you found another teacher, and she might be happier because she'll be less overscheduled.